It's Friday, and we have back to back snow days. Yesterday Big Man couldn't leave, so I wound up taking the day off (unfortunately I am out of vacation time, so it was without pay) and I am going in late today. I did enjoy my time with the little man, but I think he was bored with me. At one point, he went into his room and just wanted to be left alone. Then again, he is 7 now and is growing up very quickly.
To celebrate the cold, I made pasta fagioli in the crockpot and it came out good. Big Man even said so, although with the caveat that it wasn't the pasta fagioli he's used to...whatever.
Over the years, comments like that have tended to send me into a downward spiral because I felt I wasn't good enough. Basically, the whole self esteem side was not fully formed where I feel ok if there was any criticism. Its not that I can't take it, especially when its to help improve me, but the original comment would set me into a funk for a while, and then I would have to process it. A lot of has to do with the fact that in a lot of circumstances, it has not been constructive criticism but just verbal garbage spewn. For a lot of people, what I've done has never been good enough-or there is the backhanded compliment. It goes back to junior high really-the whole mean girls thing. I would never be part of the in crowd because I wasn't Mormon, and it was the beginning of feeling inadequate.
Its taken over 20 years to rebuild that damaged ego. There are little setbacks, but for the most part I'm pretty ok. I don't want my son to have the same issues where he's afraid of trying something because he doesn't want to fail. (and peer criticism can seem like failure)
I feel comfortable in stating that first and foremost I am a wife and mother, a homemaker and then everything else falls into line. My snow day yesterday reminded me of that, because if our family life isn't good or happy, what's the point? I do try my best to provide a happy environment for my boys, but there are days where I feel like its a struggle-that its never enough. I think to myself that the house isn't clean enough, etc. etc. I guess in everything that I do, I am waiting for that smack down.
Obviously I am quite accomplished. I have a job, I'm class mom and now PTO secretary. I'm the curriculum coordinator for the youth ministry program at church. I also have started a new ministry to deliver the altar flowers to parishioners who are in the hospital. I am active in several church groups (Outreach, Altar Guild, St. Monnica) where I am a vital part of the organization. I also belong to a book group that I enjoy very much.I'm very active with the March of Dimes. I don't know what set off this trend the last few months, but there was a lot of disorganization and negativity that set in about 2 months ago, and shaking that black cloud is very difficult.
My sister in law sent me this mom's organizer pad that I filled in for next week and made out a shopping list for going grocery shopping. I shined my kitchen sink, and tidied up the kitchen.
Baby steps of progress...
Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity. Margaret D. Nadauld
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