All By Myself

I am in the mood to rant this morning. I heard through the support network grapevine yesterday that another autism family has been blown apart. The divorce rates amongst families of autistic children is 10 times the national average.
10 times.
Your liklihood of having a happy marriage AND an autistic child is almost non existent. Think about it, we basically have to choose between our child or our spouse.
So, another family has been torpedoed by an autism diagnosis, and living with it.
I am one of the lucky ones, supposedly. My son has language skills, he doesn't exhibit a lot of outward behaviors, and is in a regular class at school. It is wonderful, and I spent a lot of time when he was younger developing his social skills. But it is exhausting. Constantly reminding him what needs to be done, over and over, grinds on me.

Its not that I don't have a lot to do normally either. I work full time at a mentally and emotionally demanding job and basically another 25 hours or so for the church. I love both roles, and I think that I am pretty darn good at both of them. I have a home to take care of, and of course my family. Me time consists of getting up at 5 AM to work out and lots of naps. I am spent, and there is nothing in the reserve tank.
This, I have since discovered, is common amongst spectrum mommies. Im sure fathers feel the same things, but its not as evident.
Spectrum mommies have the world on their shoulders, and believe me its pretty darn heavy.
People ask me how things are, and today is my time to tell them all:
I am tired and frustrated, most of the time. I try to convince my kid EVERY NIGHT that sitting down and doing homework is a good thing. I have to convince him into the shower, reason him off to bed. Daily. I cojole him to get dressed for school in the morning. I coax him out of bed. Its exhausting.
I am tired of going it alone, and its starting to show. I am tired of putting on a happy face all the time, and pretending that all is well in the world, because its not. The reality is, while I do feel in my heart, my kid is capable of anything he sets his mind to, he is limited by his autism. Kids are starting to notice that he is different, and its starting to show up on the playground. he says he doesn't like school because he is getting picked on. Its just going to get worse as he gets older. I am already starting to see him to be desperate to be liked, which inevitably will result in him doing stupid things to fit in.

I see the handwriting on the wall.
And I am tired of pretending that all is ok. Its not. My kid will never be like your kid, and somedays frankly, that sucks. You can not give me parenting advice because you don't know what my life is truly like. That, despite my best efforts to do yoga and drink my sleepytime tea and practice aromatherapy massage and pray and meditate before bed, I actually just collapse into it.

For real.
I plan out my life to the most minute detail, because it gives me a sense of control while its all spiraling downward. So, if something deviates from my plan, it does set me off. Menu planning is my big thing...if I can get everyone to eat, I can pretend all is normal.
But what's not normal is the fact that my 8 year old can't tie his shoes, and buttoning a shirt is a challenge for him. He sees the world very differently and doesn't understand why everybody else isn't in love with hot wheels and angry birds as he is. He doesn't get that there are other rules for things, other than his and why does he have to conform to them?
Don't get me wrong. I deliberately chose this life and this child. I would give everything up for him and lay down my life for him. To me, there is no difference from the fact that I adopted him rather than giving birth to him. A mother's love is the same.

However, there is a layer of frustration and anger that winds its way through my life. I admit, that there is a lot of why God going on in my soul. God, why did you give my son this disorder? God, why isnt there more being done for autism? God, why was infertile (and believe me, there is a lot to that still) and couldn't I have a child of my own? God, why do I constantly feel that I am not good enough to be doing it all?
My prayer life has virtually disappeared over the years. Part of it has to do with the fact that the big man & I share different religious beliefs and actually belong to different churches. In my mind, its a little tiny cut every week when we don't go to church together as a family. I've gotten used to it over the years, but it still hurts. Just because you've accepted something doesn't mean that it isn't painful.

Prayer was the one thing that got me through some of the darkest chapters of my life. I know that during those moments in the valley of shadows, G-d was with me. But I feel that He is so far away right now and that I am going through this all alone. I feel abandoned on a lot of levels.
And talking with other spectrum mommies, this is all too common.