I am overweight, no let's put it out there: I'm fat. All the gains I made post op last year I lost, and more. I'm not eating as healthy as I'd like and I'm certainly not working out how I'd like to as well.
Following November's surgery, I feel particularly ugly with 16 holes across my belly.
A lot of my mental energy is consumed with the fact that I will never be anything but curvy. I'm not flat chested. I have hips. And as Freddie Mercury so memorably put it, fat bottom girls make the rocking world go round.
Nike even has a campaign devoted to this:
http://m.pinterest.com/pin/47358233551257101/
I have been so focused on what I wasn't that I've lost sight of what I am. It's crazy making. I know I'm flawed (hint: we all are) but I have an inner beauty and strength beyond compare. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to deal with some of the stuff life has thrown at me.
Losing weight and getting healthy, for me anyway, isn't about things-getting a promotion or turning heads walking down the street or whatever. It's about that rush you get when you can do more and go farther. It's the ability to ride a bike with my son without having to stop and gasp for air. I want to run up and down stairs without getting winded. I want to carry in all my groceries without help. I want my back pain to go away. I don't want to be dealing with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes because I chose not to take care of myself. My son is starting to head into those tween and teen years and I don't want my body to be a source of embarrassment for him.
I want to be healthy.
My biggest stumbling block is that I'm an "emotional eater". I stuff my face to deal with my feelings. Surprisingly enough, all the great things that have been happening in my life (teaching cooking classes, woman of the year, my book being published, this little blog taking off) has triggered a lot of other emotional stuff. Part of me doesnt feel I deserve it because im not this thin, beautiful woman.
There is a really awesome website dedicated to embracing yourself called Curvy Yoga (http://www.curvyyoga.com/). Like Anna, I am not your typical yogi, and it's hard when you can't always get into poses in class. The main goal is self acceptance. I've realized that my curves should be a sense of pride not disgust. So I won't be some bean pole thing on a magazine (thank you Sir Mix a Lot) but I have been a magazine cover, despite that.
I deserve to be healthy, not just for myself but for my son. It's the last week of the year, and it's been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. One of my intentions for 2012 is to come to peace with myself.
Stuffing my body full of food isn't being healthy. It's not living my life to it's best. It's not setting a good example. I also am setting the intention that I am doing this for me; not to look prettier or to get attention or whatever. It's for me to be my best. If all those other things happen, well then it's a bonus.
I set out an intention several years ago of following my bliss and have gotten sidetracked time and again. Part of cultivating a good life and raising a happy child is if you are happy too. Raise a glass, for 2012 and it's intention for ms to follow my bliss.
Brave of you to share such vulnerable thoughts, Dee. I teared up reading lines like this one: "Part of me doesn't feel I deserve it because I'm not this thin, beautiful woman." My battle isn't weight gain so much, but I numb out in other ways that have a negative impact on my life (such as the credit card debt I am now trying to pay off). And when I read that line, I saw it this way: "Part of me doesn't feel I deserve it because I'm not ________." Fill in the blank with everything I feel that I'm not...with all the ways I tell myself that I'm not good enough. I felt that we shared the same experience deep down.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a difficult thing to un-learn. Learning to accept ourselves is the way, it seems, to let go of these compulsions that make us feel better in the moment but undo us in the long run. It's so difficult to do, though... Best wishes on your journey!