OK Computer

Its amazing how much a little power cord can make me so very happy. I have my power cord and therefore, my laptop back. Oh how I missed you!! I really struggled with using the blackberry to blog and I wound up with pain from overuse of my right thumb.
But all of that is in the past and I am back to being normal again.
Well, as normal as I get.
Yesterday was the third anniversary of being a mom, and the approximate birthday of this blog. Yay for all of that!! This blog has at times been a lifeline for me, because if I didn't get things out I would have burst. Becoming a mother actually was a very scary experience for me. I was (and still am) completely terrified that I was going to muck up the little man's life. There are days when I really struggle with that, and there are days when I really struggle with the whole mommydom lifestyle.
I have a lot of Martha Stewart tendencies. I love to cook, craft, bake, garden, etc. I actually do a great job at most of that. Its just that I impose rules and stuff on all of it. Like I can only do x when y is completed. Its pretty silly to be perfectly honest, and I know that there is a genetic component to it all. My grandmother was the same way she had this strange set of rule to live by and it really kept her in a box. Despite keeping an immaculate house, she never liked to entertain. She didn't want people in her house because they would mess it up. She had all sorts of rules and rituals with life, and looking back on it, its really sad to have lived like that. She couldn't bear to part with things, no matter how useless they were, because of the memory attached or that you might need it someday.
For example, my grandfather had died in 1972. She finally parted with his clothes in the 1980's. She never parted with my aunt's clothes and books after she died. The things don't keep the person alive or keep their memory going. Its just stuff.
I know that probably sounds hurtful or whatnot, but I am not that sentimental over things. I scrapbook my memories, and its a beautiful way to preserve it. I do have a shirt of my dad's (he died in 1996) and I have some of my grandmother's jewelry. All of it is functional and usuable.
After spending a weekend down for the count with strep and then a migraine on top of it, I had a lot of time to kill. Lucky for me, there were marathons of Clean House and Hoarders on tv to pass the time away. I learned a lot about myself and my thought processes from this weekend of someone else decluttering. I know that I have a tendency to surround myself with stuff, and there is an interesting pattern to it all. I buy things that represent a certain lifestyle to me. Like craft supplies I have these projects in my mind, but I don't get around to making them. So in the regard I am hoarding supplies that I am not really using. Its sitting down and doing whatever.
Then there's the nailpolish, make up, hair products, etc that I am not actively using. Some of that goes back to the grama thought process (embedded in my dna) that I have to protect and use sparingly because once its gone, its gone. Then I was being wasteful that I used something in x amount of time. I could never win I either was a wastrel or I didn't appreciate how good I got it (the starving children in Europe mentality). I can actually feel a level of anxiety as I get near the end of make up or whatnot and then I can't finish out the product. In some cases, the stuff goes bad because I am so afraid "wasting" the item. Crazy huh?
I am very conscious of this because I don't want to pass this onto the little man. I want him to feel ok doing and using things. I remember not being able to play with toys as a child because I would "ruin" them. Same thing with clothes, I couldn't wear certain things because I would "destroy" them. In my house, nothing is off limits for the most part. I don't want a museum. I want a house filled with laughter and joy. Yes, I like having a clean house too, but I want happy memories. Not memories of being isolated as a kid because children mess your house up. I could only play outside, in the basement or in a corner of my bedroom so I wouldn't mess up the house. Sure I'd love the little man to pick up after himself more, but there are ok limits to this as well. He is comfortable in his house.
I envy that, and to a certain degree I am still hearing my grama's voice telling me to do this that or another thing. Its actually paralyzed me from doing something because it wouldn't be up to her standards. Over the weekend, despite being sick as a dog I still did the basics to keep up with the house. I did my daily cleaning, and did laundry. As a result, things are in ok shape around here.
This weekend gave me another perspective on things. One of my issues that I struggle with on a daily basis is eating and working out. There is the whole if I can't do it perfectly, then why bother. And so it goes...I don't do what really needs to be done because I can't do it to some crazy imaginary standard. All I really need to do is move more (because it makes me feel good) and eat healthier foods (because it makes me feel good too). The same thing with other things in my life.
Which gets me back to the Martha Stewart premise mentioned earlier. I really am a woman of many talents. I do a lot of things really well. However, a lot of people would never know that because I do a lot of hiding behind life. I also limit myself and don't do things that I enjoy because I didn't live up to a certain standard or whatever. Like I love gardening. I really do and I do a great job at it. But I sell myself short because I just assume people want to hear what I do wrong (and therefore showing modesty, because either a. they will point out what is wrong anyway and/or b. if I show that I am skilled at something, then I am bragging and people won't like me and still point out what is wrong).
Since I have this wonderful internal dialogue running on a regular basis, I just don't do things anymore and when I do them, I am putting out negative vibes and therefore having a self fulfilling prophecy. This needs to stop, because I see the little man picking up on this. I don't want to hear him say he can't do something because of x, because he hasn't really tried.
I want him to be without limits. To try everything. To do it all.
And I want to be who he needs me to be. He mentioned the other day that he wanted me to bake cookies for him, instead of when its a special occassion. "Mommy, I am special too" just pulled at my heartstrings. Same with doing arts and crafts. I just have to break down these self imposed barriers and be with my little man wholly and completely.