Over and Over

I have been stuck in a rut since last summer. It started in June, as chaos erupted all around me and it has yet to abate. Somehow, someway I gained nearly 80 pounds. In my somnambulistic state, I overate a whopping 280,000 calories in the last nine or so months. That’s 7000 calories a week, over an extra 1000 calories a day.

What the heck did I eat for those calories? Or how much soda was really involved? Brownies? General junk food?

Starting with the fact that during this time, we ate a lot of take out and bad for you food overall. I had someone living in my house who liked processed stuff like ramen noodles, bologna and all sorts of poverty staples. I ate better in college than I did from June-November. Don’t get me wrong; those foods are quite tasty, so eating them was not a problem. It’s the side effect of eating sugary, processed foods that caused all this. When you eat junk, you start craving junk.

In addition to eating all that stuff that was so totally bad for me, I stopped exercising. I am one of those people who need to exercise to keep weight off. I stopped running, stopped lifting weights, and stopped Pilates, tai chi, belly dancing, kickboxing, everything that I did that made me happy and healthy.

It’s frustrating because no one seems to believe me when I say that I actually like eating healthy and exercising. My head knows it, my heart knows it, but looking at me it’s obvious something isn’t quite working anymore. I was talking with an acquaintance the other day and I mentioned that I loved kickboxing. They looked at me, incredulously. “You kick box?” they asked. I said yes, and I got a look like I don’t think so.

Quite frankly, I am tired of writing this post over and over. In the nearly five years since I’ve started blogging, there are two recurrent themes that exist: healthy living and housework. Neither one I have been a success at, apparently. I am tired of coming up with excuses, and tired of saying tomorrow. Getting in shape and getting healthy is about turning heads or getting attention that way. It’s not about making someone fall for you or getting back at the prom queen. Doing it for someone else is going to set yourself up for failure.

I am doing this for me, because I am tired of living the way I have been. I am tired of hoping that something is going to change, without putting the effort in. I am tired of looking back on the glory days and wishing it was the same. I am tired of writing the same blog post, over and over.