Mistletoes!

I used to get regular manicures and pedicures. I was really good at indulging myself, and then for a variety of reasons I stopped. I moved to South Dakota and left Salon FacciPart of it was the fact that I was married and a mom. My husband thought it was indulgent since, my nail polish collection would be larger than most salons. Part of it was the financial side-lets face it, they are expensive. Factor in the time commitment-they aren't a 5 minute deal.



On the other hand-or foot-I really do need to take better care of myself. The last two years have really taught me that I need to put on my oxygen mask first before I can take care of others. Like the old saying, if mommy isn't happy then NO body is happy!


I had the opportunity to indulge myself when my boys were in NJ a few weeks ago. I booked an appointment for a mani/pedi at Stewart School without much prodding. I looked at me being Home Alone as a chance to spend some quality me time.
I told the Big Man don't faint. I'm getting my groove back. You like that Alaska show and I like to look pretty.
I felt like a movie star when I left the salon with my fall colored nails and toes. My pedicure still looks brand new, even after two weeks. My nail polish has chipped off but the shape has maintained itself. Was it completely indulgent? Yes it was. Did I walk in there with clenched muscles and walk out relaxed? Yes, yes I did. Will I do it again? Most definitely! Mistletoes, indeed!

O Christmas Tree

We put up our Christmas tree yesterday. Traditionally, I do it on Black Friday, but for the past few years it hasn't worked out that way. Last year, it went up in mid November, due to my surgery. The year before, also due to surgery, the tree went up before Thanksgiving. This year, it was "late". But definitely well worth it. Our Krazy Kat could not wait to climb up it. Little Man was so excited to start decorating. This is the first year he's really able to truly help. Especially rescuing the cat. (Check the Facebook page for more pictures) We had one of my favorite Christmas albums, Mindy Gledhill's Winter Moon and drank hot cocoa and ate hot chocolate cookies. Hot cocoa cookies 1 1/2 c bisquick 1 c milk 2 bananas smashed 1/2 c baking cocoa 1/2 c applesauce 1/2 c brown sugar 1/2 c chocolate chips Preheat oven to 350. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Mix dry ingredients except chips. Add bananas, apple sauce and blend well. Mix in chips. Drop on cookie sheet and bake 8-10 minutes.

I Want to Dance With Somebody

Over the next month, as we gear up for our 5 year blog-versey, I'm going to share things that I am going to do to make my life better.
I've been a dancer my whole life. Before I was born, I was doing in utero high kicks that caused my mother to have a kidney infection. I did ballet, jazz and tap. I was on the dance squad in school. I continued to take dance classes up through my 30th birthday. I still be bop around the house, especially when I'm cleaning or have that rare moment alone.
I tried tribal dance last year and enjoyed it, but was sore for days afterwards.
I try to share that unmitigated joy with my son. We've done ceili dance and swing dance when he was younger. Now he's too cool for it, and I apparently embarrass him when I spontaneously boogie down.
Sometimes, you just want someone to twirl you around the kitchen as you do dishes. Sometimes you just want to dance with somebody.

Joyful, Joyful

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.


Ephesians 4:26-7



Several years ago, I made a commitment to live my life authentically and full of joy, peace and love. I was a new mother of a happy, healthy five year old, and I wanted him to know life in a home filled with happiness and love. For the most part, I was successful, but I have been feeling that this is all been slipping away from me over the last few years. The biggest obstacle to my joy, peace and sanity is letting other people dominate my thoughts. It gives the devil an opportunity in my life. By letting others influence me, its subscribing to someone else’s beliefs and values.

I believe in love.

I believe in peace.

I believe in joy.

For a few years now, I have been very angry. Its not one particular thing, its just there, like a wart or a blister. Its there, you pick at it once in a while, its ugly but its not going to kill you. Instead, it festers. If you have a blister that gets infected, you can get cellulitis which can become serious-and kill you. The same with uncontrolled anger. It can infect you and eventually you will rot from the inside out.

I could feel it festering, in my soul. I was turning bitter and angry. No amount of accolades or recognition could change it either, because I wasn’t ready to face it. There are a variety of reasons why the anger is there, ranging from daily annoyances to really big things, like the anger I felt over suffering through 2 surgeries and knowing that I will need yet another. I need to let go of it all.

Easier said than done.

I can’t go back and change what happened in the past. If I could, there would be a lot of things-especially in the past few years-that I would do over. Its disturbing to me, because I have always tried to live life without any regrets. You can’t change it-actions were taken, words were spoken-so why let it consume you? I lost my own perspective. There is a French phrase, l’esprit d’escalier, which roughly translates to the words you wish you could say. I have had a case of l’esprit d’escalier for too long! I keep rehashing conversations in my head, saying what I wish I had in this imaginary instance. This doesn’t serve any purpose, other than the fact that I was continuing to mad over something that wasn’t really benefiting anyone else, most notably myself.

The light bulb went off when I was grocery shopping yesterday. I don’t like food shopping to start with, I especially don’t like Wally World, and I was operating on literally NO SLEEP. To make matters worse, I am quite anal about how things go into my cart, on the conveyor belt, and subsequently into bags and my cart. I have my purchases arranged by panty shelf, refrigerater/freezer and other. I explained to the cashier that to not make the bags heavy because I wouldn’t be able to lift them, and that to please keep everything in order. I didn’t think I was asking for that much, and most cashiers think I am a bit crazy, and I try to be friendly about things.

The poor cashier I had yesterday deviated from my “rules” (think Big Bang Theory and Sheldon with who sits where on the couch-that is my bagging rubric). As a result, I lost it. She compounded it by putting all the can goods into one bag, which of course RIPPED as I put it into the cart. Just a teeny tiny rip that could have easily been double bagged and been done with it. I, instead, chose to be a witch about it and I probably drove this poor woman to either tears or worse yesterday. I wasn’t really angry at her-it was a variety of things. It was the lack of sleep, the fact that despite working all weekend blah blah blah I had to go grocery shopping before I even came home, the fact that I was in Wally World along with half of eastern South Dakota, western Minnesota, and northwestern Iowa it seemed, and the fact that grocery prices still are skyrocketing up, I had no clue what I was going to make for dinner, and the five gazillion other things on my brain-all of which played into my outburst. (none of these are valid excuses, by the way)

As I laid in bed, recounting my day, I replayed that encounter over and over again. I wanted so badly to go back in time and change it, but I can’t. Once something happens, it happens. It was the conscious choice of continuing to feel that anger, or to let it go that is mine to make. If I hold onto it, it makes me suffer.

No one else, just me.

I have to own it.

And let it go.

all she wants is...

Its been a really rough week in my world. I've been crazy busy, which has led me to not take care of myself. Add to it a healthy dose of mommy guilt, and I've set myself up for failure.
This is a week that I've felt like I could do nothing right by some folks. I know that this isn't entirely true, and that in most cases it is the other person and not me that is dealing with issues. It's very exhausting to plead my case on an ongoing basis.
So it is Friday night. On some calendars it is the Sabbath, and a new week will be dawning.
It can only get better.
Wallowing in my self pity tonight has actually been motivating. It's allowed me perspective. During yoga tonight, I settled into a modified camel pose while I was warming up. It was as I was leaning back, I realized how tight my upper back and chest were. It was difficult to arch my back and settle in, that there is a blockage.
As a result, I struggle with physical flexibility. Settling into camel, I had a plethora of emotions, and I felt myself wanting to cry. It's the same as getting a massage, and a knot gets worked out and there is an emotional release that parallels the physical. I tend to internalize my feelings.
This process then disrupts other aspects of my life. My spiritual life suffers. My meditation practice falters. I lose focus. I'm distracted, best evidenced by burning myself with the flat iron.
And it takes it's toll overall. I throw myself together, and that's about it. If I have a date with destiny, it wouldn't recognize me.
The most maddening thing is I wake up with plenty of time to work out, shower dress & even do my hair/make up plus do daily cleaning yet I'm struggling to get a portion of that done. I'm just not feeling it, it seems. My workouts have been without passion. I feel defeated, and scattered, which is causing me to not get it in gear.
It seems I can't make others happy, and then I realized that it's not my job. It's up to them to make themselves happy. All I can do is just keep on filling my life with joy and happiness. I can not "make" someone else feel joy, the same way I can't make a fish walk. I can inspire people to be joy filled, but that's about it. They need to make themselves happy, just as I can't expect someone to do that for me.
Insights abounding tonight.
Tomorrow is another day, and a fresh, clean start.

Sweetest Thing

I've had so many blessings in my life lately and for that I'm incredibly grateful. The goodness is continuing with a new project coming out this Tuesday.
My new book, Bliss, will be available for digital download on the Nook (www.bn.com) for $6.99. It's a guidebook to following your bliss, which if you are a regular visitor to Mommydom, you know is my mission.

One

There is a twitter/blogging movement, asking for what one word you want 2012 to represent to you. Regular readers will be familiar to my journey to finding it in everyday life, and how important it is to me.
My word is
BLISS

Lose Yourself

I will be the first to admit that I don’t usually listen to rap. In fact, I find Eminem’s music misogynistic and inciting violence against women. However, while I was driving to work this morning and trying to find something to listen to on the radio, the song came on. And I listened to the lyrics for the first time. It fits in perfectly with my whole follow your bliss thing.



Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment

Would you capture it or just let it slip?



I think I would seize the moment, the day and do everything I could to make my dreams come true. Oh wait, I already did that.

I am the mother to an amazing kiddo. He fills my heart and soul with delight, even when he’s naughty.

I live in my dream house.

I have a job I love, and another job that was the ministry I was born to do.

I had a book published

I am adding on my own business into the mix for 2012.

I will be teaching cooking classes at both the Museum of Visual Materials and the Community School.

I have basically achieved all the goals I have set for myself for my 40’s, and I am only 41.



The only one that is left is to look my best. For years, I have dieted and exercised my way thin and then regained all that I had lost so many times over. I thought that it meant that I had to be thin and sexy and all that. I thought it meant that I had to be model thin, to dress a certain way and look a certain way.

Then I had a photo shoot. If you don’t think an afternoon can change your life, it can.

The last time I felt so beautiful was on my wedding day, and it was more the glow of love than anything else. I wasn’t a size 2 (more like add a zero to it) but I wore the most gorgeous gown and veil, and loved my bouquet. It was the happiest day of my life before I became a mom (now that’s number one).

For my photo shoot for SHE magazine, the photographer, Erin told me I was really naturally beautiful. That made me more excited that than fact I was named woman of the year.



You better lose yourself in the music, the moment,

You own it, you better never let it go,

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow,

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo!





Despite all the accolades and wonderful things happening in my world, for a very long time, I have given a lot mental space to those who really don’t matter in my life. These are the folks that like to limit me and tell me who I am not and what I am not. I have let people who really don’t matter to me in my daily life have control over me. I can’t make you like me, or adore me or be my biggest fan. I can’t convince you that I am a great mom or cook or whatever. I have wasted so much time and energy in trying to make people happy that I forgot about making myself happy. It’s the fact that I have eaten to stuff the feelings of not being “good enough” because I wasn’t pretty in some people’s eyes, or this or that. I ate because I was mad at giving my power away and the only way I could process that anger was by stuffing it. I stuffed my anger by stuffing myself. I stuff myself because I wasn’t who I thought I should be rather than celebrating who I am.



So here I go it's my shot,

Feet fail me not cause maybe the only opportunity that I got!



Who I am got me woman of the year, not by trying to be someone else. Who I am has garnered me professional success. Who I am has given me the gift of wonderful friends who love and support me. Who I am has allowed me to share my talents with the world. Who I am is a wonderful, smart, gifted, funny woman. I may not be thin, or beautiful in a conventional, model sense, but I am beautiful on the inside, and that counts for more than anything else.



You can do anything you set your mind to, man

Tonight I'm going to Rock you tonight

One of my all time favorite movies is Spinal Tap. I have seen it quite literally 100 times.

http://m.imdb.com/title/tt0088258
Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you make ten a little louder, make that the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [pauses] These go to eleven.

Well, my stress level is currently at an 11. I honestly am not sure how much more I can take before I self combust like the unfortunate Peter James Bond playing the Jazz Blues festival on the Isle of Lucy.
Spontaneous Combustion: A phenomenon which causes people to catch fire without apparent cause, burning them to ashes but leaving surrounding objects unscathed. According to David, it affects a dozen people a year but is not widely reported. Peter "James" Bond, an early Tap drummer, was the first rock musician to ever spontaneously combust. He left behind a green globule on his drum seat and a scarred set of drumsticks that were retrieved as mementos by manager Ian Faith. The same fate befell Mick Shrimpton.

I digress....
Currently I am attempting, quite poorly as it were, to hold it together. Ive had bizarre things befall (& befuddle) me in the last several months, and quite frankly, I am tired.
I am tired of expending a ton of energy on things that don't really matter. Since I'm doing all that, it leaves me very little time to do what truly matters.

Janitor (Wonderful Smith): "Go straight ahead."
David: "Yeah."
Janitor: "Turn right, the next two corners. And the first door you sign, says authorized personnel only..."
David: "Yeah."
Janitor: "Open that door. That's the stage."
David: "You think so?"
Janitor: "You're authorized, you're musicians, arn't you?"
David: "Yeah. Alright, thank you. Thank you very much. Rock 'N' Roll! Rock 'N' Roll!"
???: "Let's get it. Let's get it."
Nigel: "This way?"
David: "No, this way. This way."
Derek: "Straight through."
David: "Rock 'N' Roll!"
Derek: "Hello Cleveland! Hello Cleveland!"
David: "Uh?"
Janitor: "You must have made a wrong turn."

The way things are in my life right now, I totally relate to that scene. I've been given directions, told what to do...and I'm still wandering around, totally lost. I know what needs to be done daily: eat healthier foods. Drink water, not soda. Get enough rest. Practice self care. Exercise. Pamper myself. I have that road map-those specific directions to follow my bliss. It's a conscious choice whether or not I will.


Derek: "We're lucky."
David: "Yeah."
Derek: "I mean, people should be envying us. You know?"
David: "I envy us."
Derek: "Yeah."
David: "I do."
Derek: "Me too."

My grandmother used to joke around with me and call me the golden child. Even today, I've got a lot going on for me...at the risk of sounding like I'm bragging or what not. I live in a beautiful home. I'm married to my dream guy. I've got this son who had defied all the experts, two awesome pets. I look good. I'm talented. I'm a pretty decent person.
I'm blessed.
And that tends to annoy people. There are those out there that find people like me annoying and almost threatening. These folks are determined to steal people like me's joy. They want us to be as miserable as they are.
Quite simply, it's a matter of envy. We all can have bliss, but you need to choose it. For whatever reason, these negative nellies have made the choice to throw their own pity party & make others pay for their misery.


Marty: "If I were to ask you what your philosophy of life or your creed, what would that be?"
Viv: "Have a good time all the time. That's my philosophy, Marty."

I think that sums up my follow your bliss mindset. Let life bring you joy. If it feels like a chore or doesn't make you happy, chances are there's a problem.

Rock on, spinal tap. Rock on.

Fine again

Watch "Liz Phair - Fine Again - 2005" on YouTube
It's been a week. I admit it. I've been a total slacker. And boy, have I been bad.
And it continues this morning with my cherry poptarts.
I have been eating a lot. And stuff that's not good for me either. It's been fast food. Candy. Poptarts. Soda.
Bad bad bad.
Couple that with not working out....
It's a perfect storm of badness.
What went wrong?
Honestly, I reach a certain point with being healthy & it all falls apart. I start picking at things & people. There's a real layer of discomfort in my life.
It all goes back to feeling I don't deserve my happily ever after.
I have it all: good health, I'm not bad looking, great husband, great kid, nice home, good job, I've got it all.
Yet I don't feel I deserve it.
Bottom line.
It's like I have happiness & then I look for something muck it up. It's been my modus operandi for years, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it all.
I plan but never execute.
In order to follow my bliss, I need to make a radical change in order to be fine again.