Mercy

Over the last few years, I have gone from primarily a stay at home wife and then mother, to working full time, to working full time plus a part time plus job to both of those and teaching yoga and cooking classes as well as all the volunteer work I always did. Add to it dealing with health issues, recovering from not just one but two abdominal surgeries, and post hysterectomy hormonal problems, I am not healed physically yet. Emotionally, I am still wrapping my head around a failed adoption attempt that no matter how brutal life with her was, it was still my heart being ripped out of my chest. I still have a house to maintain, a child to raise and the other day to day things that being a wife and mother entail that envelop me. Right now I am at maximum saturation levels beyond compare.


I am not whining, I am stating how it is.

In the past, I had some fall back measures, but I no longer have that strong a support system. The events of the past six months have given me clarity beyond measure with whom I can count on and who truly is there for me. The rug was pulled out from under me, and I no longer able to just pick myself up and dust myself off. I am bruised and bloody from all the battles I am fighting. I feel forsaken and alone, and my soul aches. I cry out from my own personal wilderness:



Like it is written in Psalm 84

My soul yearns, even faints,

for the courts of the LORD;

my heart and my flesh cry out

for the living God.



I feel like my cries are falling on deaf ears.

Its like that scene in the Godfather, just when I think I am out, they pull me back in…in my case, it’s the darkness that seems to surround me. When I need a tender, warm embrace I get the cold shoulder both literally and figuratively. There is nothing worse that putting a hand up for help and having it smacked away. Right now, it feels the little progress I’ve made in some areas is not enough and quite frankly, I currently don’t have anymore to give.

But that’s just temporary.



I know, as it is in Psalm 147:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Right now, I am the brokenhearted. I have given the enemy a toe hold in my life, which has allowed my belief system-usually a continuum straight from me to Him-to kink and knot. I am broken, bleeding and hurting beyond measure. It seems as if I haven’t done anything right in my life, because there are a few nay sayers, that I have let be the loudest in the chorus. I am fundamentally a good person, despite my flaws which proves again and again that I am human. I am an awesome mother and my son and I share a special bond. He loves to cuddle with me still, and despite the difficulties each morning and each bedtime brings, we still love through it all. I try my best at keeping house, and try to cook great meals and do all the things that were effortless when I was at home most of the time, and for the most part I am successful. I have to remember those successes when the dark demons attempt to take hold. I know in my heart I have given my best, and quite frankly that is all I have to give.