Sick of it All

I consider myself pretty healthy. I eat well, exercise, have pretty good numbers (blood sugar, cholesterol, etc), get plenty of rest...except for a nasty abdominal hernia. I thought they were just cosmetic issues. Not quite.

In the beginning of October, I had a nasty bout of bronchitis. I had been coughing a lot, and apparently I "did" something with my hernia. I had near constant pain in my abdomen. Luckily, I have an awesome primary care physician who wanted to get this fixed. 

X rays showed nothing, which was both good and bad. I needed a CT. Off I went for that...and they found a small mass near my belly button. Next up was an ultrasound, which was inconclusive. I needed to get it biopsied.

My anxiety went off the chart over the prospect that this might be serious. I spent a lot of time in prayer, focusing on a verse from Philippians 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Philippians 4:6 NIV

The morning of the biopsy I was in near panic. It was the fear of the unknown. I was terrified that if it was cancer, what would happen. Would I need surgery? Additional treatment? Luckily, the Big Man is pretty pragmatic and told me there's nothing to worry about. If there was something serious, we'd deal with it then.

Following the biopsy, the good news was it was completely benign. However, I still had a lot of pain. I wound up spending a week in the hospital as they tried to pinpoint what was wrong-and how to fix it.

That brings us back to my hernia. I had a pretty massive one, and it needed to get fixed. It was incarcerated-meaning my intestines were trapped-and that was causing my pain and a low grade infection. I needed surgery.

In the meantime, I needed to clear up my infection as much as possible. Several weeks of antibiotics gave way to having surgery. Prior to it, my surgeon did not know if he could do it robotically or if he would have to open me up.

Luckily, the robot won.

It doesn't mean that it's been an easy recovery. I've got a lot of pain. I have to wear a binder, and I'm limited in what I can do physically for quite some time. I can't lift over 10 lbs-so that means grocery shopping, laundry, other chores are going to be a challenge for me. Not just immediately, but for some time to come. 

I'm so lucky that my husband & son have helped take care of me and picked up my slack. I'm focused on healing right now and just getting back to me.

Day by Day

It's been a month since my most recent surgery. I keep waiting to feel better, but so far, nothing permanent. I have moments when I feel better but more often than not, I still hurt.
I'm in a binder still, to allow my stomach muscles which have been roto-rootered to heal. I still tire quite easily, which I think is the most frustrating for both myself and my family.
I look better, so I should feel better, right?
The doctor told me I need to be patient. Um excuse me, I lack that skill big time...
I need to heal on my body's timetable, not mine. However I do have a life too. The two are currently not co-existing. I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a 1/2 gallon of milk. I am hampered at my life. Im not supposed to carry groceries or a laundry basket. I'm not allowed to vacuum (apparently vacuuming is a great ab workout, who knew?)so all that falls to my husband.
I've never been the greatest homemaker, but this not being able to anything is frustrating beyond belief. In fact, I almost miss it. Almost.
I tire easily still, so that's frustrating too . I feel compelled to take a nap when I get home, rather than anything else. I'm just drained. Add to it trying to do all the homemaking stuff that I used to do (being hampered by my limitations) and I'm set up to be cranky.
By the end of the night, I'm so physically tired, I'm ready to just collapse. Seriously. Im tired of being tired all the time...
I know that this is temporary, and that eventually I will be feeling better, but in this moment, I feel like crud still. I want my strength and endurance back, but it's nowhere to be found it seems.
Instead of baking and planning the final run up to Christmas, I am wanting to be snoozing in the recliner. I have only managed to bake 2 dozen cookies this year, which quite honestly is nothing. That's like a normal weekend. I just am not into it, because I'm so tired.
It's a physical tired where you feel like you are walking through quicksand. Every step is a struggle.
I think because this surgery wasn't as invasive as last years, I just assumed I'd bounce back quicker. Last year, I was off work for 6 weeks, followed by another 2-3 weeks of limited movement. This time, I was back to work in 2 weeks, but a month out and I'm still feeling like I'm in "healing" mode.
Add to it, mentally I'm just not there either. I'm struggling with getting in the holiday spirit as much as I would like. Looking at my checklist of things not done:
Cards not sent
Baking not done
Christmas dinner not planned
Heck, I haven't even put together my outfits for the week.
My husband has been doing the laundry for the past month, and I have been trying to keep up with putting it away.
Lunches not packed
My normal daily cleaning not done for the past month.
No yoga.
No running.
No working out.
I'm ready to just be healed.
But I need to take it day by day.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpVZ3-zQWdg&feature=youtube_gdata_player