Closing Time

“Every new beginning is another beginning’s end”-Semisonic, Closing Time





I’ve realized that I am now a grown up, and it’s a rather painful process. Its like I’ve blinked and I am no longer 25. Displacement of self to the nth degree, which in itself is a scary prospect.



And its closing time on yet another chapter of my life. I need to put what needs to be in the past, in the past and move ever forward. Into the past, I am putting misery, lack of self esteem and unhappiness. I am also adding exhaustion, bad health habits and anger. I am tired of living in the past and in the shadows of guilt, shame and exhaustion.



This is a scary first step, but I have been told that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I am going into the darkness, but I do see a tiny pinpoint of light up ahead. The only way that I will be able to embark on this journey is with God’s help and grace.



I am not a bad person by any stretch of the imagination, yet I have been living like I am. For being overburdened by guilt and shame, none of which truly belongs to me. I am tired of the negativity that takes over my life and seems to run amok. The Enemy always looks for an entrance into our lives, and boy did he ever find a strong hold in me. In looking for modesty, I have found false humility to the point where I am so modest that I am self-deprecating and negative.



I am not responsible for other people’s misfortune. I am not responsible for their happiness or unhappiness. I can’t change their psyches. I can only change my reaction to them, and for some people they may not be pleased with this new soul. I think I’ve been fairly predictable to people for most of my adult life. Being so eager to please, I’ve gone out of my way to do things for others, without taking myself and my sanity into account.



But, here I am, years on and still fighting the same demons. Honestly, I am wearied from the fight and am looking to just rest and have peace in my life. I make lists and plans, but they won’t matter much if I don’t make the decision to fully implement them in my life. Its that surrender of control that is ever so hard for me. I’ve chosen to be a control freak because its how I deal with life. If you aren’t trusting of others to provide for you and take care of you and meet your needs, then chances are you are a control freak. And that is where I am right now in my life. I am so afraid that my needs aren’t going to be met, that I start trying to make things happen in my world, and I expand so much energy trying to control everyone and everything that I never meet my needs anyway. So, its an exercise in futility.



I can either carry on this way or I can force myself to make a positive change in my world. And I am choosing to make a positive change. I can’t be using others as an excuse-especially in a passive/aggressive manner that I’ve been doing it. From this day forward, I will accept a compliment for that, a compliment. I will not make an excuse (for example-“what a cute outfit!”. My usual response would be oh, I got it on sale or this old thing or something that devalues the compliment. What a slap in the face of the person who is giving the compliment.


Its closing time for all those feelings of negativity and pain and all that. Each new beginning is another new beginnings end-words to live by