What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

Six years ago Friday I became a mother. It wasn’t the way I had planned on it. I didn’t get to have a gender reveal party. I didn’t get to wear cute Liz Lange dresses. I didn’t feel flutter and kicks. I never got to plan a nursery. I never felt a baby’s heartbeat from the inside. I didn’t get to complain about pregnancy. I missed out on all of what makes a traditional motherhood experience.

I so related to Hannah in the Book of Samuel. I too prayed, but my womb remained closed. I too, have a loving and supportive husband

to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. 6 Because the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 7 This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. 8 Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”

1 Samuel 1:5-8

But he could never understand the pain, how defective you feel when you are struggling with infertility. It undermined my self esteem for a very long time. I am sure I have stuffed my feelings with food, because its easier to numb the pain. I remember after my hysterectomy-my final farewell to ever having a child of my own, where I could wonder if they look like me or him-I lost a lot of weight. And I got scared, because how dare I look good because I am less a woman. I remember another PTO mom saying within earshot that how dare I be president because I wasn’t a “real mom”. I remember sobbing like I did as a teenager, when my crush liked someone else.

I wish I could say that motherhood instantly filled that hole in my soul. It didn’t, and it has taken a long time to realize that this was God’s plan for my life. If I wasn’t infertile, we never would be Little Man’s parents. He is exactly the right child for us, and it has been an amazing ride over the last six years. I have had my ups and downs. There have been many, many epic parenting fails over the years. I have yelled more than I thought was possible. I have cried many tears.

But I have also experienced incredible joy. I have the beaming pride when my son accomplishes something new. It is always amazing to see how much he’s grown and changed over the last six years. I love how we are still super close (he is such a momma’s boy, and I am just fine with that!) despite growing up. I would go to the ends of the earth for him, take a bullet for him and whatever else it takes to keep his safe, secure and ok. I pray every night for him to grow up happy, healthy, smart, and well adjusted. I love him beyond words.

Being a mother has changed me on so many levels. I am more sensitive now, and have been know to break out in tears when something sappy happens. I stress over different things now, and I struggle with others. I won’t ever get it perfect, but I hope that my son will look back on his childhood and know he had two parents that really loved him more than anything else. That’s the best gift ever.

It's My Life

I wear a lot of hats, sometimes not always literally.
I am a mom.
I am a wife.
I work full time and part time
I teach cooking classes
I teach yoga to both adults and children.
I volunteer with a variety of organizations that clothe the naked, feed the hunger and visit the sick and imprisoned.
I am active in PTO (again).
I am a crazy sports nut, fawning over my beloved Mets (baseball), Jets (football), Rangers (hockey), and Jazz (basketball).
I am a girly girl, loving spa time
I am a bibliophile
I have a passion for fashion (just look at my Pinterest board!)
I am a writer
I am a gardner
I am a domestic goddess
I am a crafter
I am a daughter, sister, family member, friend

In other words, I juggle a lot of things. I have lots of balls up in the air at all times. There are times when things fall apart and it takes super glue to hold it together. Other times, its shattered beyond belief. And when it's great, it's perfect. I navigate through both rough and calm waters.
It's my life, as crazy as it is, and I love every minute of it

Morning lullabies

I am quite envious of parents who say that their mornings are peaceful and calm.
My life is chaotic, at best.
I am dragging my son out of bed, yelling at him to get up, eat breakfast, brush teeth, etc. etc. etc. Not to mention, me trying desperately trying to get myself up and out. I try to look put together, but for the most part I am thrown all out of sorts.
I did not envision motherhood to be like this.
I was expecting my morning to be a breeze, that I would get done all I wanted and needed to.
I thought we would sit together at the table, and eat breakfast as a family.
I thought it was would be calm and glorious.
Its not.
I am a screaming banshee.
I try hard to not to be, honest I do.
But it happens.
The sad thing is the alarm goes off at 445. Whether or not I actually get out of bed is a different story. The plan is for me to go downstairs, do a little laundry, work out. Come upstairs take my shower and do my daily cleaning. Hey, I might even get dinner prepped!
Reality is, I roll out of bed, eventually. I then chug copious amounts of coffee. Eventually I go downstairs but its about 45 minutes or so since the alarm originially rang, so it limits my time working out. I exercise, half heartedly.
I then dork around some more, so I don't take my shower on time. Then I run out of time for cleaning. I don't get dressed in a timely manner.
Then there is the matter of the small child/morning monster. He does not want to get out of bed, so I use begging, pleading, cajoling, blackmail and bribery (not necessarily in that order). If we are lucky, he will get out of bed and eat his breakfast in the kitchen. Somedays, we are multitasking that.
I scream, I cry. I carry on.
We are literally running out of the house most days, because we are so late.
I am exhausted by the time I get to work, and then its a struggle to stay focused.
Ugh.
So, I keep trying to make it better. Honest I do.
The Little Man is growing up so fast. I feel I am missing out on so much, with this dischord.
I so desperately want those morning lullabies before its too late.

My Stupid Mouth

I have a tendency to not let my filter work and I speak without thinking. I also have a tendemcy to let things fester until they explode. Those two traits, combined together, can have some very ugly results.
There are a lot of words that I have uttered that can either turn the world into an arctic wonderland, or melt the coldest of hearts.

I have been experiencing the former lately. I've said things that I never thought would come tumbling out of my mouth. There have been many ouch moments, and once these things are out in the universe, there's no going back. Its like kneading bread, what was all seperate ingredients have melded together-all the words spoken ever have melded into the universe.

There can be words of joy and sorrow; happiness and pain. Sometimes in the same sentence. And there can be words that either enslave or set free. Or both. I am a writer at heart, and words are either my band aid or sword. They can either cleanse someone or make them feel dirty and shameful.

I have uttered all of the above in my 40 something years on this planet. Lately, I have been closer to the stupid side of the street. My ever increasing frustration level leads to a lot of yelling, and sometimes even hurtful statements.
I chose this life, and I chose my family. That's not to say that I am not frustrated by things every now & again. I am at a 10 plus on the frustration factor scale, and its not good. The biggest problem is I try to make it seem like everything is ok until I can't take it anymore, and I blow like Vesuvius.
Life on the spectrum is challenging on so many levels. The most important thing is self care, and I have definately been neglecting that lately. When I do, bad things happen.
My stupid mouth gets me in trouble time and again.

Introduction to Motherhood, a Crash Course

It's our birthday, and I have dug deep, deep, DEEP into the archives to find our original post. Yep, this is where the journey began.

Motherhood has kind of smacked me in the face the last few days. Technically, I have been the mother to a 4 year old since Saturday. I do love every moment of it, but its been more than a little stressful. I think my biggest issue is realizing that its no longer all about me. That was a real eyeopener for me. I was used to doing my own thing, and now I can't really. Believe me, I am not whining about it, but that was kind of weird to realize.
I love my son, and I love my husband even more on a much deeper level. I have seen a completely different side to DH