What Was I Thinking?

I've been with the Big Man for the better part of the last 23 years.

That's half my life.

And I'm now twice the size I was way back when. 

I had an epiphany when I was in the sauna at the gym this afternoon. I went to soak in the hot tub & sauna. It's part of my Sunday routine. It's part of me practicing self care, which is still a new concept to me.

I didn't have a lot of positive models for marriage growing up. Men didn't last long in my family. My mother has been widowed twice, my grandmother and her sisters were all widowed relatively young-it might have scared off some men! As a result, I based a lot of my marital knowledge on sitcoms & romance novels and movies. None of which bode well for having an understanding of what a real relationship holds. I just assumed that once you're married, you can kick back and eat Nutella out of the jar, right?

Unconditional love is one thing, but when you push the limits by not caring about yourself, you're in for a world of hurt. I know I've stumbled and fallen over the years, lately I've been stuck in quicksand. I've been juggling so much that I've fallen and couldn't get back up. I guess I figured while I was down there, I might as well have a snack. 

It was like the Hoff eating a cheeseburger (https://youtu.be/dkGUI4bnQbQ). A lot of cheeseburgers.

For years, I've resolved I was going to make a change, that I'm going to get healthy, that this was my rock bottom. In the meantime, I started to build a wall around me with bricks of guilt, shame, depression, unhappiness, jealousy, coveting, and all sorts of negative emotions. I couldn't make a change until I knocked down those walls.

Unfortunately, I'm not Miley Cyrus & I couldn't swing in like a wrecking 

ball. It's taken a lot of time, journaling and prayer to work through all this. 

It's only very recently that it's clicked for me. I've been trying to plug my soul holes with food. It's the same as plugging a leak on a boat with a window screen. I had about as much luck, too.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV

When I read that passage, during my study time, it clicked. Am I glorifying God by drinking that soda or eating another bag of chips? Is hitting the drive thru bringing me closer? 

Unfortunately for my taste buds, the answer was a resounding no. I didn't go crazy like I've done in the past and jump on some diet bandwagon. I just started cooking again. That's all. I make real food for breakfast, lunch & dinner. I even have my favorites too, and in just a few short weeks, I'm losing weight. I didn't change anything other than how I look at what I'm consuming, rather than letting it consume me. 

After all, what was I thinking?

https://youtu.be/fTqra4YSsaM

The Sweetest Thing

There has been a lot of talk about the movie Magic Mike recently. Women, supposedly, are swooning over the cast and the plot. I'm really not into movies like that, so I don't plan on seeing it. However, the discussion about what women find attractive is quite interesting.
Deep down inside, I'm an old fashioned girl. I'm about the whole flag, mom, apple pie and unity of community. I believe that when you get married, it's for keeps. My devotion to Matthew 25:35-6 keeps me going

35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

It's the cornerstone of my life. Service to others as well as a deep, abiding faith in addition to watching everyday miracles unfold are my pillars of character.
Everyone has a "type"-something that turns your head. Some folks like blondes or redheads; others find the cast of Magic Mike attractive. My type happens to be Italian body builders, best known as a Guido. These guys existed long before the Jersey Shore, And will continue long after that show transitions into oblivion.
Sure, there's something to be said about physical attractiveness, it's what catches your eye at first, but eye candy eventually loses its taste and leaves you hungry if there isn't anything more. As the poet John Donne stated:
Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies.
There are no buffers for me between attractiveness and character.
There is a trio of guys that rock my world, for a variety of reasons, and these are not short term dalliances, these are long term commitments.
The first guy on my list is Bono. People who know me know my unabashed giddiness over him, going back to Sunday Bloody Sunday and live at red rocks. I appreciated the fact that hid faith was an integral part of his life and songwriting. The song, 40, is an interpretation of Psalm 40. Other songs deal with social justice, peace and faith. He doesn't just sing about it-he lives it. The guiding forces behind both One (www.one.org) and the RED campaign (to end the AIDS epidemic)Bono has been the catalyst to change the average rock fan's view on social justice. The other big thing is, in the world of 15 minute marriages (yeah you Kim kardashian) he's been with his wife for 37 years. You read that correctly. 37 years. That's something to applaud. He even wrote one of my favorite songs, The Sweetest Thing, for her as an apology for missing her birthday due to work (proceeds from the song benefited the Chernobyl Children's Fund).
Another "hottie" on my list is Jon Bon Jovi. He's been with his missus for 35 years, and raised 4 kids. In addition to being a family man, he has quietly been involved in community outreach for years. A long time supporter of Habitat for Humanity and Project Home, he has personally funded building projects in Newark, Camden and Trenton NJ. In addition, he also funded low income health clinics in inner city NJ locations, and has innovated programs to end hunger and food insecurity in NJ.
However, my favorite guy is the BigMan himself. We have been together for the better part of 19 years, and married for almost 10. In that time, he supported me through my dad's cancer diagnosis, treatment and subsequent death; my grandmother's slow decline, and the stroke that finally took her as well as lots of other stops on the journey. As time has gone on, he has become an amazing father, where it keeps getting better and better.
Who are your sweetest things?

Candle in the wind

Watch "Princess Diana Funeral - Elton John - Candle In The Wind (Goodbye England's Rose)" on YouTube
I have a confession to make: I was obsessed with Princess Diana. From when she first came onto the scene until her untimely death and beyond, I idolized her.
She pulled back the curtains on the princess myth, and exposed it warts & all.
Tomorrow, her son is getting married in the same church where she was buried from. Granted that church is WestminsterAbbey and is the public persona of the Anglican church, but when you are the heir to the throne, its as close to a family church as you are going to get.
I will admit that I will peek at the royal wedding. I want to know how other than the ring, Diana will be incorporated into the ceremony. Or maybe that won't be for public consumption.
Its a twinge of sadness when you get married after one of your parents have died. I know it was for me at least. But the consolation was that I was starting a new life.
Anyone who has been married in the Anglican communion as I was used the same order of service as the young royals will. It's just another way of saying we who are many share one bread, one cup and are all the same.