Having a child with special needs, no matter how "high functioning", is hard. The levels of tired I feel from just trying to get out of the house in the morning are mind boggling. The levels of tired u feel trying to convince a willful 9 year old to do homework is staggering. Bath time and bed time battles would exhaust Job's patience.
Those drain me. Is it any wonder that the little energy I have left is parceled out sparingly. I try to keep up with the house, but it seems to explode around me. My living room has currently been overrun by hot wheels tracks. My kitchen island is occupied by a Lincoln log village. Lego vehicles are scattered about the kitchen, bathroom and the rest of the house.
My home gym/yoga studio shares it's space with the video game area. I haven't worked out all week mainly because it's a disaster down there. The prospect of tidying up is daunting, even though it should only take 15 minutes. I just can't face it in the morning.
Not to mention the playroom. I feel myself bristling going downstairs. It's frustrating because it seems the moment I clean it, it's a disaster again.
Cleaning up for a neurotypical child is a challenge. For an autistic child, it's as if you're asking them to amputate a limb. The screaming, the stomping, the meltdowns sometimes are enough for me to just wind up doing it myself. It's because I just can't take it another second, and despite wanting to teach my son the necessity of tidying up, I can't face it.
Sometimes you need to just walk away to keep the peace. So I have. Little Man has enough on his plate right now. They are doing standardized tests in 3rd grade. He has struggled all year with the fact his friends are noticing he's different. He's noticing he's different.
I can't make the world change for him. I can't wave a magic wand to make it better. If I could, I would. My house would be spotless. I'd make gourmet meals every night. We would have dance offs and sing alongs. Joy would be the overriding emotion in our house. Laughter would be heard all the time. Wed smile and snuggle and have peace. No one would be exhausted and the fatigue cerebrale would be non existent. Long walks in the moonlight, counting stars would happen all the time.
A girl can dream can't she?
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