Happy?

As part of life coaching, one of my first assignments was to write a list of things that make me happy. On there, I had many of my hobbies listed-everything from crocheting to quilting to needlepoint to scrapbooking and beading. My coach, Lacey, asked me how often do I do these things. I was almost embarrassed to admit I really hadn’t pursued any of my hobbies recently, because I wasn’t very good at any of them.

 

That’s no excuse, she told me.

 

Yes, it is. I explained, I wasn’t very successful at any of them, so why should I really do them. We got into a discussion of perfectionism being at the root of me not following my happy list. I enjoyed the process of creating, even if I wasn’t very good at it. In fact, I enjoyed the process so much, I would wind up in that flow zone, where I was so entranced by what I was doing, I had no idea how much time had elapsed or what was going on in the world. It was always a magical moment. After I became a mother, however, I stopped creating as much. I think part of me was afraid that if my son saw how untalented I truly was, he would be embarrassed.

 

I let my perfectionism take hold of my creativity and joy.

 

Fast forward several years. In a coaching session, we came back to the notion of doing things I enjoy. I mentioned that I really don’t craft anymore because I wasn’t really into it, and well I’m a mom and really busy and have stuff to do that is worthwhile.

 

No excuse, she told me, again.

 

My assignment was to just go make something. It didn’t matter what it was, it was to just go make whatever. I wasn’t to think about it and just do it. After stressing out over what I was going to make, I decided on making a beaded prayer chain, similar in concept to a rosary. I went to Hobby Lobby, picked out beads and set about making it. I found myself in the flow, and really enjoyed it. I made what I think is a lovely piece. I didn’t over think it, and it was fun.

 

I am now striving to do this at least once a week, where I don’t care about the outcome or the quality. Its strictly for my own edification and enjoyment. Its for me to have some mental downtime, and to put all that excess, creative energy to work.

 

Shouldn't Be Ashamed

 

As I work on dealing with emotional eating and regaining my health, I have had to explore a lot of painful emotions and incidents, that paraphrasing Lennon/McCartney, led me to my door. Its been very difficult to face a lot of these feelings, at some points I’ve spent a lot of time crying as I release these feelings to the universe. I don’t need to hold onto them anymore-they don’t serve a purpose in my life and all they are doing is literally weighing me down.

 

Shame is one emotion that has been part of my burden. I won’t go into the details of what led it to be an overriding emotion in my life, but the constant awareness of my “defects” has caused a lot of hurt and pain and has kept me from living my best life. For most of my adult life I have struggled with feeling “not good enough”, which is blatantly not true. It wasn’t one situation or experience that led me to the stinking thinking, but an accumulation of them. Over the last few months, I’ve been working through some of these lies I have told myself:

 

I’m not good enough

I can’t do anything right

I am such a fake

I can’t do anything right

 

My inner voice was such a mean girl, and I unfortunately believed her. I became an overachiever, trying to prove to myself (and others) that I was not flawed and that they were wrong about me. I spent so much of my life in pursuit of perfection that I missed out on a lot. To a certain extent, it has also damaged some relationships, as well as kept me in ones that should have been cut loose long ago. In terms of my health, it would be the reason why I would spiral downward and give up if I had a slip up. The chorus reminded me that I would never get healthy and do anything right. Its not true, but that’s how I internalized it.

 

There’s a similar thought process with home-keeping. I can’t do things perfectly, so why would I do them at all was very persuasive. I have hopped on and off the Fly Wagon so many times, but I always go back because deep inside, I know it works. Its letting go of my inner bully and be like Nike and just do it.

 

Letting go of the shame I’ve dealt with didn’t happen over night, and is an ongoing process. I still deal with negative thoughts on a regular basis, and sometimes find myself getting caught in a whirlwind of them. That’s when I need to stop and breathe, and take a step back. I need to reason with that mean girl and put her in her place.

Put Me in Coach

I have had the great fortune of working with a health coach for the last almost 6 years. My monthly phone calls are one reason why I am on this path to wellness and spiritual growth. It began as I made the transition from stay at home mom to working full time again, and I was really struggling with juggling. Over time, the relationship I developed with my coach Lacey had made such a positive impact on my life. Thanks to her, I’ve been able to make some positive changes that make me a better wife, mom, employee, boss, daughter, friend, family member and part of the community. I’m not saying that she has worked miracles, but working with a coach has been helpful in setting goals and achieving them.

 

When we visit on the phone, there is a recap of what has happened in the past month, and reactions to it. There is discussion on what’s been working and what hasn’t, and a chance to set new goals. It is a really simple formula, but in its simplicity is its beauty. Coaching works because of the relationship that gets developed with your coach. They are an outside, objective sounding board, who can give impartial advice and guidance.

 

My primary focus has been regaining my health. Throughout my twenties, I was really into maintaining a healthy lifestyle, but as I got older and priorities shifted and had a few gynecological issues, it got pushed to the backburner. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be healthy, I just didn’t put it at the top of my list. I had to resolve some other issues medically before I could get back in this groove. Coaching has provided a support system and framework to do that.

 

I am now ready to work on some specific areas to live my best life. I have a very real issue with my head knowing what I need to do, but keeping at it has been a struggle for me. Learning (partially through coaching) why I do these self-sabotaging behaviors means I can recognize when the crazy making destined to fail spiral starts. That is huge, especially since I am in the process of making this huge lifestyle shift.

I’ve also been able to identify my primary foods-what feeds me mind, body and soul. Its what I need to “eat” daily in order to be my healthiest. My primary food list includes one on one time with my husband and son. Its practicing my yoga and meditating that is a primary food group. It is running, lifting weights and dance that is another food group. It is how all these food groups work together to give my life balance and complete nutrition.

 

Setting goals and creating action plans is a part of the coaching process. Over time, I have learned that smaller goals are easier to manage, and measure. I like setting quarterly goals, with a monthly action plan. For example, for a goal I want to exercise three times a week. For my monthly action plan, I would break that goal into 30 day increments. For me, it’s a lot less overwhelming to look at something for 30 days than 90.

 

Working with a health coach has made a big difference in my life. I have learned so much about who I am, and how I can change my life one conversation at a time.

 

Emotional Rescue

I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I was a chubby kid, who became a fat teen, and have fluctuated throughout my adulthood. I have been very, very thin and am currently now at my heaviest ever. I have been stuck in the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and its not a good place to be. I know that I am an emotional eater. I have known this for years, yet I seem powerless to change it. I drown my sorrows in Ben & Jerry’s. When I am happy, I love high carb foods like pasta. When I am stressed, I crave salt and sugar (usually at the same time!). Due to this, I was excited to be part of the launch for Dr. Melissa McCreery's new book, The Emotional Eating Rescue Plan for Smart, Busy Women.

 

The book is designed as a month of a rescue and recovery plan, so I worked through it over this past month.

 

Like an onion, there are so many layers to why I emotionally eat. She focuses on different types of hunger-and how to feed them. The book starts off discussing curiosity. I wasn’t sure where this was leading, but I was CURIOUS. She tied in something that I am currently working on-mindfulness. I tend to go through life on autopilot, living life with the attitude if its Monday, its meatloaf and book group. Many of her mindful tips are the same that I have as my list-yoga, dancing, holding a purring cat (although doing windows are not on my list). I already journal, and that has been a habit for about 35 years, so daily writing was already a part of my routine. The hardest part for me was the ME Log. I struggle with food journals. Its caused me to give up on weight watchers and other programs because I just can’t do them. This one is a bit different, because it also includes what you’re doing as you eat and how you feel both before and after you ate. On top of it, there is a space for your hunger level and (this is key) what you are actually hungry for. That was really eye opening for me. Most of the time I did mindless eating, I wasn’t physically hungry, but there was an underlying need that wasn’t being met. After that first week, there were a lot of tears and anger, because I was bringing up a lot of unmet needs to the surface. I think I spent a lot of time in the fetal position because there were many unpleasant emotions. I should add that I am a stuffer. I have a hard time expressing what I really, really want (I would never make a good Spice Girl).

 

Week two didn’t start off any easier. It was time to analyze my log from the previous week. This is eye opening, because I was able to pick out a few patterns. I tended to snack heavily at certain times a day. I used to smoke years ago, and these were the times that I would go and have a cigarette. The automatic response and craving was still there, despite so much time having passed, and that craving turned into food. Thinking about how hungry I truly was also quite revealing. Most of the time I thought I was “hungry”, I wasn’t truly physically hungry. The other thing I didn’t do was SAVOR. I love to cook and combine flavors, but if you asked me to discern what was in each meal I ate, I probably couldn’t tell you. Add to it being part of the clean plate club, I don’t get as much enjoyment from eating as I could or should. Learning to manage that hunger was very important. This is where self care comes in. I love making these lists-it’s the follow through that I struggle with. However, as part of the program, I need to make self care a priority, because that meets the needs I was substituting food for.

 

By the third week, I was feeling more in control over my eating, but I still struggled. The emotions dredged up the first two weeks were quite raw, and I needed to address those first, before I could continue. I took a week off from following the program to get those sorted out and processed. I did continue journaling and taking my mindful time, but did not use the ME log that week. It was very difficult, but I was able to sort through things and get back on track. It was great preparation for the next task-which is finding a support network. For a very long time, I thought I was going it alone, but if the past few years have shown me, I have an amazing cheerleading section that I can always depend upon. The crux of this week is determining your support system, and learning to ask for help if you need it.

 

Setting my GPS was another emotional blow out. It was difficult to confront all the busyness that I have allowed to creep into my life, and take charge of things. As much as I would like to think I live with intention, that is not always the case. Week four also addressed one of my biggest issues-the slump. My weight loss life can be described as many slumps strung together, with the usual pattern. Despite my enthusiasm, I never can seem to break out of them-usually because I am so caught up in the immediacy of the situation. There are some great ideas for breaking out of one, and believe it or not-they work! I can’t see the forest for the trees, or so the adage goes.

 

I can’t say that I’ve lost a lot of pounds on this program, but I have lost a lot of weight. I highly recommend this for other women (and men, although the program is geared towards females). It can bring up unpleasant feelings, but you need to address those if you want to get over the emotional eating that is eating at you.

Wasted on the way

I've spent a chunk of my life not being satisfied with who I am. It's this constant irritation, like an itchy sweater or a tag in the back of your shirt. It's like I've been telling God that He made a mistake with his creation for a very long time.
A lot of it goes back to childhood, when others were displeased with me. I think just my curiosity and inquisitive nature probably drove my family crazy, which was behind their reasoning to tell me that they wished I was like so and so. The problem was, I was pretty darn happy being me, and I knew being like this other person wasn't being my best.
Believe me, I've tried.
Dressing a certain way to fit in with a clique.
Listening to bands because this group liked them.
And the list goes on.
During all that, I wasn't happy. I guess it all boils down to what matters most: making someone else happy or to thine own self be true.
It's only recently on my journey that I have decided on the latter. I was made to be me, not anyone else. I would do a lousy job at being Suzy or Melissa or anyone else, as they would make a horrible me. I have been granted a very specific set of gifts,  and that's what makes me, well me.
Someone with a greater plan made me who I am, the way I am for a reason. To live my life trying to be somebody else is discounting that plan and not being the best me. It's meddling through my life and times not seeing all the beauty around me, beauty that's wasted on the way.

Fine again

Watch "Liz Phair - Fine Again - 2005" on YouTube
It's been a week. I admit it. I've been a total slacker. And boy, have I been bad.
And it continues this morning with my cherry poptarts.
I have been eating a lot. And stuff that's not good for me either. It's been fast food. Candy. Poptarts. Soda.
Bad bad bad.
Couple that with not working out....
It's a perfect storm of badness.
What went wrong?
Honestly, I reach a certain point with being healthy & it all falls apart. I start picking at things & people. There's a real layer of discomfort in my life.
It all goes back to feeling I don't deserve my happily ever after.
I have it all: good health, I'm not bad looking, great husband, great kid, nice home, good job, I've got it all.
Yet I don't feel I deserve it.
Bottom line.
It's like I have happiness & then I look for something muck it up. It's been my modus operandi for years, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it all.
I plan but never execute.
In order to follow my bliss, I need to make a radical change in order to be fine again.