Friday, April 13, 2012

Some Girls Do

During the bulk of my life, I have tried to do good. When people ask me what I do, I tend to say “work at making the world a better place”. That philosophy has served me well. I won’t recount all that I am involved with or do, because its not about that. For the most part, I am not looking to store up treasure on Earth, or do things in the public eye for recognition. Like the Scripture states in Matthew 6:6-

when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you

I have been rewarded in great measure. My blessings abound, and most of all include good health, abundant resources and an amazing son. However, there is this nagging doubt that I have all that I want or deserve. I keep pushing aside feelings and the more I do, the more I feel like I am suffocating.

Now that my son is older and quite self sufficient, I theroretically have more time. I should have more time to clean. I am reminded quite frequently of the dust build up on light fixtures and in corners and heating registers. I should have more time to cook, bake and putter. However, just the mere thought of all that makes me want to nap. Its not depression, its not anxiety, it’s a feeling of being blah. Yes, I am tired all the time. Its an exhaustion in my bones and sinews and tissues and muscles.

I think deepening my yoga practice did stir a lot of this up, and helped them bubble to the surface. These feelings are nothing new, other than they are tangible. I can truly feel them.

There are times when I feel like I am watching someone else’s life, and experiencing displacement of self. This is both good and bad. Good that I am FEELING something, bad for the same reason. There Is so much that I stifled over the years, that now its like a volcanic explosion coming out.

Why did I suppress these feelings in the first place?

To keep the peace.

Its not nice for a good girl to feel like that

You’re a nice girl, you shouldn’t think or talk like that

And so on…

So, the energy expended to keep these feelings submerged has exploded as well in one bright burst, like a supernova. After that, I have literally been drained for the last several weeks. The well is dry, and I think its because I have yet to truly deal with those emotions in question. I keep swallowing words and feelings, because nice girls don’t do things like tell people off, even if we really really REALLY want to. Or that its not self indulgent to hire a cleaning woman once a month to do the really grubby things. Or you are not some sort of stuck up individual if you take care of yourself by eating healthy, exercising and getting your hair and nails done. It doesn’t matter who else does or doesn’t do those things because its YOU.

I can pinpoint the moment it happened. I was in camel pose. My back was arched, and as I reached back with my hands-trying to touch my heels-I felt an explosion in my spine and chest. It was like a bomb went off. I immediately thought that I had herniated a disc, so I got out of the asana, but I was ok. That’s when I realized I had stretched just right, had my mind open enough that I was able to let these feelings go.

I had to get back into the pose.

It hasn’t happened again, which is somewhat disappointing. I know that there is more there that can go away, but I guess the time is not right. I just got rid of the last 20 years of pain, suffering and emotional fog. I know that there is more there, like a geologist exploring the different layers of rock, each strata of pain and suffering is another layer to be explored.

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