Wednesday, August 20, 2014
I have pretty diverse music taste. I like a lot of everything, but I tend to listen to a lot of what I did in high school and a lot of Christian contemporary-especially when my son is in the car. Every so often, a song comes along that I'm obsessed with. A few years ago, it was Love Song by Sara Bareilles. Then it was Back to Black by Amy Winehouse. This summer's jam has quickly become my theme song: All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor.
It's on repeat on my iPod. It's on at the gym, in the car, at work. Everywhere.
It's a great reminder that we are all beautiful.
I struggle with seeing myself as beautiful. That might be surprising, especially based on the number of selfies I take and post to social media. I think sometimes I look for validation from others, because I want to know that I'm attractive, that I rock somebody 's world. I want to know that despite my flaws, I can be perfect.
Deep down inside though, I know I'm beautiful.
Even on days when I'm not feeling it, this song gets me pumped up.
Beauty comes from many things: genetics, personality, a sense of style.
I've always been curvy, even at my thinnest (thanks eating disorder!) I've let my size dictate my self worth. This has led to a lot of insecurity. I NEED to hear I'm pretty and rock your world.
Until recently. I have to love me, every inch of me, before I can let someone love me.
Check out the song & video
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Going off to college is the first giant leap into adulthood. I wouldn't trade my college days for anything (especially since they happened before social media). However, there were things I wish I knew before I went off to the white mountains of New Hampshire.
I was incredibly unprepared for dorm life. I freely admit it. I thought I was organized...but I wasn't. Life quickly devolved into chaos.
I was an outstanding student in high school...in college I received a huge wake up call academically. The College Prepster (http://www.thecollegeprepster.com) has a lot of great tips and advice.
It's hard learning to do stuff on your own if you're not used to it. I wish I had known a lot more about life before I went off to college. Little things like dealing with roommates, ( I was an only child at that point) or doing laundry regularly were challenges.
We had a communal shower in our dorm. I didn't know about wearing flip flops, until I got a nasty infection. Lesson learned.
Time management and study habits were two things I thought I got. I was wrong. I really struggled with being organized. I also struggled with studying, getting papers written and more. I also got overly involved with activities, which looking back, added more challenges to my course load. Being better organized would have helped.
Budgeting would have been a big help too. I wish I had not opened a credit card my freshman year. (Free money! Yeah!) I didn't really understand it, and I paid a steep price financially for a long time afterwards.
I also wished I had thought about my course load more. I took a lot of classes at the same time that really required me to write a lot of papers, do a lot of homework and outside studying. If I had to do it all over again, I would have lightened the load more.
I also was not prepared for the partying. I didn't drink in high school. The fact that I, as an 18 year old, could go drink whenever I wanted to, was something that no one told me about. I'm not a drinker. I don't like beer. I don't really like wine. I like fruity drinks where I don't taste alcohol. I also am a control freak, so I don't like being drunk. It took some trial & error (and thankfully no awful consequences) to figure out that the party scene wasn't for me.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Out I have wasted a lot of energy and living because I wasn't perfect. I've tried to make myself someone I wasn't in hopes someone would like me. I've said yes to a lot of things I should have said no to, because of a need to be perceived as perfect.
I've stayed in friendships and relationships for too long, tried too hard with them to live up to a standard that was impossible.
I've been told my teeth are ugly and gross, so they didn't want to kiss me. I've stressed out over motherhood more than I care to admit.
I have felt that I'm never good enough. A lot of times I feel I don't do things "right". When that happens, I freeze. I become paralyzed. And I can't move forward.
I'm too loud, I call too much attention to myself, I'm not pretty enough, I don't dress right...the list goes on and on.
I'm slowly working on curing this need for perfection. It's so hard when you've caught yourself up in these lies. It's only now, in my almost mid 40's that I'm realizing that I'm pretty awesome. I'm beautiful in my own way. I'm outgoing. I'm enthusiastic about life. I am deeply committed to my son and ensuring him to lead his best life. I'm talented, smart, and faithful. I work to make the world a better place.
If people can't accept that, then i guess they aren't accepting me, and they have no room in my life. I know that sounds mean and harsh, but after you've wasted as much time as I have in my life worrying about what other people thought...you would be the same way.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
I grew up in a family where there wasn't much of a difference between the physical and metaphysical planes.
When I went to school, I began to realize that not everyone was exposed to the same things I was. I learned to shut that side off and not talk about it, for fear of being picked on. I stopped talking to my guardian angel, and tried to forget about the metaphysical side of life. There has always been a tugging in that direction, but I ignored it. After I met my husband, a fairly devout Catholic, and when I was studying youth ministry I tried to pretend angels live in the heavenly realm and really don't have much interaction with mere mortals.
I should mention that I was also going through some of the darkest periods of my life during this time. I should have been calling on my guardian angels, but instead I toughed it out. (live and learn, I suppose) It was after I became a mother myself that I realized that not only were these stories part of our family history, they were part of our faith journey. I want my son to call on his guardian angel when he needs to. (or just talk to them too. Nothing wrong with that) The older I get, as well, the more I need the reassurance that someone is looking out for my best interests.
Guardian angels are sometimes confused with "spirit guides." A spirit guide is a loving being who has lived upon the earth in human form. This person then received special training in the afterlife about how to become a spirit guide. This training emphasizes that the guide is not to interfere with your free will or make decisions for you. Your spirit guide may have passed-away in the physical life before you were born. However, this loving being was there at your birth and has been with you every day of your life since.
Friday, August 15, 2014
I'm very blessed to have some really amazing ladies in my life.
Unfortunately, none of them live here in South Dakota. Making friends as an adult is HARD. ,y husband has a crazy work schedule, so it's hard to do girls night out. It's hard to have friends over too. Being an autism mommy is a challenge too, because a lot of others dont understand how I can't just hire a sitter and go out.
Thankfully, there's Facebook.
My BFF Jeninne and I have known each other since our days at bonneville junior high in Salt Lake City. We've been through ups, downs and sideways through the years. Even though we hardly ever see each other, I know she's got my back and I've got hers. She's truly a sister to me.
My other BFF is Christina. We became friends thanks to working together in college radio. She helped me celebrate two amazing birthdays (including the best 25th a girl could ask for) with awesome parties. As we've grown up, we've shared weddings and motherhood together.
I'm really fortunate. My two sisters in law welcomed me to the family two decades ago, and have been supportive and loving ever since. I know a lot of folks who don't like their in laws. Not me! I miss hanging out, going to lunch or shopping with them.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Many years ago, I had a job where I travelled a lot. In most cases, I was by myself, so I had to learn to eat by myself, go to the movies by myself and just generally be with myself.
For some folks, that's a terrifying concept.
For me, I rather enjoyed it.
I always have a book with me, so it's a chance to read. There are no awkward silences. I don't have to make small talk. I eat lunch by myself most days at work. I put my headphones on, listen to a podcast or WXPN on my radio app, read and have 30 minutes of solitude.
I like to go to the movies. That's great, except no one else in my house does. We have this amazing independent film group here in town called Cinema Falls. I really enjoy the movies they show, and I have no problems going by myself. I have some of Icon lounge's awesome guacamole & chips and a few cokes and its a beautiful night out for me.
I guess on some levels I like being alone. I'm comfortable with that. I don't have an overwhelming need to be around people all the time. I choose who I surround myself with.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
I haven't had a real girls night out since I've been married. I made that realization a while ago. Between work, motherhood and the fact none of my girl friends live here, it's something lacking in my life. I'm in my kid 40's, so it's really hard to make friends. I'm out of the play date stage of parenting, with my son going into middle school. I don't drink, so going to bar thing doesn't happen.
My girls nights are actually on a weekend day when my son is playing video games downstairs, I'm in yoga pants, binge watching netflix and eating gelato.
I wouldn't know what to do on a girls night out, honestly.
I mean, do people really do these things? I wouldn't know how to dress either.
This is super cute too. I love comfy clothes.