For a good chunk of my life, things came easily to me. I was, for a lack of a better term, a golden child. I was successful in school, popular, pretty, what ever. I had the Midas touch a lot of the time. As I have gotten older, that golden touch is as lusterous as it once was, but its still there somewhat. However, I am finding that I am less and less successful at getting what I want.
I used to be decisive, and now I find myself second guessing everything that I do, from nail polish colors to outfits to cleaning.
I would cook dinner and people would rave about it. Now I am lucky if I am the only one who likes what I made.
I am stuck.
I was visiting with an aquaintance of mine the other day after yoga class.
She looked at me and said straight up, you need to get over that baby stuff.
Huh? Oh yeah, the bottled up emotion over infertility, which has been defining my life since we started trying for a family. My life was consumed with checking my temperature, making charts, taking medications to make me ovulate, taking medications to change my hormonal balance, etc. etc. etc. I have to admit that I never once gave up hope until I had my hysterectomy this past December.
She mentioned that the fact that I gained back all the weight I lost post op, and the fact that it has settled into my belly making me look pregnant.
I looked down and had to agree that I do look pregnant.
She is a holistic healer and reiki expert.
She and I talked over some coffee what I need to do to get over this and move on.
I have to make a list of all that I am frustrated with, from simple things like traffic to the really, really big things like infertility and the finality of surgery.
I also have to list my blessings daily, to remind myself of what is good in my life.
I need to find my center daily, and look for peace.
I also need to remind myself why I am eating and exercising.
I need to let go of my greatest sense of pain, either in reality or symbolically.
And never look back.
Honestly, I don't know if I am quite ready to do all of the above yet, but I am ready to start on that journey.
You can't always get what you want. Sometimes, you get what you need.