Free Fallin'

I've been listening to Pandora on my phone a lot, and on my "station" I heard John Mayer's version of Free Fallin' yesterday, and boy was I impressed. I loved that song every since the scene in Jerry Maguire (I loved that movie until Tom Cruise went all kinds of crazy)but this version was really, really awesome. I think I'm going to have to start using the itunes gift card the princess gave me for my birthday.
The other thing that happened with hearing that song yesterday was a reminder that my life is rather in free-fall mode for a long time. I finally realized something the other day, and it makes perfect sense. I am unabashedly in love with my husband and son. Sure, there are issues from time to time-which happens in all relationships-but the overwhelming feeling is love. However, I don't hear most of the other women I know talking about their husbands especially in a positive light, or even their children. I began to think that there is something wrong with me, that obviously I am not seeing the whole picture or something.
As I struggled with this, I began to notice that there were other things that began to shift in my life. I noticed this whole shift in everything, from housework and cooking to taking care of my body. It wasn't pretty, lets put it that way. Its like I am almost embarrassed that I have a happy life.
So, what brought this on? An innocent comment the other night. A fellow mom mentioned to another mom something about my facebook status updates...it was something about me being superwoman or something and that my status updates don't boost self esteem or something because I seem too perfect. The other mom made a snarky comment about things aren't always what they seem. The sad thing is, they are the truth and that really is my life. I really do all that stuff most days. The days I don't, I don't post.
Its amazing how many people want to steal joy from others, and the fact that they are successful at it is even scarier. I would never, ever, EVER complain about my son or his behavior to strangers or fellow moms yet I hear this all the time from others. It saddens me to think that if you are going to talk about your child like that in public, what are you going to do at home?
That being said, I am not afraid to admit that even though the big man does some things that drive me crazy (and that goes part and parcel with a marriage) and I do the same to him, at the end of the day we love each other and have each other's backs. And I am not embarrassed to admit that my son absolutely loves us and we love him and are very open about that. I can go on for hours with just how awesome that little boy truly is. I can't stand hearing moms going on about their child's faults-to virtual strangers no less!-and calling them little sh**s and worse...it just breaks my heart, to know that they would say those things about the most precious thing in their lives.
I try to do all that I can to make my son-and my husband-have the best home life and be happy. Sure, I struggle with the whole homemaking thing-but its a family struggle I might add, I am not the only one who has a hard time with the whole pick up after yourself blah blah blah. I think that happens in most families, so we are in no ways unique. And I noticed my attitude towards housework has gradually changed over the last few years, where it went from me seeing it as a way to bless my family (who doesn't like have clean clothes and a tidy play area?)to yet another item on an ever-expanding to do list. I go through the motions, but there isn't any LOVE behind it. There has been a lot of the zombie like life recently, where I've trudged through things but not really making the most of it.
Actually, I've been zombified for a long time. It really sucks, because I've realized how much I am truly missing out on. There have been moments where I come alive, but its rather few and far between. No consistency, and it really hurts not only me but my family over all. Yes, I am tired. Very, very tired. And I do it to myself over and over. I don't take care of myself, and I think it goes hand in hand with the whole attitude that I don't want to admit to the world how giddy I am. Basically, if I don't take care of myself, and I don't do the things that I need to do everyday to lead a great life, then I won't have to embarrassed by how happy I truly am inside. I mean the whole thing is by not eating healthy, by not working out consistently, and all else its almost like a penance for being happy. Its an odd way of looking at things, but its true. I feel like I have to atone for being in love and loving my life.
Why, why why?????
Oh yeah, because somehow there is this thought that I don't deserve happiness. I guess because I am surrounded by Debbie Downers its has finally rubbed off on me. Its really sickening to think that I've let these people affect my life this much. Its not going to be easy to change now ingrained patterns in my life, but I will work on it.
Obviously today I will not be working out, but that's ok. I will start tomorrow. Honestly I will. I see the pumlonogist today, and I am hoping that the whole asthma thing will get back under control. My maintenance medicine I don't think is working anymore. I've been on it basically since 1998, so after 12 years maybe its time for a change. But I am not an expert, so...we'll find out. And my sinuses have been so clogged and congested for the longest time it doesn't help for deep breathing. But working out betters my breathing. And when I work out, I eat better. When I eat better, I drink more water. When I drink more water I feel better. When I feel better, I accomplish more. When I accomplish more, I am unstoppable.
And it goes to the whole taking care of myself overall. I mean, taking care of my body leads to taking care of my mind. And my appearance. Its so odd to think that I put off getting my hair cut (a simple procedure) because of some sort of self-flagellation. There are all these things that keep piling up, and it all goes back to my central thesis. I am embarrassed on many levels by the fact I love my family very much, due to peer pressure.
I've been very blessed as well with others who are positive role models, and for that I am incredibly grateful. But, it seems as if the negative voices are louder and more raucous. So, I have to work on tuning them out and instead listen to those still, small voices that are positive and encouraging.
Its time to stop free falling and soar.