I am Trying to Break Your Heart

Its Thursday, and day 3 of the great room swap has been completed. Painting is done, the new ceiling fan is installed and new curtains are hung. Closet is ready for the clothes to be hung in there. Next up will be the border, once it arrives, and the frame around the white board so the little man can write on his wall. Finally, actually moving the furniture and letting the little man enjoy his new room.
I am so excited for him! He really deserves a big boy space, since he is growing up so fast.

And its breaking my heart on so many levels. He's almost 8, so he is much more self aware, and is wanting more independence. I on the other hand, am having some issues with that-and its hard for me to let go. A few years back, we were told by several "experts" that he wouldn't be able to do x, y & z. Of course, I didn't believe them, because I saw the potential in my son. And he consistently proves these experts wrong. He acts like any other kid his age, albeit a little more emotional sometimes.

But, we all grow up at some point.

I do want to enjoy his childhood, and being his mom, but I also have a bunch of things that I've been focusing on-and they all steal my attention from him. First and foremost, I need to get the house back together. After the great purge this week, I have a ton of stuff to drop off and donate. Tomorrow night will be a road trip to donate things and get them out of my basement. Its very exciting for me! Its one thing to pack stuff up, but its another entirely to actually get rid of it.

Once I get all the junk out of here, it will be easier to keep stuff clean and tidy. Keeping it clean and tidy I think will lead to more peace and harmony in my house. I realized in another of my great shower epiphanies, that its been a few years since I didn't deal with chronic back pain and was at peace. Its been a while since I actually felt like myself. I don't enjoy being angry all the time, and I definately don't enjoy being a bad mommy. Childhood is too short, and I want to be an active part of my son's childhood-I don't want to be a spectator.

We've been so scattered and disorganized. Actually, just really me and by extension the little man. Due to his work hours, the big man has been immune to all this insanity. Add to it, I've been trying to "control" other people's lives, obviously without much success. Living with this much frustration has been, well, frustrating. I can't make people do things that they have no interest in doing. Trying to get them to see things my way obviously doesn't work, all it does is upset me more. And I don't want that. I just want peace, harmony and joy in my life.

It seems like an elusive pursuit, but I know its possible because I had it before. I've had that peace and joy and harmony in my life and it wasn't that long ago. I know that I can bring back the joy, and that is the direction I am heading towards again. I have a hard enough time managing my own life, so I can't manage anyone else's.

That being said, I am looking forward to the next few weeks where things get put back together and get back on track. I need to paint the soon to be art studio, not sure what color yet. I am also looking forward to having space to do things with my son, who really, really, REALLY wants to do things with me. Just eliminating all the cocoon of stuff that has insulated me has allowed me to dream big again, and actually look forward to doing stuff with him.

I just need to get through the next two days, and be able to get the living room cleaned out from toys, toys and more toys. I also need to get the kitchen tidied up again (and keep it that way). But most of all, I need to spend time with my boys (especially the little one) and enjoy every minute of it.