I am grateful for these days where I have no choice but to slow life down. I am usually going at 100 miles an hour and unable to really enjoy anything because I am so focused on the destination that I don't enjoy the journey. I have had no choice but to take a few steps backward and just be. Tomorrow the insanity starts all over again with back to work, but today its just being at home with my boys.
I realized over the last few days of being snownbound that I am just plain exhausted. A lot of it has to do with fighting an uphill battle with some in my life, some who are just psychic vampires. I am tired of fighting for attention against them, because its really not worth it anymore. I realized that I am never going to be recognized for who I am by them and the more I clamor for attention, the more frustrated I get. I guess I just have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me and appreciate me, and that life goes on. There is a bit of my personality that just wants everyone to like me. I mean, I'm funny, I'm cute and talented. What's not to like, right?
But I digress...the storm has also helped me to look at some other issues in my life as well. I know that some of the exhaustion that I've been dealing with lately has been due to the fact that I've been there, done that already. I was an integral part of my sister's life growing up and now she's a completely different species that I don't recognize. I think I have a fear of the Little Man being like that as he gets older. But I have to remember that he is own person, and that things in his life are radically different from her life.
I have to admit that is why I don't scrap like I used to. I scrapped every element of my sister's life, and the anger and vitriol she offers as thanks is quite suprising. Years ago, she literally ran out of a scrapbook store in Manalapan screaming because I embarrassed her (mind you she was 12 or 13, not a little kid). I don't know why I equate my Little Guy with the other one, and deny him my best because of someone else...just like I don't do a lot of other things that I did when my sister was younger-basically because I am burned out and tired from all that. Its exhausting when you keep trying your best and not getting any payoff from it all.
So, I am working on a Christmas album for the Little Man (Big Man too)I did the layouts, with specific pictures in mind. Like I made a Christmas tree out of paper, ribbon and stickers that I am going to put pictures of my favorite ornaments on, and pictures of the presents under the tree. Its a really cool concept (at least I think so). And I designed a great layout about the snow (just add pictures!)
I don't bake like I used to either. I used to be the baking queen-every chance I got I'd make cookies or brownies or bars from scratch. But now, I don't do any of that. Its like I forgot how...same with cooking. I used to cook a lot more and really take effort in planning meals as well as executing them. Now, its like I've lost control over things and it seems my life as well.
So...I need to get back on track. I need that whole routine thing back in my life, and little by little take back control. I need to use this time with the snow to take back control. Some tidying up today, some laundry and most importantly-some scrapping!
Love being snowed in!
No comments:
Post a Comment