Skin

As I make the transition to living a more yogic lifestyle, I am shedding a lot of skin. For many years, I was a compulsive overeater. I used my weight as a form of protection. I was guarding my heart and soul from a lot of things that were hurtful. On the subconscious level, I looked at it as being fat was a better excuse than facing up to the actual situation. Its easier to be fat than to admit you are surrounding yourself with people who are not supportive and caring about you (rather what you can do for them). I used to eat to stuff my emotions, and it was definitely a case of what was eating me.

 

I had a health crisis that caused me to completely re-examine my life and my choices. The first thing I did was eliminate animal based products from my diet. Yes, I went vegan for good. For me, the hardest thing is the fact that the Big Man doesn’t like most of what I eat, so I wind up making multiple meals. I have friends whose spouses went along on the journey with them. That is not true in my case. I also added in whole, home cooked foods. I stopped eating processed junk and soda, and I started to watch the weight drop off me. I lost almost 10% of my body weight in just over 6 weeks by not eating fast food or chips or having cokes multiple times a day.

The second big thing I did was I began to focus on mindful eating. I made each meal an experience. No more eating at my desk at work or during meetings. No more surfing the web or reading a book while I ate. I focused on eating. I say a prayer of gratitude for what I am about to eat. I make it an experience. I eat off real plates, with real silverware. I drink out of real glasses (no more disposable for me!). When I can, I add candles and table clothes, because eating should be an experience. I have noticed I eat less, not intentionally, but it just seems to work out that way.

 

The third thing is I am now owning my feelings. I journal more, and I focus on what needs to be resolved and with whom. I no longer let things fester or be stuffed down. I know I don’t like confrontation, but sometimes I need to do that in order to preserve my health. I am also slowly eliminating the 3 p’s of toxicity: people, places and products.

 

Fourth, I am eating when I am hungry. I don’t feel guilty over what I am eating either. Diets as we commonly know them don’t work. I am living proof of that. If it’s a commercially available diet, I have probably been on it. I could count points, grams, whatever. Since I stopped counting calories, I am losing weight. I am more focused on the quality of food that I am eating. I choose organic, whole foods versus anything that contains products made in lab. Since I started eating real food, my chronic aches and pains have been reduced. I don’t feel foggy headed. I am not constantly tired.  Yes, it is much more work. However, my health is important to me and it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Honesty

During the confession of sin in the book of common prayer,  we say that we have sinned in thought, word and deed. Sin isn’t always an overt action, we sometimes think and say things that aren’t always good or right, and for that we need to ask for forgiveness. One of the ashtangs, or eight limbs of yoga, is satya-truthfulness. It’s not just telling the truth, but living honestly. Its having a code of ethics and living by it. For many, this is the most difficult limb to live by.

It might be my religious background, or it just might be my personal code of conduct, but I try to live a honest life. That means, from the time I get up in the morning to the time I go to bed at night, I make truthful and honest choices. When I am at work, I work. I don’t conduct personal business. I don’t waste time, borrow supplies or anything else like that.

If I say I am going to do something, I do it. I don’t make commitments that I have no intention of following through on. People know that if I am going to do something, then they should consider it done. This is so important as a parent. There is nothing worse than moms or dads who promise their kids things and have zero intention of following through.  That being said, there are instances when a commitment was made and then a circumstance arose and I could no longer honor it, I have been open and up-front about it.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

One thing I can’t stand is when someone lies to me. It’s not that they lied, it’s the fact that I wasn’t worth the truth in the first place.  That is more painful than the actual lie. If you think that little of me, then you shouldn’t be in my life in the first place.

One of my favorite movies is the Invention of Lying with Ricky Gervais. It’s a funny look at a world where no one lies, and one day, his character suddenly does. Comic mischief ensues, and there is a soppy, moral ending slapped on, but the premise really fascinated me.

Love is all you Need

 Yoga has gone totally mainstream over the last decade or so. When I began practicing in the 1980’s, it was down, dirty and counterculture (all of which appealed to the rebel in me). I learned very quickly that yoga was much more than what happened on the mat. The eight limbs (or ashtang) are part of yogi c philosophy that provide a pretty great framework for living. Much of this is lost in today’s yoga classes, which focus on asana-or the poses.  I have made a conscious choice since I started practicing to use the ashtang as my personal philosophy on one level or another. In the last year or so, it all really clicked for me and its completely rocked my world.

 

Ahimsa or non-violence is defined as Abstinence from injury that arises out of love for all, harmlessness, the not causing of pain to any living creature in thought, word, or deed at any time. In my life, this means I have made a conscious choice to not consume products that are tested on animals. I have chosen to follow a plant based diet. I choose my words carefully. I look for the good in people. I volunteer with groups promoting love. I have made a choice to limit my environmental impact by adopting a green lifestyle.  I also have spent much of my adult life promoting peace. I am a hippie at heart, and I think finding common ground and working to eliminate violence should be our goal as humans. I won’t get on my soapbox, but as my son grows up, I want him to live in a world without war, hatred, bigotry and prejuidice.

Money (That's What I Want)

There are eight limbs of yoga (the actual poses are just a very small part of it actually). One of the limbs is yama, or self restraints. One of them is asteya, which translates from the Sanskrit as non stealing, non coveting and non entering into debt. It is very similar to several of the 10 commandments-don’t steal, don’t covet, don’t make a false oath (which is really what debt is-you made an agreement to take money that wasn’t yours). I am ok with the not stealing part, but the other two, well…let’s just say they’ve been a struggle for me.

Do not covet…I have spent a good chunk of my life coveting other people’s lives, stuff and then some. There were a lot of if only I could lose weight and look like (insert name here) my life would be perfect. If I dressed like so and so, more people would like me. If I drove that car, I would finally be cool. Marketing is intended to make us covet, because that’s how products are sold. It’s not the product or service itself-it’s the promise of if you had it, your life would change. Maybe it’s the wisdom of graying hair and wrinkling, but I am much more comfortable in my own skin. I don’t have an issue saying that I don’t support x, or y is not on my food plan or z is tested on animals or q is genetically modified. I don’t want what others have, because I have enough. I am enough without all these different goods…I am in the process of simplifying my life now, and it’s ok.

 

The not entering into debt is another issue I struggled with, mainly because of the whole coveting thing. I spent money that wasn’t mine to buy things I didn’t need. When the economy took a downtown in the last few years, conspicuous consumption caught up with a lot of people.  In its aftermath, I realized how I was stuck on the hamster wheel of trying to impress people I didn’t like with things I couldn’t afford. Debt is a weight on you, and until its gone, you can’t catch your breath fully. I have learned the hard way about how this can lead to ruin, and while it’s been a struggle, I know that I am like a phoenix raising out of the ashes.

 

Kate Northrup wrote a great book called Money  A Love Story, which reframed my relationship with money on so many levels. I already practiced the law of attraction (short & sweet-you attract what you think, conscious or unconscious), except when it came to money. I became a general hot mess, and it showed. I won’t get into a long tortured her-story on my relationship with money, but once I reframed things, life (and my bank account) blossomed. First and foremost, I began to focus on gratitude and abundance. I check my bank balance daily, and I say a prayer of gratitude that I have money in there and that my needs are being met.

 

For years I have told my son to watch his words, because they have power. If I am using words that signify lack, I am diminishing power in my life. When I reframe the same thoughts in terms of abundance, the law of attraction works its magic. Instead of saying I can’t afford something, I instead say I choose not to get whatever. I stopped using shopping (and money) as a stand in for other things, like love, comfort, pleasure in my life. I spent time indentifying what I value, and then began to base my spending habits on that. For example, I value fresh, organic foods so I spend money on that versus fast food. I also spend a few minutes each night writing in my gratitude journal, and listing 3 things I value about myself and 3 ways in which I added value to the world that day. I don’t need retail therapy to feel good about me. I feel good about me.

 

I also have reframed my relationship with money on other levels. I don’t have bills anymore. Instead, I have blessings that I already received. I am grateful for the electric bill, because I have lights and air conditioning in my house, medical bills because I am on the road to good health…you get the picture. I don’t have budget discussions with the big man anymore. Instead, we have financial freedom dates. I get dressed up, light candles, make lemon sodas in wine glasses, and we go to town. Its opened up some pretty rad dialogue for us, since money has always been a bit of a sticky wicket. I’m not perfect, but I am getting closer each day to living asteya.

Patience

Out of all the yamas, I struggle with kshama the most. It is translated from the Sanskrit as meaningpatience, releasing time, functioning in the now. For a type A, compulsive planner like me, this seems like the most  impossible of tasks. I don’t have time to be patient.

 

Until I had a few health crisis. Then all bets were off, and I had to recalibrate my life. I stopped the glorification of busy. I began to focus on the here and now, and being more mindful. I also stopped over scheduling my child. He needed time to be a kid, to explore the world and most importantly, to play.

 

It isn’t always easy, it didn’t happen overnight and in fact, it’s still a work in progress.

 

I do plan out my days, weeks and months, but leave a lot of wiggle room. I try to not have more than one activity on the weekends, unless it’s something fun like gardening or hiking or a picnic. I have stepped away from many of the organizations I was heavily involved with, because it was taking up too much of my time. It was hard (and scary!) at first, since much of my identity was tied to what I was working on. I spent quite a bit of time zoning out on the couch, surfing the web and what not, but then as time went on, it was less and less. I was reconnecting to my life.

 

I spent time in prayer and meditation, and found that still small voice speaking to me. Sometimes it sounded like my son, other times it was a cool breeze in the woods. It could even sound like the trade winds in Hawaii. The most important thing was that I listened. Intently. Much of the stress in my home disappeared. The household ran more smoothly and inefficiently. There was calmness and peace.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Tapas is the niyama about austerity. This word used to scare me. I always saw it as living in grayscale, where everyone is miserable. More gruel please.

As I begun to live a more yogic life, I began to think of austerity as liberating. I see it as more limiting the negative in your life and releasing what no longer serves you. The more you let go, the more free you are.

Time is on my Side

In the past, I have been accused of being flighty and not always sticking to task. Today, I might be diagnosed with ADHD, which would be incorrect. I do have quite the attention span, it’s just I am so excited by all that the world has to offer I want to take it all in. As time has gone on, I have forced myself to be disciplined and seeing tasks through to completion. I struggle with things I don’t particularly care for the most. In most cases, I’d rather be doing a craft project or reading or time sucking on facebook than cleaning or other less favorite activities.

Alas, I can’t always get what I want, and I have to do these things.

Enter, the GTD system. GTD stands for get things done, and it’s a time management philosophy. For people like me, it’s a phenomenal system. The crux of it is taking things from your mind, and recording them on paper/online/whatever and then break into manageable tasks or segments. Basically, I don’t have to keep trying to recall things and I can focus on what’s truly important.

There are 5 basic steps: capture, clarify, organize, reflect and engage.

Capturing includes making my lists. Each week, I start off with “in” list. It’s all the tasks that I have going on for the next week. Its everything from going grocery shopping to wanting to polish my French skills to a recipe I want to try. It’s an ongoing to do list. I review it and start delegating those tasks. Is it something that requires action (right away or someday) or does it need to be “incubated” (go to the ticker file). If it requires an action step, I think about what needs to be done and add it to my next action list or deciding if it needs to be delegated.

From the next action step, I move onto contexts-how I tag my to do list. I break it down by the following:

@calls-phone calls I need to make/respond

@emails-emails I need to send/respond

@home-things that need to get done at home

@errands-errands that need to be run

@work-tasks that need to be done at work

@ school-stuff for school & activities

@ scouts

@ gym

It helps me delegate and see the big picture. It’s pretty rewarding to check things off my list.

I also have a projects list, for things that require multiple steps or a longer range. I title the list with the project (ex: vacation) and then break it down into action steps. It makes it more manageable for me and its actually how my “logical” brain works.

Another list I have is my agendas, which I use quite differently than how the system designed it. I use it mostly for the little man’s therapy sessions, since we don’t meet on a weekly basis. It’s a running list of accomplishments, and sometimes, epic fails. It allows me to not have everything in my head and instead I can spend the session working on improving skills. I also use it for recurring events-some meetings, book group, etc.

I also have my someday list, which is my long range planning. Its everything that I would love to do, when I had the time/unlimited funds/whatever. I do look at it on a weekly basis, and sometimes I can move those projects or ideas to my action plan. Some of them have been on there forever, but that’s ok. Someday hasn’t gotten here yet!

My other primary tool is the calendar. I have lots of things to do on my calendar. If there is a deadline, it goes on my calendar. Everything else stays on my lists. This way I can focus on deadlines. I also schedule certain times to do recurring tasks (like return phone calls)-that way the caller can expect a response and I can block out the time.

Each week I do a weekly review of my lists. I make sure things that needed to get done, got done and if not, reschedule. I also add things to my calendar for the upcoming week, and can plan meals, etc around that.

My other part of the system that really works for me are my folders. Yes, folders. In fact, 45 of them. (the actual system calls for 43, but I’ve added a few more to customize). There are 12 folders for each month, and 31 folders for each day. I file everything-bills, correspondence, paperwork for school, etc as stuff comes in. If it’s not due until the next month (or longer), it goes into that month’s folder. Each month, I go through that month’s folder and then put the paperwork in the proper day’s folder. For example, Little Man has to bring in an egg carton on a specific day the next month. I will put it on my action plan, and a reminder in the folder. Every morning I check the folder for that day and it helps me to remember what needs to be done. I don’t have a gazillion things bouncing around in my head, and I am more efficient.

I have also added a to read folder, so I can grab it when I know I am going to have waiting time or down time. Its articles, listing of websites I wanted to visit and others. Sometimes I have an actual book or magazine in there, other times it’s a sticky note. I also added a to write folder-so I don’t miss people’s birthdays, special occasions or anything else I wanted to send a card for. I also keep stationary in there to write letters or notes. I keep this is my tote bag, so when I have down time I can be productive.

 

 

Happy

Its taken 44 years of living to say that I am finally truly happy with my life. I am at the point where I find the joy in everyday things-the sunrise, a full moon, a luscious piece of fruit, my son’s giggle-that make up the truly big things in my world. I wish it didn’t take a health crisis to spur things on, but unfortunately it did, and it was the tipping point. I realized that if I didn’t make the changes I did, when I did, I would be dead in a few years. I used to be dependent on other people, places and products to make me happy. There were a lot of if only’s going on in my life. If only I had such a such thing, if only I was going to x event, if only so and so was my friend, I would be happy.

And more often than not, I was miserable.

I realized that health, family and love are the three most important things in life. Material things are nice, but not necessary to lead a contented, happy life. I spend time every day writing in my gratitude journal at least 10 things I am grateful for. The more I think about it, the more things I find.

I also keep a happy list, things that make me well, happy. Every day I do at least 3 things from that list. It can be as simple as smelling my coffee as it brews, giving my dog a belly rub and snuggling with my son (which is what I accomplished yesterday) to doing a whole bunch. I have noticed when I slack off on this, things begin to get dark and I find myself falling into that pit.

Down to the Water

Cleanliness is next to godliness, at least according to my grama.

I didn’t always live such a clean life either. Back in the day, I partied hardy. I smoke, drank, ate crap and did some things I wasn’t always proud of. Worse yet, I didn’t always have a clean mind-I let the dark outshine the light. I was a slob on a lot of levels. As I’ve gotten older, I have begun to clean things up. I cleaned up my diet-limiting processed foods, going vegan, drinking more water. I cleaned up my lifestyle-no more drinking or smoking, limiting my contact with toxic people. I’m cleaning up my house too-fewer toxic products, decreasing clutter, letting in light.

Many people think eating clean is hard. Its only hard if you let it be. Its less convenient because I need to cook more and put more thought into what I am eating. I can’t just grab fast food, I need to prepare. I eat lots of fruits, vegetables and grains. I drink a lot of fresh juice. I drink mostly water and limit  my caffeine intake. I watch how much salt & sugar are in the foods I consume.

I spend time every day tidying up my house. Once I got things under control, life got easier. I don’t have clutter everywhere. The chi moves freely in my home. There is more abundance.

I have started practicing the habit of ishnaan (hydrotherapy). It’s a cold shower, done in a specific manner. I take a normal shower after I go to the gym at night, so my morning ishnaan is not necessarily about cleaning. It a way to wake up your body and clean out toxins. This practice comes out of the kundalini tradition, and it is a game changer.

I have a pair of white boxers. I massage almond oil on me. I get into a cold shower and do a little wahe guru dance. When I started doing this, I originally was not convinced, but the more I did it, the better I felt. My skin looked better. I didn’t get sick as often. Plus, I was wide awake without chugging copious amounts of caffeine.

Love is All Around

When I was 14, I had a consciousness raising. The song Do They Know it’s Christmas was released, to raise funds to help relieve the Ethiopian famine. It was the first time I had an awareness that I could make a difference in the world, and it changed the course of my life. I decided that I wanted to spread love and make earth a happy place to be. Over time, I have refined what love means to me, but it’s a guiding principle.

There are a few issues that I work to change and make better for us a society: food, housing, the environment, women, children and animals. Sometimes they are all interconnected, other times not so much. The volunteer work I do revolves around those areas. The political causes I support are based on those as well. The older I get, the more I realize one voice can make a difference. I have seen it-and continue to see it. I remember the one man standing in front of the tanks in Tiananmen Square. He made a difference. We all can.

Find a cause you care about. One of my pet causes is hunger. I would love to see hunger end in Sioux Falls tomorrow. One way to do it, is volunteering with the Banquet and serving meals. Another is volunteering to fill backpacks for Feeding South Dakota’s Backpack Program. Everyone has something that jazzes them. Find yours, and see what opportunities are available. Most organizations would love to have you.  

For us, it’s a family thing. I look for opportunities for us to serve together. Sometimes it’s serving meals, other times its stuffing envelopes. There are always groups that need help. My son is a Boy Scout, and he needs to get in service hours every month. I am always on the lookout for ways he can get involved. Recently, he volunteered as an usher for Les Miz, and helped at the downtown duck derby. As he gets older, I hope he continues to serve others because we are commanded: what you do for the least of people, you do for Me.

Crying

One of the worst parts of yoga and meditation practice is the dredging up of suppressed emotions. The deeper I get into my practice, the more these emotions bubble to the surface. Its hard, because I suppressed them for a reason you know.

One of the emotions that has come bubbling up is this profound sadness. I am finding myself out of a clear blue sky, sobbing for no reason. Well, actually, there are reasons. There is a lot of mourning I never did when it was the season to mourn. As a result, I locked up that sadness and it stayed with me for a very long time. I am sad that things didn’t always go according to plan. I am sad that I never allowed myself the proper time to mourn my losses, no matter how insignificant they may have seemed to someone else. They mattered to me.

The other emotion that I can’t seem to get a handle on is anger. I have realized that I am a very angry person, even though I never intended to be. It rears its head when I least expect it, against those I least expect to. I was talking with a friend  who is one of the most Zen people I know, about this the other day and she told me, you have every right to be angry. Its ok to be.

What a lot of wisdom in that sentence. I do have every right to be angry. I am entitled to my anger, but I have to own it. I think it’s the fact that while I am angry, I am also incredibly frustrated.

Most of my frustration comes from the fact that in my head, I lead the perfect life. I eat healthy, I exercise daily, my house is spotless, my child is perfect and I look great. In reality if I get one out of the list, I’m doing great. I invest too much time in coveting others. Sometimes it can be inspiring

Give Peace a Chance

I have a hippie heart. From the time I was able to formulate a political philosophy, I have been a peacenik. Jesus calls on us to love our neighbors as ourselves. If we follow that, then how on earth can we practice violence? One of the yamas of yoga is that of non-violence. Its not just war or crime, violence constitutes so many different things. Practicing non violence includes practicing non-violence toward yourself. Non-violence factors into choosing what you eat, choosing what products you buy and what kind of car you drive, even.

Non-violence factors into my daily life, when I make a decision to kill a bug or by my actions or words, kill a spirit. The constant mental chatter is subject to either violence or non violence, depending on whether or not I want to live a happy, positive life. When I focus on positive self talk (practicing non-violence), things just go so much better.

For many yogis, the practice of non-violence has translated into non-violence against animals and eating a vegetarian or vegan diet. For others, it means choosing free range, grass fed, humanely killed meats and dairy products. For others, it means shopping local and organic.

I choose to use non-violence to also build up those around me-to love my neighbor (and family). I have limited my contact and exposure to the toxic people in my life, because that it is practicing non-violence for myself. I share love and compassion with my husband and son, because that it is practicing non-violence in my family.

The possibilities are endless. How could you practice non-violence in your life?

Been Caught Stealing

The third yama of yoga is non-stealing, which corresponds with the commandment don’t steal. Don’t take stuff that doesn’t belong to you. Pretty simple stuff, right? On the surface it is, but, like all in yoga, there is so much more. I think of don’t steal as not just material things, like committing a crime, but also much more esoteric. Don’t steal people’s time, energy, love.

Most people have that one person in their social orbit that has no clue how much havoc they wreck on others. To them, they are the center of the universe. They are never on time for anything. They cancel plans at the last moment. They expect you to drop everything for them. When they are mad at someone, they expect you to be mad at that person too. Its exhausting.

Maybe you have been in a relationship with someone, and weren’t quite on the same page as to where things were headed. A lot of women stay in dead end relationships for far too long because they think they are going to get married and that they can change their partner. They are letting that person steal their time, energy and love.

Or what’s worse-you’ve gotten that person into a lifelong commitment. You’ve been together forever and a day. Sometimes, familiarity breeds comfort and in other situations, contempt. By not honoring your partner, you are stealing their love, time and energy.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

One of the niyamas in yoga is contentment. Its not just being happy, because happiness is fleeting. To me, contentment is inner peace and sense of well being. Its taken me a long time to get to the point of having inner peace and well being, and letting go of the emotional issues that held me hostage for a long time. Once I realized I could just let them go and move on, it helped me find that wellspring of happiness and bliss.

 

I am a big fan of ritual and ceremony (after being an Episcopalian, how can you not be?). For me, whenever I am dealing with a lot of stress or feeling out of sorts, I do a grounding ritual. No, I don’t send myself to time out (although that could be good too!). Instead, I go outside and play in the dirt. I grab a handful of it, and feel it-texture, color, and smell. As I stare at it, I go through my list of troubles and stressors. After I am done, I throw the dirt behind me, and walk away. Its symbolic that these things are now in my past and I am moving forward.

 

Just doing a ritual with a handful of dirt didn’t bring me to where I am in terms of peace and contentment. It took a lot of work and soul searching on my part, and this is an ongoing process. There are many different paths to contentment and peace, and I have found daily meditation, yoga, and doing things that make me happy every day are my path. Think about what is on your path.

So True

The second yama of yoga is truthfulness. In this era of Catfish, bogus social media profiles and a dishonest political system, its getting harder and harder to be honest. One of the most interesting movies I’ve seen in a long time was Ricky Gervais’ the Invention of Lying. It is a very interesting premise-a world where no one lies. However, it is a lot more stressful than people imagined. There are no filters, and people are often cruel and blunt. Religion does not exist, nor is there hope.  Leave it to Ricky Gervais to invent lying, and then the world is a better place.

But is it?

My son lacks the ability to lie. It is one of the double edged swords of beauty/curse that is part of life with autism. Life for him is like living in the alternative world of the Invention of Lying. He can lack tact at times, and tells it like it is. Sometimes, the truth can be incredibly painful and other times, quite refreshing.

Many years ago, there was an episode of Oprah that was about pathological liars. These are folks that seemingly unable to tell the truth. It’s the opposite of living with autism or the wacky world Ricky Gervais dreamt up. If you have ever dealt with one, its frustrating at its very least and destructive at its worst. There is a difference between folks who live in a fantasy world. Patholigical liars lie because at their very roots, they are incredibly insecure.

It must be exhausting, living in a web of lies. You have to keep on lying to cover your tracks. You need to remember the lies that you told and to whom in order to keep the lies going and flowing. The level of betrayal to those who care the most is unbelievable. After a while, its not worth it keeping them in your life, because you never know what’s real and what’s not.

By practicing truthfulness, you aren’t just being honest to others, you are honest to yourself too. How many lies have you told yourself? I know I lied to myself a lot. Just 5 more minutes as I hit the snooze button is one of the most regular. I know in my heart of hearts that 5 minutes turns into a lot more than that. You have to start being brutally honest to yourself first, before you can be honest with others.

Someone Like You

Brahmacharya being constantly aware of the universe, immersed in divinity, divine conduct, continence, celibate when single, faithfulness when married.

Have you ever thought about how life would be if you wound up with your first love (or some other lost love)? Or daydreamed about some movie star/musician/athlete? Are you in a relationship? Then you are not being faithful.

This has been the source of debate in my home lately. To be honest, I don’t want to reconnect with any past relationships. They are in the past for a reason. When those relationships ended, I wished them well and went on with my life. I’m not being mean or anything, it’s just how I feel. They are in the past, and I can’t go back and recreate that ever again. For whatever reason, it didn’t work out, and its life. We are not all meant to be together forever. I am grateful for those relationships, because they contributed to who I am today. In other words, I am no longer the same person I was when I dated that person. I will never be again. You know what-I have no desire to be that person either.

If it wasn’t for that relationship ending in the past, I wouldn’t have gotten married. I wouldn’t have my beautiful home. My dog wouldn’t be mine, nor would my cat. Most importantly, I wouldn’t be a mom to my son. Things happen for a reason, and while there was some initial sadness when relationships ended, in the end, I am grateful. I love the life I am living and wouldn’t trade it for the world. Facebook and social media makes it really easy to go back to the past, for those glory days. It’s a slippery slope. I think those who chose to reconnect with past relationships when they are married are treading into dangerous waters. What good can it bring to your current relationship? How will it enhance your current situation? Will it make your relationship stronger or will it undermine it?

I don’t care how secure you are in your relationship, when your significant other reconnects with a former flame, there are a lot of anxieties and issues that bubble up. It might start out as innocent, but if one party feels threatened or if it feels disrespectful, it needs to stop. It’s a form of unfaithfulness. It will never increase intimacy-in fact it does the opposite. It is even more challenging if this ex has cast a long dark shadow over your relationship. {note: this is true in cases where mutual children are not involved. In those situations, the more friendly the parents are, the easier it is to co-parent} Once that door has been opened, it can never be completely shut and there will be doubts continually cast. Trust is eroded.

You might be thinking-all this from friending someone on Facebook?

Yes. If you had an intimate relationship with someone, it ended and you’ve married another, you have no business being friends with your ex. You have no need to go back to that, unless you are not happy in your current situation-then you need to end your current relationship. Its cheating, albeit on an emotional level. If you can’t be present fully, you shouldn’t be in that relationship. Period.

Pure

 

I took a kundalini yoga workshop several months ago. One of the tenets behind this form of yoga is spiritual purification. There are a lot of ways to achieve it, and some were more do-able in the modern world than others. I do have a family, job and other attachments that keep from spending my day in reverence, prayer and meditation (although that does sound pretty great). I have been able to implement some of the lifestyle into my daily life, and I think its made me a better wife and mom, as well as yogi.

 

One of the precepts is having a healthy daily routine, including eating healthy foods, serving others, the importance of sleep and rest and hygiene. There are some ideas that I thought were crazy at first, but as I have tried them, I realize there are a lot of benefits.

 

One was in regards to hair care. Many kundalini practioners have incredibly long hair, and its really lustrous and beautiful. As part of the kundalini practice, they comb their hair using wooden combs for 5 minutes morning and night (reminds me of Marcia Brady with her hair brushing). Another routine is to massage almond oil into your hair and scalp and let it sit for an hour before showering. Since I started doing that, my hair has gotten thicker and doesn’t break as easily.

 

Another kundalini precept is cleansing the mouth every morning. While most of us brush teeth as part of our morning routine, this is a bit more intense. You are supposed to push your toothbrush into the back of your mouth every morning until you gag to clear the “monkey glands” that are in the back of the throat. Also, you should use a tooth powder prior to brushing with toothpaste. It acts as an astringent, and really does clean your mouth. I also think that since I’ve been doing it, my teeth are cleaner and whiter, despite my love of coffee and tea.

 

Tooth powder

1 part sea salt

2 parts bentonite clay

 

Mix together and store in air tight jar.

 

The other crazy part of a kundalini lifestyle is hydrotherapy. Basically, you massage yourself with almond or sesame oil and take a cold shower. As you massage the oil in the cold water, you are supposed to chant the mantra “Wahe Guru”.  I thought the idea was nuts, until I decided to try it. I don’t take an entirely cold shower, because to me, that is not a pleasant way to get going in the morning. However, I start out with it cold, and there are a lot of benefits. One, my skin has never looked so good! Seriously-my skin is super soft, without using lotion. Two, it does really get the blood flowing and gives as much energy as a tall Starbucks. Three, it really makes you look great. There’s something about overcoming a challenge and succeeding.

 

Your Cheating Heart

One of the most esoteric and challenging yama is brahamcharya, or chastity. Some people look at only one aspect of it, and fail to see the bigger picture. For me, it’s a conservation of energy. One should not waste time and energy on things that don’t serve us. Instead, we should use it for the greater good of ourselves (and the universe!) Its all about balance, which is living life both on and off the mat.

I have struggled with this particular yama for a very long time. I looked at it only as not cheating others, but once I included myself in it, it clicked. By using time sucks-for me things like Facebook and Pinterest-I am wasting energy. It could be energy I could use to play with my son or do a craft project or (gasp!) work out.

One of my biggest energy wasters has been in relation to keeping people in my life for far longer than I should have. I was faithful to the end for these friendships and relationships, but it didn’t serve a greater good. I put my energy and love into them, only to feel rejection and pain. Learning that it was ok to release these relationships has made living my yoga so much easier and positive. There is no need to hang onto anything that doesn’t serve your highest and greatest good.

I spent a lot of time cheating myself out of living my best life. Once I began to list things that I truly valued-family, spiritual practices and ritual, healthy foods, exercise, rest, creativity-and put them at the top of the to do list, I began a new healthy relationship with me. I began to let go of the incidentals. I don’t dress to impress anyone else anymore. Its all about me and my comfort. I stopped living in the periphery and moved front and center.

My non-cheating heart will tell on me that I am living a fabulous life.

B-I-B-L-E

One of yoga’s niyamas is studying sacred texts. I come from a Christian background, so my spiritual text is the Bible. I have been part of Bible studies for a long time, dating back to when I was in high school. I also have been an avid journaler since I was about my son’s age. As I got older, I began to take notes (and then journal) what I was reading in scripture. I think I have as many prayer and scripture journals, as I do for regular ones.

 

Studying scripture is an important part of my spiritual life. As I study, I jot notes, reflections and impressions in my journal. I also take notes during sermons sometimes, especially if something really touches my heart or moves me. Poems, writings from secular sources that relate to the scripture I am studying also get added. All that winds up in my scripture journal. I also add prayer requests and intentions (from my intender’s circle) and answers to prayer.  Sometimes, I add pictures or artwork.

 

I love going back to my old journals and tracking my faith progress, as well as proof that prayers are answered. There are certain passages that seem to reoccur as well, and I love seeing how I’ve grown over the years. Its also a great inspiration for my son-he sees both his parents walking in their faith, and he can feel confident growing in his.

Losing My Religion

 

For the last 28 years, I have been involved with some aspect of teaching Sunday school or youth ministry. I spent three years as the youth director of my church. It was a wonderful experience, but I needed to focus on spending time with my family, not focusing on other people’s families. There were a lot of lessons that I learned during those three years, some good, some bad, some in between.

The most shocking part for me, despite all the years in this calling, was the pulling back of the curtain. It was like that scene in the Wizard of Oz, when you see the wizard in his realness. It isn’t always pretty. After I stepped away from my role, I needed to step away entirely from the church. At first, it was terrifying. My identity for most of my life was that of being Episcopalian. It was the denomination I was married in, it was how I was raising our son. It was like part of me was being ripped out of my soul.

 

There were some advantages too. I had lots more free time. I wasn’t responding to emails or problems. I didn’t have to plan lessons. I could sleep in on Sunday mornings. I was able to attend church with my family. I no longer needed a Sunday afternoon nap (although they still are quite enjoyable). I was able to get out of the spiritual desert I was in.

 

Right now, I don’t have a church home, and that’s ok. I am enjoying worshipping at different churches and listening to different preaching styles. My son is enrolled in CCD at my husband’s church, and is enjoying that. I love not feeling committed either. I like warming the pew, and it has lots of benefit for me right now.

 

Despite not having a church home, I have never felt closer to God than I have over these last 5 or so months. I am finding Him in all sorts of different ways. Walking in the woods, I see His masterpieces. Watching birds soar over head, I can hear Him whispering on their wings. I see His love in the people I love the most. I finally understand, after all these years, what its really like to have a personal relationship with God.