New Moon on Monday

One of my goals for this year was to find peace.

It's my one little word for 2014.  

I won't lie, almost 4 months in, it has been a struggle. I'm finding new ways to redefine what peace means to me, and some of the results have been surprising. I used to think that peace meant the absence of something. Instead, it's also the presence of things too.

I love the sound of my son's laughter, and hearing it stills my soul.

My cat purring quiets my mind.

Snuggling with my dog gives me a sense of well being.

Yoga settles me.

A good meal, with mindful preparation and consumption, can end conflict.

Just being. 

Ritual has also been a big part of my journey toward peace. 

It's a new moon tonight, and traditionally, it's a time to start something new. To be open to new possibilities. To manifest. 

I have been part of an Intenders Circle off & on for a while. One of the basic precepts is about manifesting, and I believe that it has great power in our lives. If you pray for something to happen and it does, you just manifested. You can do that by writing a list and reviewing it regularly.

You can also do it by using a blank check from the universe. Don't worry about how outrageous it might be, put it out there. If you believe it, it will happen. Trust that the universe will provide.

 The new moon is a great time to make a list of things you want to achieve in the next month. I use this time to set my goals. On the list for April, I've included:

Go to the gym 4 times a week

Get back on the Fly wagon with FlyLady

Drink half my body weight in water daily

Make healthier food choices

I also do some cleansing. I smudge my house at the new moon. It helps clear stagnant energies. The bonus is it smells great. 

I also cleanse myself. I take a detox bath, soaking in the tub and relaxing. 

Detox bath salts

1/2 c Epsom salts

2 tbsp raw apple cider vinegar

8-10 drops frankincense essential oil

Add to a hot bath, soak for at least 20 minutes

Most pictures come from Pinterest, other than the obvious ones of us

through the past, darkly

Every so often, I have one of those fitful nights when I really, honestly can’t sleep. I think about things-nothing major-and hope for the best to fall back asleep. Tax time brought back a lot of painful memories of how the past year transpired and played out. I didn’t think that it would impact me as much as it did. Instead of claiming two children, it was one. Instead of claiming adoption expenses, it was a failure.


The remaining pieces of my heart went into tiny mosaics.

I laid awake in bed the last few nights, having the past year play out in my mind. The emotional roller coaster that I was on, the turmoil and tumult my family went through. . It was prolonged grief, and since November I have started to slowly claw my way out of the pit. I am starting to see the morning light and letting the darkness fade. This past year has seen my faith and relationships tested beyond compare. The saying that you don’t know who has your back until you’re in need is very true. People who I thought I could count on turned out to not be true blue, other people completely surprised me and stepped up to the proverbial plate.

My faith kept getting tested over the course of the past year, and to perfectly honest, inwardly I turned my back on G-d. Outwardly I continued to worship and praise, and pray and study but on the inside I was as dry as the Sahara. My faith wasn’t even as small as a mustard seed, it was microscopic. I felt abandoned. I cried out to Him, why did you put me through all this? Haven’t I had enough? You continue to make me suffer. I have lived a good life yet You punish me.

I was angry at Him, despite my dependence on Him. I was mad that my whole family had to suffer, that I was blind to warning signs and had selected vision. I was angry that my dreams were shattered like glass breaking into shards. I was angry that my son was affected on so many levels. There was such angry and vitriol in my home for months on end. I had given the devil a foothold into my life, and he was ready to settle in for the long haul.

There is real evil in the world. I’ve seen it, experienced it and lived it. It’s not evil on the same level as genocide or a serial killer. It’s an every day evil that is so insidious you don’t even notice it until its too late. It starts with a few small failings here and there. You just don’t do something that you always do. Nothing big, nothing major. For example, you always mop the kitchen floor at night, one day you just decide you won’t do it. It spirals down into a habit of not doing it. Then you decide you’re just too tired to pray at night, so you skip it. The next day, when you realize you haven’t been reduced to a pile of ashes, you skip it again. And again. And so on. Until the habit you had has been broken and a new, bad for you one has formed. This level of evil would rumple and crumple me, unless I turned my back and excised it. I can’t even begin to list the bad for me habits this everyday evil created in my life-and as a consequence, my family’s lives. But with surgical precision, I have removed the cancerous growth. Now I am in follow up treatment, with daily prayer and conversation. I am returning to pursuits that I laid aside last spring. I am enjoying my kitchen with a ferocity that has been unmatched in years. I am even getting truly serious about getting healthy again. My sewing machine is no longer idle. The cardstock is being dusted off. I am becoming whole again. Laughter is again ringing out in my home.

The darkness before dawn yields the most magnificent sunrises.

Jesus, Messiah

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6 ESV) The words from Isaiah are a great comfort this holiday season. Instead of a season filled with peace and joy, it has been filled with vitriol, anger and unspeakable tragedy. From doomsday having been predicted to the horror of Newton, we need the comforting promise that we too will be delivered. I know I have been shaken to my core since Sandy devastated the Jersey shore. It's hard to fathom a loving God would allow these horrible events to occur. However my faith allows for God to work in mysterious ways to counteract evil. Jesus was born into humanity. He breathed, ate, interacted. Even though Scripture is silent on many details of His life, I'm sure He had some of the same experiences we all have. We have read that He wept and grieved. I'm sure He laughed, too. This season we celebrate Jesus' birth. Handel's Messiahlibretto is based on Isaiah, and his prophecy of Jesus. Thousands of years ago a Messiah was foretold, and we were promised great miracles. Some have come to fruition, others we are waiting for to occur. There is the question of timing. We want it NOW not when God wants it. Miracles happen everyday, even in the wake of tragedy. All of this hope began with a baby born in Bethlehem. Let heaven and nature sing.

It's My Life

I wear a lot of hats, sometimes not always literally.
I am a mom.
I am a wife.
I work full time and part time
I teach cooking classes
I teach yoga to both adults and children.
I volunteer with a variety of organizations that clothe the naked, feed the hunger and visit the sick and imprisoned.
I am active in PTO (again).
I am a crazy sports nut, fawning over my beloved Mets (baseball), Jets (football), Rangers (hockey), and Jazz (basketball).
I am a girly girl, loving spa time
I am a bibliophile
I have a passion for fashion (just look at my Pinterest board!)
I am a writer
I am a gardner
I am a domestic goddess
I am a crafter
I am a daughter, sister, family member, friend

In other words, I juggle a lot of things. I have lots of balls up in the air at all times. There are times when things fall apart and it takes super glue to hold it together. Other times, its shattered beyond belief. And when it's great, it's perfect. I navigate through both rough and calm waters.
It's my life, as crazy as it is, and I love every minute of it

So What

One of my favorite quotes comes from Eleanor Roosevelt: no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Hmmm...that means I need to reinsert my spinal column and take both responsibility and control over my life.
I've been told that I'm extremely empathetic. Add that to my personality where I want to make the world a better place, and it's setting me up for some big challenges.
Jesus said, blessed are the peacemakers...and I like to keep the peace. I don't like conflict and I will go to the ends of the earth for peace and harmony.
I have to realize that not everyone else feels the same way I do. There are some people who like to cause strife and trouble, and truly can't be happy for others. Proverbs 10:12 has been a guiding principal for me in dealing with others:
Hatred stirs up strife, love covers all offenses
To paraphrase Mother Teresa, do all things with love. I read about Brother Lawrence years ago and that stayed with me. He peeled potatoes for the glory of G-d. Even did dishes for His honor. There's a lot to be said for going about your day like that.
Whenever I make a phone call or send an email, I try to say a quick prayer for the person on the other end. There are some people that are harder than others to pray for, but I guess that's why I've chosen this as my discipline.
Like a moth to a flame, I tend to attract people who are negative by nature. I don't intend to do that, it just happens. What's been the most maddening for me is knowing that no matter what I do, it's probably not enough for them, and that they will find fault in all. Not that I'm bragging, but I'm a good person with many talents and I think that there are folks who can't stand for anyone other than them to have success. It's sad that we can't all celebrate happiness together, but for some it's just not happening.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and let people look on the bright side of life. I wish they could just see the good in others. One of my favorite Scripture passages sums it up perfectly:
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:3-5

It's this whole attitude of finding fault in others while ignoring your own faults. Bullying is a prevalent topic lately, and rightfully so. The unfortunate part is that bullies grow up. If they were unchecked as kids, they think that behavior is ok.


This is nothing new-Jesus spoke about it 2000 years ago. It's time we listened.

More to Life

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.




I was privileged to spend a weekend with teens from across southeastern South Dakota for the annual youth convention. In addition to spirituality, there were mini discussions on life. Its been twenty years since I became a full fledged adult and left the confines of academia. Over that time, I have had a variety of careers, addresses, relationships both platonic and romantic, had both dreams come true and be dashed to bits. In other words, I have lived a wondrous life, and that’s something I plan on doing for many years to come.



On the inside, I am still a caring, compassionate person who tries to find the good in others. I love whole heartedly and at 150%. Its not something that I take lightly, nor should anyone. I think because my life has been tempered with both bitter and sweet, I am more aware of the beautiful moments and treasure them. I don’t like them to end, and sometimes I hold on too long to them. There are times when they need to be set free, to share joy and peace throughout the universe, not just in my life. I am fiercely protective of who and what I love the most in my life. That’s just what makes me who I am, both good and bad. The people I have known and the places I have lived and things I have done have made me, well, me.



I am still the same person I was in college: desperately wanting to love and be loved-an incurable romantic. I still listen to a lot of the same music, still laugh myself silly at the same movies and love the same poetry and books. Many of the hobbies that I had in college have continued-hiking, mountain biking, scrap booking and photography, art, crocheting, cooking/baking. My faith has remained on a trajectory that started back then, and while I no longer am pursuing an ordination track, I am still serving in ministry. Family is still of paramount importance. I still want to be that wife that other husbands wish they came home to, with the apron on, a hot meal on the stove and a clean house. I want to be the neighborhood mom still, the house where everyone wants to come play and hang out. I long for romantic walks, dancing in the rain and laughter. I want a candlelight picnic in the backyard and have parties for no reason. I want my dreams, hopes, and desires to matter and for me to be heard. I want to still be pretty in the eyes of who matter, no matter what I really look like. I want to be loved unconditionally.

As you grow up, there are so many twists and turns that you encounter on the path of life. Having a consistent set of values and using faith as a framework allows you to continue on your journey, and not stray too far off the path. Are there mistakes I’ve made? Sure-because I am human. I am falliable (only G-d is perfect and infalliable). Do I regret anything? No, because everything-both good and bad-has made me who I am today.

Control

Isaiah 41:13
New International Version (NIV)

13 For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

To live is to grow, and in order to grow-you need to change. Change is fear inducing. I am still the kind, caring person I was 20 years ago but I've refined the rough edges. I have grown up a lot in those years. I've been able to make my dreams come true on many levels. During that time, there has been a lot of fear and even more tears.
I am definitely not as much of a type a personality than I used to be. It is a source of frustration because deep down inside, that part of me hasn't changed. What has changed is that I surrendered the surface of my day to day operations. I am no longer that dynamo who thrived off order and detail and planning.

You just have to look at my house to see it.
My grout is dirty.
I don't iron very often.
I don't enjoy baking anymore.
Things go undone.

You just have to look at me to see that things have changed.
I'm overweight.
I cheat on my diet hourly.
My exercise board on Pinterest gets more of a workout than I do.

One of the biggest sources of frustration for me is I make plans, plans fall through daily, hourly, minute by minute. My son likes the planning, because that goes hand in hand with autism. He likes my charts and lists. I'm working on time management skills with him, and he's getting better. However, it's sputtering progress-two steps forward, a few backward steps.

The worst part are the nay sayers in my life, who seem to drown out my cheerleaders. I know what I need to do to be successful, but I don't do it. In fact, that emotional paralysis has taken hold. I let this chorus of negativity topple my self confidence and stop my forward progress. Some of these people would prefer for me to fall flat on my face for their own selfish reasons.

The bottom line is I either man up and take back the control over my life, or forever hold my peace. There are some that will not appreciate the reinsertion of my spinal column, but it's necessary surgery. I have to go back to being who I am, and not worry about it affecting anyone else. The joy steamers have their own agenda-whether it's an attempt to make themselves feel better, or they just are plain out mean. For some people, there's a lot at stake if I don't take control again. I'm not here to build up your self esteem by tearing me down.

Change is scary, there is no doubt about it. You are stepping out in darkness, not sure where your foot will fall. Taking that first step is easier when Someone is holding your hand.

Mercy

Over the last few years, I have gone from primarily a stay at home wife and then mother, to working full time, to working full time plus a part time plus job to both of those and teaching yoga and cooking classes as well as all the volunteer work I always did. Add to it dealing with health issues, recovering from not just one but two abdominal surgeries, and post hysterectomy hormonal problems, I am not healed physically yet. Emotionally, I am still wrapping my head around a failed adoption attempt that no matter how brutal life with her was, it was still my heart being ripped out of my chest. I still have a house to maintain, a child to raise and the other day to day things that being a wife and mother entail that envelop me. Right now I am at maximum saturation levels beyond compare.


I am not whining, I am stating how it is.

In the past, I had some fall back measures, but I no longer have that strong a support system. The events of the past six months have given me clarity beyond measure with whom I can count on and who truly is there for me. The rug was pulled out from under me, and I no longer able to just pick myself up and dust myself off. I am bruised and bloody from all the battles I am fighting. I feel forsaken and alone, and my soul aches. I cry out from my own personal wilderness:



Like it is written in Psalm 84

My soul yearns, even faints,

for the courts of the LORD;

my heart and my flesh cry out

for the living God.



I feel like my cries are falling on deaf ears.

Its like that scene in the Godfather, just when I think I am out, they pull me back in…in my case, it’s the darkness that seems to surround me. When I need a tender, warm embrace I get the cold shoulder both literally and figuratively. There is nothing worse that putting a hand up for help and having it smacked away. Right now, it feels the little progress I’ve made in some areas is not enough and quite frankly, I currently don’t have anymore to give.

But that’s just temporary.



I know, as it is in Psalm 147:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Right now, I am the brokenhearted. I have given the enemy a toe hold in my life, which has allowed my belief system-usually a continuum straight from me to Him-to kink and knot. I am broken, bleeding and hurting beyond measure. It seems as if I haven’t done anything right in my life, because there are a few nay sayers, that I have let be the loudest in the chorus. I am fundamentally a good person, despite my flaws which proves again and again that I am human. I am an awesome mother and my son and I share a special bond. He loves to cuddle with me still, and despite the difficulties each morning and each bedtime brings, we still love through it all. I try my best at keeping house, and try to cook great meals and do all the things that were effortless when I was at home most of the time, and for the most part I am successful. I have to remember those successes when the dark demons attempt to take hold. I know in my heart I have given my best, and quite frankly that is all I have to give.

through the past, darkly

Every so often, I have one of those fitful nights when I really, honestly can’t sleep. I think about things-nothing major-and hope for the best to fall back asleep. Tax time brought back a lot of painful memories of how the past year transpired and played out. I didn’t think that it would impact me as much as it did. Instead of claiming two children, it was one. Instead of claiming adoption expenses, it was a failure.


The remaining pieces of my heart went into tiny mosaics.

I laid awake in bed the last few nights, having the past year play out in my mind. The emotional roller coaster that I was on, the turmoil and tumult my family went through. . It was prolonged grief, and since November I have started to slowly claw my way out of the pit. I am starting to see the morning light and letting the darkness fade. This past year has seen my faith and relationships tested beyond compare. The saying that you don’t know who has your back until you’re in need is very true. People who I thought I could count on turned out to not be true blue, other people completely surprised me and stepped up to the proverbial plate.

My faith kept getting tested over the course of the past year, and to perfectly honest, inwardly I turned my back on G-d. Outwardly I continued to worship and praise, and pray and study but on the inside I was as dry as the Sahara. My faith wasn’t even as small as a mustard seed, it was microscopic. I felt abandoned. I cried out to Him, why did you put me through all this? Haven’t I had enough? You continue to make me suffer. I have lived a good life yet You punish me.

I was angry at Him, despite my dependence on Him. I was mad that my whole family had to suffer, that I was blind to warning signs and had selected vision. I was angry that my dreams were shattered like glass breaking into shards. I was angry that my son was affected on so many levels. There was such angry and vitriol in my home for months on end. I had given the devil a foothold into my life, and he was ready to settle in for the long haul.

There is real evil in the world. I’ve seen it, experienced it and lived it. It’s not evil on the same level as genocide or a serial killer. It’s an every day evil that is so insidious you don’t even notice it until its too late. It starts with a few small failings here and there. You just don’t do something that you always do. Nothing big, nothing major. For example, you always mop the kitchen floor at night, one day you just decide you won’t do it. It spirals down into a habit of not doing it. Then you decide you’re just too tired to pray at night, so you skip it. The next day, when you realize you haven’t been reduced to a pile of ashes, you skip it again. And again. And so on. Until the habit you had has been broken and a new, bad for you one has formed. This level of evil would rumple and crumple me, unless I turned my back and excised it. I can’t even begin to list the bad for me habits this everyday evil created in my life-and as a consequence, my family’s lives. But with surgical precision, I have removed the cancerous growth. Now I am in follow up treatment, with daily prayer and conversation. I am returning to pursuits that I laid aside last spring. I am enjoying my kitchen with a ferocity that has been unmatched in years. I am even getting truly serious about getting healthy again. My sewing machine is no longer idle. The cardstock is being dusted off. I am becoming whole again. Laughter is again ringing out in my home.

The darkness before dawn yields the most magnificent sunrises.

through the past, darkly

Every so often, I have one of those fitful nights when I really, honestly can’t sleep. I think about things-nothing major-and hope for the best to fall back asleep. Tax time brought back a lot of painful memories of how the past year transpired and played out. I didn’t think that it would impact me as much as it did. Instead of claiming two children, it was one. Instead of claiming adoption expenses, it was a failure.


The remaining pieces of my heart went into tiny mosaics.

I laid awake in bed the last few nights, having the past year play out in my mind. The emotional roller coaster that I was on, the turmoil and tumult my family went through. . It was prolonged grief, and since November I have started to slowly claw my way out of the pit. I am starting to see the morning light and letting the darkness fade. This past year has seen my faith and relationships tested beyond compare. The saying that you don’t know who has your back until you’re in need is very true. People who I thought I could count on turned out to not be true blue, other people completely surprised me and stepped up to the proverbial plate.

My faith kept getting tested over the course of the past year, and to perfectly honest, inwardly I turned my back on G-d. Outwardly I continued to worship and praise, and pray and study but on the inside I was as dry as the Sahara. My faith wasn’t even as small as a mustard seed, it was microscopic. I felt abandoned. I cried out to Him, why did you put me through all this? Haven’t I had enough? You continue to make me suffer. I have lived a good life yet You punish me.

I was angry at Him, despite my dependence on Him. I was mad that my whole family had to suffer, that I was blind to warning signs and had selected vision. I was angry that my dreams were shattered like glass breaking into shards. I was angry that my son was affected on so many levels. There was such angry and vitriol in my home for months on end. I had given the devil a foothold into my life, and he was ready to settle in for the long haul.

There is real evil in the world. I’ve seen it, experienced it and lived it. It’s not evil on the same level as genocide or a serial killer. It’s an every day evil that is so insidious you don’t even notice it until its too late. It starts with a few small failings here and there. You just don’t do something that you always do. Nothing big, nothing major. For example, you always mop the kitchen floor at night, one day you just decide you won’t do it. It spirals down into a habit of not doing it. Then you decide you’re just too tired to pray at night, so you skip it. The next day, when you realize you haven’t been reduced to a pile of ashes, you skip it again. And again. And so on. Until the habit you had has been broken and a new, bad for you one has formed. This level of evil would rumple and crumple me, unless I turned my back and excised it. I can’t even begin to list the bad for me habits this everyday evil created in my life-and as a consequence, my family’s lives. But with surgical precision, I have removed the cancerous growth. Now I am in follow up treatment, with daily prayer and conversation. I am returning to pursuits that I laid aside last spring. I am enjoying my kitchen with a ferocity that has been unmatched in years. I am even getting truly serious about getting healthy again. My sewing machine is no longer idle. The cardstock is being dusted off. I am becoming whole again. Laughter is again ringing out in my home.

The darkness before dawn yields the most magnificent sunrises.

Pink Moon

Yoga has been a part of my life for over 25 years. I have been a devoted practionier, but it has waxed and waned like the moon. When I'm on, and fully aware of my practice, you can tell. My skin glows. My eyes and hair are bright. I make healthier choices. My spiritual practices are blossoming and deepening more and more. I look, feel and act better over all.
When I'm not so on, things backslide. I'm not eating well, or moving more, which in turn leads to other negative choices in my life. I don't sleep well. I am out of balance, and as a result, things kick into a downward spiral.
I am fortunate that I can recognize this pattern, and stop it.
Yoga has gifted me an awareness of my body. I recognize when something is out of alignment. Its my choice to do anything about it.
Yoga has gifted me compassion for others. There is a bonding that happens when you are in class, all moving and breathing as one. When I practice alone, it allows me to connect to my body and my environment. I want to recycle and compost. I want to be nice to others because I've got that joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
Yoga has taught me dedication and persistence. I have practiced for 25 years, and I still can't get into certain asanas. Maybe I never will, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loszrEZvS_k&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Through the beauty of routine, I have found comfort. The world outside may be storming, but when I go to the mat, I have peace. The 20 minutes a day I practice gives me the peace and strength to be able to conquer the world.

Yoga has reinforced finding the sacred all around me. That is the definition of namaste: the light in me salutes the light in you.
Brother Lawrence, who found the glory of God in peeling potatoes in his 17th century monastery kitchen, is quoted as saying
“We must do our business faithfully, without trouble or disquiet, recalling our mind to God mildly, and with tranquility, as often as we find it wandering from him"

Maybe he was a closet yogi....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyoX_xj9hXA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

all she wants is...

Its been a really rough week in my world. I've been crazy busy, which has led me to not take care of myself. Add to it a healthy dose of mommy guilt, and I've set myself up for failure.
This is a week that I've felt like I could do nothing right by some folks. I know that this isn't entirely true, and that in most cases it is the other person and not me that is dealing with issues. It's very exhausting to plead my case on an ongoing basis.
So it is Friday night. On some calendars it is the Sabbath, and a new week will be dawning.
It can only get better.
Wallowing in my self pity tonight has actually been motivating. It's allowed me perspective. During yoga tonight, I settled into a modified camel pose while I was warming up. It was as I was leaning back, I realized how tight my upper back and chest were. It was difficult to arch my back and settle in, that there is a blockage.
As a result, I struggle with physical flexibility. Settling into camel, I had a plethora of emotions, and I felt myself wanting to cry. It's the same as getting a massage, and a knot gets worked out and there is an emotional release that parallels the physical. I tend to internalize my feelings.
This process then disrupts other aspects of my life. My spiritual life suffers. My meditation practice falters. I lose focus. I'm distracted, best evidenced by burning myself with the flat iron.
And it takes it's toll overall. I throw myself together, and that's about it. If I have a date with destiny, it wouldn't recognize me.
The most maddening thing is I wake up with plenty of time to work out, shower dress & even do my hair/make up plus do daily cleaning yet I'm struggling to get a portion of that done. I'm just not feeling it, it seems. My workouts have been without passion. I feel defeated, and scattered, which is causing me to not get it in gear.
It seems I can't make others happy, and then I realized that it's not my job. It's up to them to make themselves happy. All I can do is just keep on filling my life with joy and happiness. I can not "make" someone else feel joy, the same way I can't make a fish walk. I can inspire people to be joy filled, but that's about it. They need to make themselves happy, just as I can't expect someone to do that for me.
Insights abounding tonight.
Tomorrow is another day, and a fresh, clean start.