Lose Control

I circled a date on my calendar: May 12. It's the annual 5k I run in to raise funds for breast cancer patients. I have a little over 4 months to train for it, which has some good and bad points. The good is I will be able to train up to it, the bad is in my mind I have plenty of time to train.
I have not been really great to my body for over a half a year now. I treated it with incredible disrespect quite frankly. I went from being in incredible shape a year ago this time to a wide pendulum swing to my current state.
For a wide variety of reasons, I have not been kind to myself. I tend to eat to stuff down feelings and stress. That time frame was one of the most stressful times in my life. I was on an emotional roller coaster, and felt like I was never going to get off. But, thankfully I did.
And here I am.
I weigh more than I want to.
My dedication (and to a certain extent, motivation) is nonexistent.
I just feel...blah.
I have attempted to silence my little voice telling me to eat healthier and move more. I have shoved onion rings and burgers and sweets down my throat in order to keep it quiet.
The truth is, it makes me sad to eat junk. I feel awful afterwards, and if it's been particularly bad, it's a food hangover the next day. It makes me sad that I continue to do all of this even though I know it's bad for me.
There a wide variety of reasons, but the overwhelming reason is I've put myself on mute. I let myself be silenced. I've given over my voice to others, including unhealthy choices. Instead of saying no, I've either just given silent consent and tacitly went along or just said yes to keep peace.
I've always been tightly wound but in order to regain my health, I need to lose control.