Control

Isaiah 41:13
New International Version (NIV)

13 For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

To live is to grow, and in order to grow-you need to change. Change is fear inducing. I am still the kind, caring person I was 20 years ago but I've refined the rough edges. I have grown up a lot in those years. I've been able to make my dreams come true on many levels. During that time, there has been a lot of fear and even more tears.
I am definitely not as much of a type a personality than I used to be. It is a source of frustration because deep down inside, that part of me hasn't changed. What has changed is that I surrendered the surface of my day to day operations. I am no longer that dynamo who thrived off order and detail and planning.

You just have to look at my house to see it.
My grout is dirty.
I don't iron very often.
I don't enjoy baking anymore.
Things go undone.

You just have to look at me to see that things have changed.
I'm overweight.
I cheat on my diet hourly.
My exercise board on Pinterest gets more of a workout than I do.

One of the biggest sources of frustration for me is I make plans, plans fall through daily, hourly, minute by minute. My son likes the planning, because that goes hand in hand with autism. He likes my charts and lists. I'm working on time management skills with him, and he's getting better. However, it's sputtering progress-two steps forward, a few backward steps.

The worst part are the nay sayers in my life, who seem to drown out my cheerleaders. I know what I need to do to be successful, but I don't do it. In fact, that emotional paralysis has taken hold. I let this chorus of negativity topple my self confidence and stop my forward progress. Some of these people would prefer for me to fall flat on my face for their own selfish reasons.

The bottom line is I either man up and take back the control over my life, or forever hold my peace. There are some that will not appreciate the reinsertion of my spinal column, but it's necessary surgery. I have to go back to being who I am, and not worry about it affecting anyone else. The joy steamers have their own agenda-whether it's an attempt to make themselves feel better, or they just are plain out mean. For some people, there's a lot at stake if I don't take control again. I'm not here to build up your self esteem by tearing me down.

Change is scary, there is no doubt about it. You are stepping out in darkness, not sure where your foot will fall. Taking that first step is easier when Someone is holding your hand.