The End of the Road

I finally did it-the stuff that I packed up to donate is gone. Gone, baby gone. It felt like this incredible relief-knowing that I could declutter my home (its still an ongoing process) and get the stuff out the door and gotten rid of.
I won't lie, it was on the traumatic side. Some of these items held painful memories-and I held onto that pain for as long as I held onto those items. I had a lot of emotions tied into these things-from different times in my life, from different seasons, and I let these emotions cloud over my life. Part of it is anger, anger that I wasted money on junk, anger on letting these things control me, anger for holding onto items that mean pain and trauma to me.
But that chapter is behind me now, and I am moving right along and starting over.
Today is a detox day-detoxing from the junk I've been eating and starting over with a healthier lifestyle. More fruits and vegetables, less processed and refined foods. It means more cooking and more planning, but for the Big Man and I, it will be so worth it. I need to make sure I have a healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch and great snacks. I need to balance things out (protein with carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables, etc). Basically, I just have to remind myself that this is all worthwhile because I love myself. I love my family more than words, and since I love them, its important that I make the effort to take care of me. I am not a big fan of diets or diet programs, but the Zone plan has been easy for me to follow (and not have to do a lot of thought process with).
http://zoneperfect.com/nutrition-program/get-started
I will admit I have been overweight for about the last 10 or so years. Part of it is due to Humpy, and part of it is due to the fact that I am not eating foods that fuel me properly. I am sporadic, hit or miss. Nothing has been consistent, and a lot of that goes to not truly caring about myself enough (and by extension, not truly caring about my family). It really manifests itself on a lot of levels. How I look, how I eat, how I exercise, how I live my life in general.
I am a lucky gal, because I have the love and support of my boys and that they are willing to stand behind me 110%, no matter what. I could be 500lbs and they would still love me and all. I think part of it is subconsiously, I keep testing. If I gain more weight or don't keep up the house, will you still love me? If I don't take care of me, the house, the yard, whatever-at what point will you stop loving me? Its like this mental game. I want to see how far I can go...before unconditional doesn't exist anymore.
So, here I am, at 40, revitalizing my life. I truly am at a crossroads. Do I want to be unhealthy and as miserable for the second half of my life as I was for the first 4 decades? Or do I want to be my best-for me and for my family?
I am trending towards the latter. I want to be happy, healthy and whole. I do not want to wind up in the health sewer in the next 20 years. I do not want to be crippled by arthritis, or hampered by my asthma worsening, or wind up with high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and all these other health problems caused by obesity. I don't want to build a wall of clutter and crap to isolate me. I am tired of being tired all the time, to be perfectly honest. I've spent so much time and energy on excuses why something isn't happening, that I could have done the very thing I am trying to avoid.
I am just tired and frustrated by the fact I've allowed my life to get to this point.
So, I either start over or I keep treading water.
Today, I am choosing to start over and get my health back. I want to be my best because my boys need it and deserve it. And I need it and deserve it, most of all.
I've chosen to break down some walls and barriers. I've also chosen to make my health, home and family a priority. I need to review everything within the framework of whether or not it fits with my 3 (happiness, joy and peace). I am tired of putting out negative vibes into the universe. Its that whole rule of three (whatever you put out there you get back threefold) and I am so tired of all this negative energy circulating around me. It violates my 3 principles-because if you are negative, you are not going to find happiness, joy and peace in your world.
And I want to follow my bliss. its the end of the road for negativity, unhealthy lifestyle choices, and not really taking care of myself, my home or family.