Pancakes...Yum...

Today is Shrove Tuesday. In some cultures, its called Mardi Gras or Fat Tuesday. In my church, we have a pancake feed and socializing. This year I have an added layer to that-I am on Altar Guild duty so I get to change out the linens and altar frontals and vestments. Its very significant because its a sign that the liturgical season is changing to one of starkness, darkness and piety and that we will emerge triumphant into the spring of Easter.
It is fitting that this seems like the endless winter this year. Once again, the little man has a delayed opening and this time it has canceled his field trip that they were supposed to go on today. I have to go into work 2 1/2 hours later (this with having no paid time off in my bank-I earn it and its gone lately)so I lose that time and get behind on stuff again, and I feel like I am running backwards on a conveyor belt-like the M&M's in that commercial. I just want to feel caught up with everything.
To add to my misery I did something to my upper back on the right hand side. I don't know if I pinched a nerve or did something muscular, but dang it hurts! It goes from right above my shoulder blade to halfway down my back. Its not a dull ache either and it limits my movement. It started yesterday, and after the big man rubbed it a little, it went away but I woke up with it with a vengence this morning. I couldn't even stretch it away. So, its taking a tension spasm to the max. It actually started off yesterday feeling like a migraine traveling down my back (which mine have a tendency to do).
At least my house is clean, and the laundry is caught up. My time off yesterday morning helped with that. I have library books to return and pick up today as well, and of course, the pancake supper at church. I really want my son to have the same feelings towards church that I have. I want him to have that relationship with the Lord that is positive. For most of my life, I feared God and felt I wasn't good enough for Him. I think that had a lot to do with my grandmother telling me that whenever something bad happened, God was punishing me. Add to it the whole penitence thing that got drilled into me-you are a sinner, you must confess-I felt like I was part of the Salem witch trials! In my 20's, I found my way back to the Episcopal church. I say found my way back because I grew up down the street from one and even as a child, I would have conversations with the rector about God and spirituality. I had a deep longing even back then. He patiently answered my questions and helped me work through the doubt that a 10 or 11 year old could have. Then I spent my extended desert journey through Utah, where I struggled with faith more than a teenager should. Fast forward to my 20's, I found a home at Trinity. It wasn't about being involved or whatever. There is something about the liturgy that calms my soul. It speaks to that still, small voice in me and reaches the depths to reassure me.
I want my son to have that same feeling. I want him to feel safe with God, to know that no matter what He won't ever walk away. That no matter what happens, God is there to be our guiding force. I want him to feel he can talk to God just like he talks to myself or his father. I want to reinforce what he's learning in Sunday School-like with a family devotional night. I want us to be a churchy family. However, since God gave us all free will, it seems like 2/3 of my family want to exercise it and not go. But I digress, its just that I want us to do things as a family (in my head, if I wanted to do stuff alone, I never would have gotten married) and when we don't, its somewhat disappointing to me. Just like this upcoming Sunday is family movie day at the outdoor campus (mind you a free event) that my family probably will not be going to-that there is this little thing called tv and wii that are distracting to everyone else but me. I just think it would be fun. Just like story time at Barnes & Noble on Friday nights. Just like the free Fridays at the Pavillion. Just like doing all sorts of other stuff and experience life on so many different levels. I want my little man to experience things outside the four walls of our house. I am not saying that being a homebody is wrong (believe me I am one just as much as others) its just that the more our little man is exposed to life, the more he responds. He does increasingly well dealing with new situations and new groups of people. I want this to continue and for him to be so succesful with life. I love helping him discover his tool box and the tools inside to develop a new way to build his personality. The more we experience, the better it is.
Like, we have issues about bike riding. We're not too thrilled about it but the only way to improve is practice. I have a bike, we have great riding trails here in town, the only thing is transporting our bikes to the park in my car as well as the puppy dog getting exercise too. I can't be walking him and riding my bike at the same time. As well as the aforementioned inability to get my bike to the park in my car. I'm sure I could figure something out with bungee cord or something and make it work. Just like I would love to do family nature hikes on the trails at the outdoor campus. I think it would be a blast and at least myself and the puppy dog would enjoy it. There are so many (free) experiences we can have overall that I think will help the little man grow and develop even more. I want him to be his best, which is I think every parent's goal.
I know that I have been a little selfish when it comes to doing things. Like the whole park thing-I admit that for me it is very boring, and I don't particulary enjoy it so I don't always suggest it. But the little man loves it, and its not fair to him. Like he loves for me to play in the yard with him, but I can be a couch potato and I'll wave from the deck. I am missing out on so much in his life that could help him develop into a better human being by standing on the deck. So I am vowing to myself that I am going to be more involved. I am going to break down that wall that barricades me from living the fullest, best life I can be living and being the best mom I could be. Last summer, he and I had the best time playing together in the water at the town pool and there was an element of trust that we were able to build up together in the water. Those are the moments I live for!