Icarus

Its back to school time, and in a few short days my Little Man will be a fourth grader. I am amazed at how fast time flies as he grows up.
Back to school always makes me giddy. I loved school as a child, and to this day I still love learning. During my 20’s and into my 30’s, I took full advantage of all that Princeton University had to offer for community lectures and classes. I belonged to several book groups. I took classes at the community school, and cooking classes at Williams Sonoma. I thirsted after knowledge. After I got married, due to the newlywed bliss, I stopped chasing after lifelong learning. As time went on, I read less and went thirsty. Becoming a mother, I focused on my child learning, and became increasingly parched.
Its only fairly recently that I realized that I miss learning new skills. I miss the opportunity to conquer the unknown. I miss making me better.
I don’t quite know why I stopped growing and learning. I think part of me was afraid that if I did, I wouldn’t fit into the little wife box that I put myself in. Part of it also was that I wanted to spend every waking moment with my beloved, and I couldn’t bear to be apart, and then it just grew into homeostasis. I was afraid that I might change too much, and no longer be recognizable. I clipped my own wings.
Now, I am not as needed by my child. He is more mature. He reminds me he is a tween, and therefore capable of doing things ALL BY HIMSELF. He doesn’t need me to help with the day to day things that even six months ago I was needed for. I have been replaced by independence. Of course, I am still needed to help with long division and fractions and checking homework. Once upon a time, we would lie together on a blanket on the floor, with his head on my stomach, both reading a book. I couldn’t tell you the last book I really read and enjoyed. I don’t have the mental capacity or veracity to do so.
There are many things that used to be beloved that have been shed, like a hermit crab sheds his old shell, yet no new home has been found. Yet.
After breaking my leg, I have had THE TIME to think, and remember, and reminisce. I miss learning new things. I miss my crossword puzzles, and reading new books, and learning new things. Even if I didn’t like the book group’s selection, I loved being able to discuss why I didn’t like it. These are very much part of me, the same as sinew and bone. I need to continue to learn, challenge myself and grow. Homeostasis works but for a fleeting moment, at least in the Dee-niverse. So I am in search of opportunities to flap my wings and fly. I downloaded some apps, printed a few crossword puzzles and put on my big girl panties. I will indeed soar.