Its day 2 of "24 in the mirror". Who I am right now and who I thought I'd be right now have a lot of similar points but also a lot of divergence.
As recently as last year at this time, I was in better physical shape. Somewhere along the line, I lost my mojo and it's been really hard to get back. In fact, it's been pretty dormant. I *want* to work out, but there's a disconnect with actually doing it.
My body has been fleshed out. It's harder for me to do things, thats the bottom line. I'm more winded walking. It's harder to keep up in yoga class. It's a struggle to play with my kid. Cleaning the house is even challenging. Yet, I'm not really doing anything about it because it's even harder to start all over again.
I'm not a work out novice by any means. I know what needs to be done, it's just actually doing it. At some level, I feel almost like I'm punishing myself. It's like subconsciously sabotaging me because I don't think I deserve it.
It reminds me of the SNL skit with Stuart Smalley: I'm smart enough, I'm pretty enough and gosh darn it, people like me.
All of those statements are true.
There's a lot more excavation that needs to go on to get to the root cause of why I don't think health is my personal right. Some of it goes back to my teenage years, where my weight fluctuated it so much. I can still hear the mean girls in my head. Some of it is the isolation of working out at home. Some of it may be the guilt of "taking time" from others (from what sitting on the couch?). There's a lot of fear of "being noticed" too. There's a fear that I might be considered a traitor to the "cause".
On the other hand, there are all the benefits of being healthy. When I eat healthy and work out, my skin glows. I have energy. I have a rush of endorphins soaring through me. I feel strong and powerful. I can move mountains.
The problem is, I'm breaking out of my self imposed role by taking charge. It's been seared into my brain that I am supposed to be the wall flower, the one who isn't supposed to be assertive, the doormat who is desperate to be liked and would just say yes because of wanting to be part of the in crowd. I guess who you are as a teenager becomes an integral part of your psyche.
There are some folks who may tell me to just suck up and deal. Sure, that's an easy, knee jerk response. It's like archeology, exploring layer upon layer of why's and why nots, before reaching a conclusion.
Time to start digging.
