For the last 28 years, I have been involved with some aspect of teaching Sunday school or youth ministry. I spent three years as the youth director of my church. It was a wonderful experience, but I needed to focus on spending time with my family, not focusing on other people’s families. There were a lot of lessons that I learned during those three years, some good, some bad, some in between.
The most shocking part for me, despite all the years in this calling, was the pulling back of the curtain. It was like that scene in the Wizard of Oz, when you see the wizard in his realness. It isn’t always pretty. After I stepped away from my role, I needed to step away entirely from the church. At first, it was terrifying. My identity for most of my life was that of being Episcopalian. It was the denomination I was married in, it was how I was raising our son. It was like part of me was being ripped out of my soul.
There were some advantages too. I had lots more free time. I wasn’t responding to emails or problems. I didn’t have to plan lessons. I could sleep in on Sunday mornings. I was able to attend church with my family. I no longer needed a Sunday afternoon nap (although they still are quite enjoyable). I was able to get out of the spiritual desert I was in.
Right now, I don’t have a church home, and that’s ok. I am enjoying worshipping at different churches and listening to different preaching styles. My son is enrolled in CCD at my husband’s church, and is enjoying that. I love not feeling committed either. I like warming the pew, and it has lots of benefit for me right now.
Despite not having a church home, I have never felt closer to God than I have over these last 5 or so months. I am finding Him in all sorts of different ways. Walking in the woods, I see His masterpieces. Watching birds soar over head, I can hear Him whispering on their wings. I see His love in the people I love the most. I finally understand, after all these years, what its really like to have a personal relationship with God.
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