Let It Go

I’ve been told by lots of people, most notably my husband, that I am too nice for my own good. Like many women, I struggle with standing up for myself and putting myself first. I don’t want to be seen as a bee word, and on some level, want everyone to like me. As a result of not wanting to stir the pot and shake things up, I have held onto relationships for a lot longer than necessary. I also tend to attract a lot of negative people into my life. It might be that I am wanting to help them see how great life is on the positive side (revelation: it never works) and/or the fact that there are just a lot of folks out there that want to steal your sunshine.

 

I am working on letting go of all the weight in my life-physical, spiritual and emotional. Part of that includes letting go of the negative people who have been weighing me down. I am a big fan of ritual, and in this situation, ritual is the best way to let go. I don’t wish ill will on these folks-they are like this for a variety of reasons, mostly due to their life circumstances. Sometimes, they might not even know how they affect others, and that’s their road to walk.

 

For me, I need to walk a path of forgiveness and love.

 

One way I have found it easy to let go of the negative folks in my world, it is to do it with love. It may sound counter productive, but releasing them with love is a gift. I use meditation to say good bye, and it has worked wonders for me.

 

Sit comfortably. Breathe deeply. Visualize the person you want to release. Think/meditate on surrounding them in bright light.

 

Say: I bless you by wishing you health, happiness and prosperity now and always. I release you from my life with love and ask that you release me too. Thank you for all you have provided me and taught me. I release you with love in my heart.

 

Continue to visualize that person with light and love. In your minds eye, watch them walk away.

 

Even if these folks are people that you can’t physically rid from your life, after doing this you realize your relationship to them has experienced a paradigm shift. Its as if you don’t notice their negativity anymore. Its my opinion, when you “release” them, you are actually releasing yourself and realizing you don’t have to accept it.

 

Joyful, Joyful

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.


Ephesians 4:26-7



Several years ago, I made a commitment to live my life authentically and full of joy, peace and love. I was a new mother of a happy, healthy five year old, and I wanted him to know life in a home filled with happiness and love. For the most part, I was successful, but I have been feeling that this is all been slipping away from me over the last few years. The biggest obstacle to my joy, peace and sanity is letting other people dominate my thoughts. It gives the devil an opportunity in my life. By letting others influence me, its subscribing to someone else’s beliefs and values.

I believe in love.

I believe in peace.

I believe in joy.

For a few years now, I have been very angry. Its not one particular thing, its just there, like a wart or a blister. Its there, you pick at it once in a while, its ugly but its not going to kill you. Instead, it festers. If you have a blister that gets infected, you can get cellulitis which can become serious-and kill you. The same with uncontrolled anger. It can infect you and eventually you will rot from the inside out.

I could feel it festering, in my soul. I was turning bitter and angry. No amount of accolades or recognition could change it either, because I wasn’t ready to face it. There are a variety of reasons why the anger is there, ranging from daily annoyances to really big things, like the anger I felt over suffering through 2 surgeries and knowing that I will need yet another. I need to let go of it all.

Easier said than done.

I can’t go back and change what happened in the past. If I could, there would be a lot of things-especially in the past few years-that I would do over. Its disturbing to me, because I have always tried to live life without any regrets. You can’t change it-actions were taken, words were spoken-so why let it consume you? I lost my own perspective. There is a French phrase, l’esprit d’escalier, which roughly translates to the words you wish you could say. I have had a case of l’esprit d’escalier for too long! I keep rehashing conversations in my head, saying what I wish I had in this imaginary instance. This doesn’t serve any purpose, other than the fact that I was continuing to mad over something that wasn’t really benefiting anyone else, most notably myself.

The light bulb went off when I was grocery shopping yesterday. I don’t like food shopping to start with, I especially don’t like Wally World, and I was operating on literally NO SLEEP. To make matters worse, I am quite anal about how things go into my cart, on the conveyor belt, and subsequently into bags and my cart. I have my purchases arranged by panty shelf, refrigerater/freezer and other. I explained to the cashier that to not make the bags heavy because I wouldn’t be able to lift them, and that to please keep everything in order. I didn’t think I was asking for that much, and most cashiers think I am a bit crazy, and I try to be friendly about things.

The poor cashier I had yesterday deviated from my “rules” (think Big Bang Theory and Sheldon with who sits where on the couch-that is my bagging rubric). As a result, I lost it. She compounded it by putting all the can goods into one bag, which of course RIPPED as I put it into the cart. Just a teeny tiny rip that could have easily been double bagged and been done with it. I, instead, chose to be a witch about it and I probably drove this poor woman to either tears or worse yesterday. I wasn’t really angry at her-it was a variety of things. It was the lack of sleep, the fact that despite working all weekend blah blah blah I had to go grocery shopping before I even came home, the fact that I was in Wally World along with half of eastern South Dakota, western Minnesota, and northwestern Iowa it seemed, and the fact that grocery prices still are skyrocketing up, I had no clue what I was going to make for dinner, and the five gazillion other things on my brain-all of which played into my outburst. (none of these are valid excuses, by the way)

As I laid in bed, recounting my day, I replayed that encounter over and over again. I wanted so badly to go back in time and change it, but I can’t. Once something happens, it happens. It was the conscious choice of continuing to feel that anger, or to let it go that is mine to make. If I hold onto it, it makes me suffer.

No one else, just me.

I have to own it.

And let it go.

Careless Whispers

The events of the past year and a half have left their mark. I had major surgery in December 2010, which irrefutably removed any chance of ever having a biological child. I know I should just get over it, but there are emotions that I have submerged, and I need to have them work their way to the surface, like a splinter.
Yes, I'm angry. Still. There is a lot of it still there. Resentment that people who can't take care of their kids can have them, and I couldn't.
Resentment that I lived a good life and my prayers went unanswered month after month.
Anger that no matter what I did my body still rejected me.
Anger that I let careless remarks tear at my soul.
Anger that I have let myself feel like less of a woman because of it. I have built a wall around me, figuratively and literally.
There is resentment that I felt abandoned many times. I was on a very lonely journey, and few came along with me.
I am angry that I failed as a mother. I am angry that I was set up for failure, that I wasnt worth the truth. I am angry that I opened my heart, and in return had it ripped out of my chest and trampled. I'm angry that I diverted resources and love away from my beloved son.
I'm angry I invested my heart and soul into someone who didn't care. I'm angry I got played, by both teen and the adults who I thought had her-and my-best interests in mind. I'm angry that clearing a case file was more important than damaging a family.
There is so much that I turned inward because my support network was stretched to it's limits, and I'm paying the price now. I let it take root in my life.
This bitterness is starting to consume me, and I can't live with it. It needs to be released and I need to move on. I can't heal with this anger eating away like an ulcer. It's not fatal, but it seriously impacts my life. It hurts and it limits. Its time to heal.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

For a good chunk of my life, things came easily to me. I was, for a lack of a better term, a golden child. I was successful in school, popular, pretty, what ever. I had the Midas touch a lot of the time. As I have gotten older, that golden touch is as lusterous as it once was, but its still there somewhat. However, I am finding that I am less and less successful at getting what I want.

I used to be decisive, and now I find myself second guessing everything that I do, from nail polish colors to outfits to cleaning.
I would cook dinner and people would rave about it. Now I am lucky if I am the only one who likes what I made.
I am stuck.

I was visiting with an aquaintance of mine the other day after yoga class.

 She looked at me and said straight up, you need to get over that baby stuff.

Huh? Oh yeah, the bottled up emotion over infertility, which has been defining my life since we started trying for a family. My life was consumed with checking my temperature, making charts, taking medications to make me ovulate, taking medications to change my hormonal balance, etc. etc. etc. I have to admit that I never once gave up hope until I had my hysterectomy this past December.
She mentioned that the fact that I gained back all the weight I lost post op, and the fact that it has settled into my belly making me look pregnant.

I looked down and had to agree that I do look pregnant.

Irony.
She is a holistic healer and reiki expert.

 She and I talked over some coffee what I need to do to get over this and move on.

Become unstuck.

I have to make a list of all that I am frustrated with, from simple things like traffic to the really, really big things like infertility and the finality of surgery.

I also have to list my blessings daily, to remind myself of what is good in my life.

I need to find my center daily, and look for peace.

I also need to remind myself why I am eating and exercising.
I need to let go of my greatest sense of pain, either in reality or symbolically.

And never look back.
Honestly, I don't know if I am quite ready to do all of the above yet, but I am ready to start on that journey.
You can't always get what you want. Sometimes, you get what you need.