But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb. And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. So it went on year by year. As often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat. (1 Samuel 1:5-7 ESV)
Oh Hannah, I can so relate.
I too had a closed womb. No one knows how painful it is to not be able to do something as simple as bear children. In fact, it's very very painful . I thought I was over it all, when I became a mother through the gift of adoption. Then I had a hysterectomy and it brought it back again. It became completely real because all hope was lost at that point. I wasn't going to have a biological child.
Immediately after surgery, I lost a lot of weight. I looked the best I had in years. I went from a 18/20 to a 12. I was feeling great, gaining strength and vowing I was over it all.
But I wasn't.
Obviously.
There is a layer in my psyche that doesn't want to deal with it entirely. Due to that, I continue to stuff my feelings and not confront them. My object of control is food. I choose comfort foods and convenience foods because it's just easier than to face my feelings.
Like Hannah, I took a double portion (of everything it seems). I know intimately Hannah's pain. I know how it feels when everyone around you seems to be pregnant or just had a baby. Showers were agonizing. I wanted to scream at the pregnant women who complained about their pregnancies, don't you know what kind of gift you've been given???
Like Hannah, I too was gifted a miracle child. My little man is the light of my life and I delight in him. I feel it is a privilege & honor to be his mother . However, there still is an undercurrent of longing. Eventually this needs to bubble up to the surface for healing.
Like Hannah, I remain steadfast in my faith, and I trust in my Lord to heal. I too have used food to deal with my issues (Hannah did not eat, I most certainly did). I know that time heals all wounds, and in time I will be made whole again.
Hannah, you are a spiritual hero.
Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity. Margaret D. Nadauld
1 comment:
Popped in from SITS! My husband and I are struggling to get pregnant and you're right--it's so hard when everyone else complains how their pregnancies when that's all you've ever wanted. I don't eat myself stupid--I overexcercise and destroy my body that way. Great post!
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