Here I Am Baby

Originally written over the summer...now ready to share

I was in yoga class last Saturday, and I was talking with a fellow devotee, who is also a holistic healer. We have been casually visiting over the course of several months, and we met up after class and browsed the farmes market.
She told me that my biggest issue is an energy blockage.
Most of my fat is in my belly, and I joke around that isn't it ironic the woman who could never get pregnant always looks like she is?
My yoga friend said that there is something to that. She thinks that I am holding so much anger and resentment in there, over the infertility and other things, that I can't move beyond, and  I am stuck.
Stuck, huh?
I think that there is a bit of truth to that. I am stuck with a lot in my life right now.
I am struggling with juggling a child, a job, two pets, and too much of everything else.
Really, this is what I always dreamed of...the house, the husband, the pets, the kid, I have what I always wanted.
But I still want more, more MORE.
Well, what it all boils down to is letting go.
I need to let go of all this resentment and pain lingering from the infertility. I need to just finally bury it. I know in my head, but my heart and my gut are not always logical. I think I am done, and I can move on, and it all comes back again. Its like that line from the Godfather...when I think I am out, they pull me back in.
I do know that there is going to have to be some point where I am done grieving for what never was.
Many of my other "issues" are all inter-related.
I eat to stuff my feelings. My entire concept of being a woman has been upended. Truth to tell, I don't feel pretty, I feel like a fake mom (in fact, I had one fellow school mom tell me I wasn't a real mom because I adopted), I feel like I should be more troll like rather than who I really am. I feel like I need to punish myself and really not enjoy life.
I stopped working out.
I stopped getting my hair colored.
I stopped getting my nails done.
I stopped getting my spray tans.
I stopped doing volunteer work.
I stopped reading voraciously.
I changed my sense of style.
Basically, everything about me changed.
I became bitter and angry. I held onto anger and resentment and disappointment. I began to hide behind food. I started to lose my temper and became a shrieking banshee. I stopped being me.


As I get back into a regular yoga practice, all these emotions are coming to the surface. I meditate, and there are a lot of thoughts and memories that come out that I have obviously repressed. I have had all sorts of pain bubble up. For example, I have suffered from pain and heaviness on my shoulders from carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.