Tea & Sympathy from the deep archives...

I have to admit that I have a martyr complex and that is not a good thing. I think its genetic, because most of the women in my family of origin have this issue. My case seems to be more minor than others, but its a nagging character trait. I guess its the attempt to provoke sympathy & attention and I do it unconsciously. It dawned on me as I was doing laundry last night...I found myself silently fuming that I have to do laundry AGAIN (oh the horror of it all, going downstairs in my house to do laundry-not like I have to go to a Laundromat or anything). Just like I fume about having to tidy up, etc. etc. Oh my life is so hard…
Having this mindset is actually scaring me. I don’t like it, it makes me very uncomfortable because I know this is not really me. I am not a martyr, but this latent trait started to rear its ugly head years ago and came out full force once I became a mother. I need to stop it in its tracks, but I am not sure where to start. I know I have to catch myself when I start with the negative self talk.
There are a few fronts that I find myself doing this on. One is my health-the whole eating/exercise/appearance thing. I find myself trying to show off how “healthy” I’m eating, only to binge on junk food later in the day. What frustrates me is I don’t even want the junk food, but I go ahead and eat it anyway. Its like I think I deserve to eat whatever I want and not do the other things that make me healthier and happier. On the flip side, there also is the issue of feeling I don’t deserve to be healthy because once in 1975 I did something wrong. Deep inside, I feel like God is keeping a set of tally points for all that I did wrong in my life and that because the bad outweighs the good, I don’t deserve anything good in my world. Don’t you feel sorry for me yet? Its called a martyr complex, and boy do I seem to have one!
The bottom line is if I am fat and don’t work out like I should, there is a persona I inhabit, and I can get attention this way. I know that I have this nagging thought running as an undercurrent-look at what I am doing pay attention to me!!!-and its driving me mad.
I feel awesome when I work out, and its this endorphin high that carries throughout the day. The runners high truly exists, and I love it. However, I don’t do it. I don’t do it because then it would violate the whole feel sorry for me because I am fat persona. I bring healthy food to eat (salad, veggies, fruit) and then I don’t eat it, rather choosing junk food. I have on my outlook calendar at work to walk twice a day-I can walk around the skywalk and never freeze. However, the only walking I do is to the cafeteria and getting junk food…there is a deep seated issue with this that I need to do more digging on.
What has been breaking my heart about my eating and working out is the Little Man is learning about healthy living in school. He is starting to notice that some of my habits are not in line with healthy living-like the amount of junk that I consume. He also is aware of how little I exercise. He has told me about this as well. He asks me why I do some of the things I do, especially when I am telling him to do as I say and not as I do. He knows the difference between good choices and bad ones, and he's only 7-why can't I make the proper decisions?
Then we get to the appearance thing…its like I go for the whole sympathy thing about how I look, as if I don’t deserve to look good. Everyone has a mental image of how they look, and in my mental image I am much thinner than I am now, and I look like someone that stepped out of Talbot’s or Ann Taylor, maybe the Gap. I favor blacks, grays, whites and khakis. I am rather traditional looking, almost preppy. However, I do not dress like this, mainly because I can’t find this look on the bargain racks…I prefer wedge heels, and my hair with blondish highlights. I like a French manicure, and my hair in a bob. I wear minimal make up-just enough to enhance me, not hide me.
I actually have this mental image of me in charcoal gray slacks, with a white oxford shirt, black sweater vest, chunky black heels, with my hair in a pony and a black headband, carry a black patent leather purse and satchel. I look awesome, but then I look in the mirror and don’t see that reflection and then it’s the whole why should I bother mentality. I don't really dress the way that I want because its almost like a punishment for myself-and perpetuating the martyr cycle. If I looked the way that I really wanted to, then I wouldn't have anything to complain about right?
The other big issue I have is over housework. I have this pity party going on in my head about house work. My little whiny voice keeps saying I work all day then I come home and have to do x,y,z. No one helps me ever! (which is totally not true, but I keep telling myself that) So the clutter builds up, the general housework doesn’t get done because I am so tired…no one helps they just make messes…why should I bother its only going to get messy again…these are the thoughts that go through my head over and over, which I know is not healthy. I even have planned out what I need to do everyday to keep up with the house-daily cleaning, laundry, etc. But I never do that-actually I come up mentally with things to do rather than the daily cleaning that keeps my house looking good. Then things get to a point where I look around and go to myself, how did this mess happen? Where do I start? Then I get frustrated and don’t do anything, mumbling to myself all the while.
It’s a miserable way to do things, and its certainly not the best for my family, but I can’t seem to break myself out of this rut. I am trying very hard, but it seems for every step forward, I take three or four steps back.
Once again, my mental image does not reflect reality, because the house would look magazine ready all the time. I grew up in a home like that and it was miserable, but I guess old habits die hard. I mean we had plastic carpet runners and heaven forbid you went off them. And no one ever went into the the living or dining room unless it was a special occassion. It was the whole illusion of perfection, the house is perfect so therefore everything else is.
I don't want my home to be covered in plastic that crinkles and sticks to you. However, I do have to find a happy medium that will work for both me & my family. I have to stop with the whole martyr complex because its not good for me, its not good for my family and its diminishing the quality of my life. On one level, I am looking for attention, and for someone to notice me-I want to be applauded for my good choices and be told good job. I want the feedback, I want to be given that elusive gold star. Ate healthy foods instead of junk? Here's a pat on the back. Cleaned the bathroom without complaining? Here's a reward. I know I can do that to myself, but I don't. That would negate the whole martyr complex-I would lose that part of my identity.

This was originally written in 2008. I wish I could say that I've grown & changed as a woman, wife & mother, but...