Monday, March 10, 2014
The race funds many different programs-all of which remain local. Most breast cancer treatments cause alopecia or hair loss. The worst part? Most insurances won't cover wigs. The funds raised by the race give cancer patients wigs. They get hair, and believe it or not, it helps with healing. There is a sense of normalcy. I have several friends who have gone through treatment and they all said losing their hair was so traumatic. It was outward evidence that they had cancer. Having hair, even if it wasn't theirs gave them their dignity back.
Another program funded by the race is the Look Good Feel Better program, which teaches patients how to apply makeup and skin care treatments during their cancer journey. Skin changes due to various chemos and radiation therapy. In addition to losing the hair on your head, most of the time you also lose eyelashes, eyebrows...which contribute to looking different.
A cancer fitness program is also supported by race funds. Sometimes it goes to help patients to pay for medications they need but can't afford.
There are so many different ways this race benefits the community. I am in the midst of my training program for this year's race in May. Its hard to envision running outside, with snow on the ground and sub Arctic temperatures. But just give me a reason and I will.
Saturday, March 01, 2014
Having this mindset is actually scaring me. I don’t like it, it makes me very uncomfortable because I know this is not really me. I am not a martyr, but this latent trait started to rear its ugly head years ago and came out full force once I became a mother. I need to stop it in its tracks, but I am not sure where to start. I know I have to catch myself when I start with the negative self talk.
There are a few fronts that I find myself doing this on. One is my health-the whole eating/exercise/appearance thing. I find myself trying to show off how “healthy” I’m eating, only to binge on junk food later in the day. What frustrates me is I don’t even want the junk food, but I go ahead and eat it anyway. Its like I think I deserve to eat whatever I want and not do the other things that make me healthier and happier. On the flip side, there also is the issue of feeling I don’t deserve to be healthy because once in 1975 I did something wrong. Deep inside, I feel like God is keeping a set of tally points for all that I did wrong in my life and that because the bad outweighs the good, I don’t deserve anything good in my world. Don’t you feel sorry for me yet? Its called a martyr complex, and boy do I seem to have one!
The bottom line is if I am fat and don’t work out like I should, there is a persona I inhabit, and I can get attention this way. I know that I have this nagging thought running as an undercurrent-look at what I am doing pay attention to me!!!-and its driving me mad.
I feel awesome when I work out, and its this endorphin high that carries throughout the day. The runners high truly exists, and I love it. However, I don’t do it. I don’t do it because then it would violate the whole feel sorry for me because I am fat persona. I bring healthy food to eat (salad, veggies, fruit) and then I don’t eat it, rather choosing junk food. I have on my outlook calendar at work to walk twice a day-I can walk around the skywalk and never freeze. However, the only walking I do is to the cafeteria and getting junk food…there is a deep seated issue with this that I need to do more digging on.
What has been breaking my heart about my eating and working out is the Little Man is learning about healthy living in school. He is starting to notice that some of my habits are not in line with healthy living-like the amount of junk that I consume. He also is aware of how little I exercise. He has told me about this as well. He asks me why I do some of the things I do, especially when I am telling him to do as I say and not as I do. He knows the difference between good choices and bad ones, and he's only 7-why can't I make the proper decisions?
Then we get to the appearance thing…its like I go for the whole sympathy thing about how I look, as if I don’t deserve to look good. Everyone has a mental image of how they look, and in my mental image I am much thinner than I am now, and I look like someone that stepped out of Talbot’s or Ann Taylor, maybe the Gap. I favor blacks, grays, whites and khakis. I am rather traditional looking, almost preppy. However, I do not dress like this, mainly because I can’t find this look on the bargain racks…I prefer wedge heels, and my hair with blondish highlights. I like a French manicure, and my hair in a bob. I wear minimal make up-just enough to enhance me, not hide me.
I actually have this mental image of me in charcoal gray slacks, with a white oxford shirt, black sweater vest, chunky black heels, with my hair in a pony and a black headband, carry a black patent leather purse and satchel. I look awesome, but then I look in the mirror and don’t see that reflection and then it’s the whole why should I bother mentality. I don't really dress the way that I want because its almost like a punishment for myself-and perpetuating the martyr cycle. If I looked the way that I really wanted to, then I wouldn't have anything to complain about right?
The other big issue I have is over housework. I have this pity party going on in my head about house work. My little whiny voice keeps saying I work all day then I come home and have to do x,y,z. No one helps me ever! (which is totally not true, but I keep telling myself that) So the clutter builds up, the general housework doesn’t get done because I am so tired…no one helps they just make messes…why should I bother its only going to get messy again…these are the thoughts that go through my head over and over, which I know is not healthy. I even have planned out what I need to do everyday to keep up with the house-daily cleaning, laundry, etc. But I never do that-actually I come up mentally with things to do rather than the daily cleaning that keeps my house looking good. Then things get to a point where I look around and go to myself, how did this mess happen? Where do I start? Then I get frustrated and don’t do anything, mumbling to myself all the while.
It’s a miserable way to do things, and its certainly not the best for my family, but I can’t seem to break myself out of this rut. I am trying very hard, but it seems for every step forward, I take three or four steps back.
Once again, my mental image does not reflect reality, because the house would look magazine ready all the time. I grew up in a home like that and it was miserable, but I guess old habits die hard. I mean we had plastic carpet runners and heaven forbid you went off them. And no one ever went into the the living or dining room unless it was a special occassion. It was the whole illusion of perfection, the house is perfect so therefore everything else is.
I don't want my home to be covered in plastic that crinkles and sticks to you. However, I do have to find a happy medium that will work for both me & my family. I have to stop with the whole martyr complex because its not good for me, its not good for my family and its diminishing the quality of my life. On one level, I am looking for attention, and for someone to notice me-I want to be applauded for my good choices and be told good job. I want the feedback, I want to be given that elusive gold star. Ate healthy foods instead of junk? Here's a pat on the back. Cleaned the bathroom without complaining? Here's a reward. I know I can do that to myself, but I don't. That would negate the whole martyr complex-I would lose that part of my identity.
This was originally written in 2008. I wish I could say that I've grown & changed as a woman, wife & mother, but...
Friday, February 28, 2014
I am older now, and my club kid days are long passed me. Now, if we go out, its to family friendly events and places.
Luckily for us, there are a lot of opportunities here in the heart of the Midwest.
The Washington Pavillion-there 3 facets of this place, each independent and fascinating. There is the visual arts museum, which has a permenant installation of Native American art. The other galleries feature changing installations.
Kirby Science Center features a lot of great kid friendly exhibits and activities. We love to go on first Friday (admission is free and the cine-dome movies are $5/person)
There also is a performing arts space, and unfortunately I have only been to one performance there since we moved (this is after I was an avid McCarter Theatre fan). The performance? Nick Jr live for the Little Man’s birthday in 2010.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
There have been numerous videos floating around social media regarding the use of Photoshop. While it does have its place in terms in the world of photography, I am of the opinion that in most cases its disengeious . The models seen in advertisements or on magazine covers are not real, and for many women (myself included) it causes so much heartache and body hatred.
I know now that I won’t ever achieve those figures or looks, because they are not real. However, my son and his friends are tweens. They are not sure what the differences are. They take things at face value. They don’t understand that they are being sold a false bill of goods.
When I was younger, the look was tall, thin and blonde-very
A lot of the moms I know like their wine, but I'm not one of them. I couldn't tell the difference between the expensive and cheap stuff. I don't particulary like beer, once in a while, and then I go for the yuppie craft stuff. I do, however, like my frou frou frilly drinks that come with salt rimmed glasses or umbrellas.
1 part Malibu rum
1 part pineapple juice
Stir together and sip. I dare you.
1 part Malibu rum
1 part V8 Pina colada smoothie
mix together, drink up
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
At night, I am so bad at remembering to take off my make up and do that whole before bed beauty routine. Honestly, I do remember it some nights, but other nights I just collapse into bed and I remember when I wake up unable to open my eyes due to clumped mascara. When I do, I use eye make up remover gel stuff. I got a whole bunch of Estee Lauder’s eye make up remover in the swag bags (you know, you buy perfume & you get all sorts of free stuff) that its what I am using right now. Then I use Aveeno to wash my face. I use night of Olay which, once again is something I’ve used for eons and it works really well for me.