Kind & Generous

I guess this time of year makes me very wistful. The longness and darkness of winter, waiting for the transformation to the glory of spring. The Lenten time of repentance. My dad died 13 years ago on Friday. I can remember everything that I had done that day. He was in hospice at home and I didn't want to do anything except spend more time with him. Big Man convinced me to go to his mother's for dinner that night, for his sister in law's birthday. I did and felt guilty that I was enjoying myself while my dad was dying. That night I had gone home, and was on the phone with a friend when I got the call that he was gone. I called the big man (this was way before we were united in marital bliss) and he went over to my house. Driving to my parents was a blur, and I just remember only having a few minutes to say my goodbyes before the funeral people took him away.
I often think to myself of all that he has missed in the last 13 years out of my life. My career advancement and successes. My wedding-walking me down the aisle, the father daughter dance. I remember my ex best friend's wedding and her dancing to Natalie Merchant's Kind & Generous for her dance with her dad and I just wanted to cry. I knew that it would never be me doing that. He has missed out on being a grandfather and I know that he would just love the little man. Not to mention missing out my sister's childhood. She was only 7 when he died, so she spent her childhood fatherless. It is a hole in your heart that never goes away. The level of pain lessens over the years, but its still there. There will be more milestones that he won't be there for, especially as my sister moves into adulthood. Will the pain lessen more over time?