As I was putting the Little Man to bed last night, it was obvious he wasn't tired (but I was) Big Man was long into dreamland, and I REALLY wanted to join him there. So I made a compromise with the little guy. He could "camp" with Care Bear and I wouldn't force him to go to bed. In our home, camping means sleeping on our nap mat from Kindergarten, covered in a love knot blanket, cudding a large stuffed animal. I don't particularly care for it as he is sleeping on the floor, not really well covered and did I mention he's sleeping on the floor?
When I went to go check on him this morning somehow he wound up wrapped up in his comforter on his bed. That made me happy, because I don't want him to wind up with being sick from sleeping on the floor or a bad back from it all. I know I have a lot of issues with back pain-and I've been dealing with it for about 20 years now. Its actually what got me into yoga in the first place. Someone told me that it would help with the tightness that I deal with, and I took a community school class which rather changed my life.
I love how I feel even doing my little daily dozen asanas. I do have less pain, especially my lower back. I don't really get the same stress relief that some people claim yoga gives them-mine is all about getting rid of the aches & pains. I think its funny that the Little Man will sometimes join me in the yoga-he does a mean downward dog. They did something about it in gym class and he told his gym teacher that we did it together-that made me so proud!!
Despite doing yoga for years, I don't have a yogi body. Actually despite the whole exercise thing I don't look like I am as active as I am. I think it has to do with me not saying no to food. There isn't a magic pill to take away my taste buds or the food cravings that I have (especially sweets. Just can't say no) I really need to stop eating the way that I do. I do know the eating is stuffing down feelings-I got that out of my life care coaching sessions. I stuff down my feelings because I don't want to deal with them-I want them to go away and not face them. Its not that my life really sucks or anything, but there's a bit of a powerless feeling in my life. I think its because I feel as if I am not "good enough". No one has specifically told me that I am not, but I just have that negative undercurrent. There's a lot of vague, non-specific feelings of not doing things well or right. I do know that there are specific instances when I've been told that I wasn't good enough...
One was I joined a new writers group a long time ago-like 11 years ago. I was nervous about sharing my work with someone else or more like a group of someone elses. What really stung was how my poetry was so trashed by the members of this group. The leader of the group just ripped my writing apart so badly that I didn't write for a very long time-several years to be exact. Everytime I sat down to write, I just remember that very public humiliation I received and it became why bother? Its not very good anyway...obviously I got over that set of feelings, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog.
Another instance was I joined an online scrapbooking group-Central Jersey Scrappers. There was a Christmas gift swap that I signed up for one year. Obviously my partner did not like the gift I got her because she wrote a post to the WHOLE group ripping apart the gift, going so far as saying that I had cheap taste and that I should never bother signing up for a swap like that again. Wait-it gets worse! Scrapbooking has been my passion for years and years. Its one craft that I feel is my own, and that I love(d) to share it with others. I thought I was pretty good at it too, so I took a deep breath and signed up for a swap involving Christmas carols. I chose Away in a Manger-one of my favorites-and worked really hard on it. I sent the swap in, and I was excited when I got my goody package back a few weeks later. Only when I opened it up, there was my hard work in there with a nasty note (also posted to the list-talk about humiliation part too) ripping apart my scrapping skills, advising me to stop scrapping because I was wasting time and money. Ouch!!
The last example is making some cookies for a bake sale. I was told by someone helping out at the bake sale who sampled said cookie that they were horrible and that why did I bother making them. She actually took my cookies off the table and continued to rip me apart for it. I just remember leaving the bazaar in tears and feeling like I couldn't do anything right.
As one could see, that could do some pretty hefty ego damage. Add to it, there are several other instances that I got involved in that included being ripped apart by crafting groups that caused me to rethink doing anything. I am not sure why I inspire such vitriol from people-maybe I am more talented than I think its jealousy. Or maybe people just don't mesh with my personality (although its awesome that at least 2 people have-Big Man and Little Man). Whatever the reason, it was very painful and it took me a long time to recover from it. Actually, it makes me think twice about doing anything anymore (bake sales, coffee hour at church, swaps, what not)Its like I am afraid of setting anyone off.
I do have to admit that those are 4 examples of negative people in the same area who probably were just miserable but they are three stunning examples of why I am such a basket case about things. I am so stressed out about buying gifts because I am afraid that the whole humiliation will happen again. And same with my crafting, I am so afraid of being told that I suck at it that I have that fear in the back of my mind when I am doing something. Not only that but I get the whole thought of why bother it just sucks anyway. And the whole baking thing...I just need to get over all this and get on with my life.
That's my wish for a Christmas miracle-to not take certain criticisms to heart. The poeple who were responsible for those issues in my life were just very angry and unhappy and for some reason I was the punching bag for them. Maybe its the fact that I think of myself as a genuinely nice person and that seems to attract that kind of anger from others. Its not really me, its them who just are so miserable in their lives, they focus on someone who's really positive and then rip them apart. Its like they can't stand to see someone happy that they have to try to ruin it...so in this season of miracles, I am working on my own to get over this.
