Sunday, May 29, 2016

What Was I Thinking?

I've been with the Big Man for the better part of the last 23 years.

That's half my life.

And I'm now twice the size I was way back when. 

I had an epiphany when I was in the sauna at the gym this afternoon. I went to soak in the hot tub & sauna. It's part of my Sunday routine. It's part of me practicing self care, which is still a new concept to me.

I didn't have a lot of positive models for marriage growing up. Men didn't last long in my family. My mother has been widowed twice, my grandmother and her sisters were all widowed relatively young-it might have scared off some men! As a result, I based a lot of my marital knowledge on sitcoms & romance novels and movies. None of which bode well for having an understanding of what a real relationship holds. I just assumed that once you're married, you can kick back and eat Nutella out of the jar, right?

Unconditional love is one thing, but when you push the limits by not caring about yourself, you're in for a world of hurt. I know I've stumbled and fallen over the years, lately I've been stuck in quicksand. I've been juggling so much that I've fallen and couldn't get back up. I guess I figured while I was down there, I might as well have a snack. 
It was like the Hoff eating a cheeseburger ( A lot of cheeseburgers.

For years, I've resolved I was going to make a change, that I'm going to get healthy, that this was my rock bottom. In the meantime, I started to build a wall around me with bricks of guilt, shame, depression, unhappiness, jealousy, coveting, and all sorts of negative emotions. I couldn't make a change until I knocked down those walls.

Unfortunately, I'm not Miley Cyrus & I couldn't swing in like a wrecking 
ball. It's taken a lot of time, journaling and prayer to work through all this. 

It's only very recently that it's clicked for me. I've been trying to plug my soul holes with food. It's the same as plugging a leak on a boat with a window screen. I had about as much luck, too.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV

When I read that passage, during my study time, it clicked. Am I glorifying God by drinking that soda or eating another bag of chips? Is hitting the drive thru bringing me closer? 

Unfortunately for my taste buds, the answer was a resounding no. I didn't go crazy like I've done in the past and jump on some diet bandwagon. I just started cooking again. That's all. I make real food for breakfast, lunch & dinner. I even have my favorites too, and in just a few short weeks, I'm losing weight. I didn't change anything other than how I look at what I'm consuming, rather than letting it consume me. 

After all, what was I thinking?

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