I would never have a baby shower.
I would never get to wear cute maternity clothes, like Liz Lange’s line at Target
I would never get to decorate a nursery.
I would never get to name a child.
I wouldn’t inhale that sweet baby smell.
I wouldn’t be present for all their firsts and milestones, and every day miracles.
I could never complain about losing the pregnancy weight. I would just be fat because I was lazy and ate too much.
I would never give life to someone else.
It’s a lot of I’s in those statements, but it’s the truth. Infertility stinks. I feel like a failure of a woman, that I am less than because I could not do the one great thing women are supposed to be able to do. There are a lot of less than sympathetic women out there too. I have actually had people act like I was contagious because I couldn’t have kids of my own. It’s a very lonely journey too.
I can’t tell you the number of times I would go into the bathroom and just cry. Or go for a run or a drive and let go of heaving sobs. No one I knew could understand what I was going through because they either had kids of their own or were childless by choice. I wish during all that time that people would reach out and just hug me. I didn’t need to hear any one else’s miracle stories, or about how wonderful adoption could be, or maybe if we just stopped trying so hard, or maybe God had other plans.
I know He did.
Adoption is a wonderful gift and I truly love my son as if I gave birth to him myself, but there always is that what if longing. What if we had started “trying” sooner. What if I had seen a different doctor. All the what if’s…Its been hard to reconcile myself to the fact that I will never know those true maternal feelings, and quite frankly, I am not quite there yet. Add to it, on a lot of levels I still don’t feel like a real mom. Heck, one school mom told me so much that I wasn’t one because I didn’t give birth. I’ve also had people look at me and tell me that I am so brave because I am raising someone else’s problem. Or they ask what’s wrong with my child that he was up for adoption.
Time does soften the raw edges of wounds. I know my Heavenly Father thought it was better for me to love children that were harder to find a forever family for. I know that He had the infinite wisdom to put us in the right place at the right time for the right kiddos. I may have never had the baby side of things, I have had some of the more wonderous moments. I witness miracles on a daily basis in my own home.
Whenever I make a baby gift, I do find myself making it through a veil of tears. That is not to say that I don’t put my heart and soul into making them, its just a little more cathartic each time. Each one is a small step towards wholeness and healing.