Alive

The more things change, the more they stay the same.







Its Holy Saturday, and I am on the tired side. In all, I didn't get half of what I wanted to get done yesterday but I had a great time with my family. That's what counts the most.
I am trying to get my art studio organized. I have a shelving unit, and I am using labelled plastic boxes for my supplies. I ran out of boxes before I ran out of labels. It's a little frustrating because I am halfway through a project, and I have to stop and put everything somewhere else until I have the extra storage I need. Today, Michael's has a huge sale going on and I need to get more picture frames, photo storage, scrapbook storage, etc. and its all on sale with a 30% off your total purchase coupon. I think that I can finally feel comfortable creating in my space because I will know where everything is, and its not a dumping ground.
This afternoon, we have an Easter egg hunt at the Outdoor Campus, which should be a lot of fun. Little Man is definately looking forward to it. I am too-its so much fun watching the mass chaos that erupts from kids looking for eggs and candy. There's another one at church, and of course our one at home.
I do need a few more things for stuff at our house tomorrow-some more candy for the eggs, a larger basket...things that I can pick up either to or from Michaels's at Walgreens or whereever.
In order to stress less tomorrow, I am going to start putting together stuff today (wow, what a novel concept!)I am going to make the lasagna, so when we ge home from church tomorrow all I have to do is put it in the oven. Assemble the asparagus side dish, so that just has to go in the oven as well. Make the cupcakes, so that I just have to decorate them later...make the pizzelles...make the salad and dressing...tidy up the house. Its all good.
In between it all, I plan on taking in some quality spa time. I am in desperate need of a mani & pedi, facial & massage...so I think that today and tomorrow I will fit them in in stages. I have a foot bath and a facial thing so all I need to do is just add water. My little manicure set will take care of all else for the mani & pedi, I have a massage cushion that me + recliner + massager=bliss. There is a strange concept that crosses my mind a lot-that I don't have the time. Its pretty sad to think like that. Its not that I don't have the time, its that I don't manage my time well. I have 24 hours in a day, its what I make of it. Do I choose to vegetate or do I choose to be active? Do I choose bliss or do I choose to treat myself poorly? Do I do things that make me happy or am I going to stomp around being miserable?
I also have to remind myself that I deserve to be happy. There's a bit of me who feels that I don't deserve happiness, and that I should never obtain it, and that I need to be a martyr. That is a totally learned behavior, and I am really tired of that persona. I am tired of feeling like I am not deserving of goodness and light in my life, and remembering that God has totally blessed me. All of the negativity that surrounds me tries to put my light under a bushel, but I am going to let it shine! Jesus died for my sins, and as a result He wants us to be happy-not miserable. He took away that misery.
I am still looking for a purse, but I think I can avoid that purchase right now because its a month away from when I can use my white one. In the meantime, I will just figure out a way to make it all work. I can be very cheap sometimes! Especially when it comes to myself. I willingly buy things for the rest of the family, but when it comes to me-different story. I have a hard time spending money on myself. Its like I don't deserve quality or anything. I only deserve to shop off the clearance rack, that for whatever reason I don't deserve to take care of myself. Its a vicious cycle-I downgrade myself to the point where I am so low that I stop taking care of me, and then the rest of my family pays. There's a heavy dose of guilt in there. Then there's that I'll show you (not quite sure who the you is that I am trying to show) attitude and it makes for a toxic brew.
There are a few basic things that I need to keep in mind in order to preserve the peace and tranquility (and sanity) in my home. Happiness is a right (the founding fathers made sure of it) not something to be earned from some distant happiness bearer. I am responsible for my own bliss. I need to do things everyday that make me happy. I love to feel pretty, I like to dress nice, I love to work out. I love to eat healthy, I love to do my arts & crafts. Above all I love to do things with my son, and watching him grow in love and learn about his world.
I love having things organized and living in a tidy home. That is a constant source of irritation for me. The Little Man is learning by example, and for him its we freak out and clean, and then don't do a lot to maintain it. Its mommy going around the house sighing and complaining and muttering under her breath. Its this whole negative attitude, that I have to do it all whine whine whine. Its not that I have to do it all, the big man does do a lot, but there are things that he does that aren't things that I would do necessarily do therefore they irritate me. I get things in my head that they need to be done like x, and if the rest of the family isn't going to buy into, why should I bother? I get very frustrated because not everyone else feels the same about spending 5 minutes tidying up say the living room, or putting all their laundry in the hamper or whatever. Its almost like I am not being heard (or deliberately ignored). I plan menus, but then they don't get implemented because someone doesn't like it or plans change or I forgot an element at the grocery store or something. I plan out other things, but those go out the window too. I spend time organizing and cleaning and then a few weeks (or days or even hours) later its back to where it was or worse. I remember years ago, I organized a garage for someone. It was an all day project and I was quite proud when it was done. I visited a few weeks later and it looked worse than it had before I went in there. You never would have known things were done in there. I am also so afraid that the hoarding gene will kick in and I will be drowning in junk. There's also the realization that most of my negative thinking goes back to my childhood and what I observed.
I love my grandmother, but she had a lot of quirky traits. She was a hoarder, but an organized one. You never saw her stuff lying around. She also was a compulsive cleaner and that is how she chose to spend her days. She didn't have any friends really, outside of her sisters and she would complain about them too. She held grudges for decades and stopped talking to people because of a perceived slight. Like she gave someone money as a baby shower gift, and when the recipient told her it went to buy a potty chair, my grandmother never spoke to that person again because she was insulted by what the gift went for. She also was very good at giving you something (like a knick knack) and then expecting it to be on display or even worse, asking for it back. So, I wound up with a lot of junk that I didn't need because she gave it to me. Frustration on a grand scale. She also didn't really get beyond herself-that is, it was her way or the highway. There was a lot of control and emotional manipulation going on there.
I do not want to do that in my own life. For one thing, life's too short to hold grudges. The amount of energy that gets expended to do that is intense and just not worth it. I can use that energy for good and make the world a better place. When I get rid of junk, its gone. I don't want it back. I give a gift, and that's exactly what it is-a gift.
I've realized that this toxic brew is part of the contributing factor to me being anxious over certain things in my life. I really get worked up over giving gifts, because I am used to the backhanded compliment. I am used to being told that what I gave was not what the recipient wanted (usually in front of everyone) and that I should have known what they wanted. I am also used to having things that I do be criticized-from my cooking to what I wear to whatever. Its not a healthy way to live, and I am really tired of being like this. Its not healthy for my little guy for his mommy to be like this, and I don't like being this way either. I need to remind myself that if you don't like me for who I am, then don't hang around me. I am so tired to trying to prove my worth to people who don't want to know, that I expending a lot of precious energy that could be used elsewhere. I am so over it, and I am sick of being like an overly obedient puppy dog trying to get someone to like me who never will (call it mean girls syndrome).