What Was I Thinking?

I've been with the Big Man for the better part of the last 23 years.

That's half my life.

And I'm now twice the size I was way back when. 

I had an epiphany when I was in the sauna at the gym this afternoon. I went to soak in the hot tub & sauna. It's part of my Sunday routine. It's part of me practicing self care, which is still a new concept to me.

I didn't have a lot of positive models for marriage growing up. Men didn't last long in my family. My mother has been widowed twice, my grandmother and her sisters were all widowed relatively young-it might have scared off some men! As a result, I based a lot of my marital knowledge on sitcoms & romance novels and movies. None of which bode well for having an understanding of what a real relationship holds. I just assumed that once you're married, you can kick back and eat Nutella out of the jar, right?

Unconditional love is one thing, but when you push the limits by not caring about yourself, you're in for a world of hurt. I know I've stumbled and fallen over the years, lately I've been stuck in quicksand. I've been juggling so much that I've fallen and couldn't get back up. I guess I figured while I was down there, I might as well have a snack. 

It was like the Hoff eating a cheeseburger (https://youtu.be/dkGUI4bnQbQ). A lot of cheeseburgers.

For years, I've resolved I was going to make a change, that I'm going to get healthy, that this was my rock bottom. In the meantime, I started to build a wall around me with bricks of guilt, shame, depression, unhappiness, jealousy, coveting, and all sorts of negative emotions. I couldn't make a change until I knocked down those walls.

Unfortunately, I'm not Miley Cyrus & I couldn't swing in like a wrecking 

ball. It's taken a lot of time, journaling and prayer to work through all this. 

It's only very recently that it's clicked for me. I've been trying to plug my soul holes with food. It's the same as plugging a leak on a boat with a window screen. I had about as much luck, too.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV

When I read that passage, during my study time, it clicked. Am I glorifying God by drinking that soda or eating another bag of chips? Is hitting the drive thru bringing me closer? 

Unfortunately for my taste buds, the answer was a resounding no. I didn't go crazy like I've done in the past and jump on some diet bandwagon. I just started cooking again. That's all. I make real food for breakfast, lunch & dinner. I even have my favorites too, and in just a few short weeks, I'm losing weight. I didn't change anything other than how I look at what I'm consuming, rather than letting it consume me. 

After all, what was I thinking?

https://youtu.be/fTqra4YSsaM

Self Esteem

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.”

Psalm 139:1-6 NIV

http://bible.com/111/psa.139.1-6.niv

One of my biggest struggles in life is self esteem. I really have a hard time believing that I am worthy of anything, most especially all that I've been blessed with.(and believe me, I've been blessed beyond measure)

When I start feeling like that, I go to the Psalms. David, most beloved, King of Isreal, ancestor of Jesus, was very human. He was a blatant sinner, and despite his lofty position, also struggled with feeling worthy. 

I love the reminders pointed out in Psalm 139. God knows us. He knows everything about us. He knows when we do right-and wrong. He is present with us no matter what we do. 

If God thinks I'm so special, to spend this time & focus on me...then there must be something pretty special about me. 

Constant Craving

I've been battling my weight for most of my life. Most of the time, I'm not very successful following a strict diet and usually wind up going back to bad habits. That's how I wound up where I am today.

In a few short days, I'm having hernia repair surgery. It's been a long journey to this point because I've put it off due to my weight. I'd love to be at my most perfect size, but I can't wave a magic wand and be a size 10.

I can, however, turn it over to God.

I tend to binge eat. If there are certain trigger foods (for me, sweets are my downfall) I have zero willpower. As much as I love going to the gym, I tend to slack off because sitting on the couch is easier. 

I don't like hard.

James 1:22 says:

be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.

I'm kind of a hearer and not much of s do-ER it seems. 

Hard is well... hard. It means getting out of my comfort zone. It means dealing with aches & pain. It means taking action.

Doing means making changes, choosing better for me foods. It means going to the gym and working out. It means putting God first. It also means getting to the root cause of my food issues.

A friend of mine several years who recommended the book Made to Crave, and I've had it on my bookshelf to read for a while. Im going to have the time to read while I'm recovering from surgery, so it's at the top of my pile. 

God has a funny way of getting my attention sometimes. One of my excuses for not taking care of my temple is I'm so busy. Having surgery really clears your calendar! I've got time over the next few weeks to slow down, recalibrate & renew.