Heavy

I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. One of my most palpable early memories of childhood was wanting to play with two girls in preschool at the Y and being told I couldn’t play with them because I was fat. I think I was about 4, and that conversation has stuck with me for 39 or so years. It was the first time I had any body awareness, and at that moment, I was told my body was bad.

In my life, I have been very thin (and dealing with disordered eating to maintain that weight) to where I am today, which is my heaviest-along with many stops in between. Up until recently, my son never noticed my size. However, he recently discovered that I was fat. In fact, he is quite obsessed with the fact I have a double chin. I am peppered with questions about why my chin isn’t noticeable and why there is fat in between my neck and chin.

To add more insult to injury, I was talking with another mom at school and I mentioned that I was excited to try a new yoga class. She looked at me, with an incredulous expression, and said, “you do yoga?” I said, yes, and in fact, I taught it too. After several more questions, I guess she was finally convinced that a larger woman can not only practice yoga but teach it.

Body shaming seems to be running rampant on the web lately. With Facebook especially, there are a lot of pages that seem to exist for the sole purpose of pointing out how “fit” someone is-and how much you are not. I remember how traumatic my teenage years were, especially when you didn’t always fit in, and I could not imagine having social media document it. Being a teenager-especially a female-today is very difficult. Being an adult woman is also difficult. I keep reminding myself that those who are judging others are doing it mainly because they are mirroring their insecurities in others. They seem to have forgotten what the Gospelist Luke wrote: Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you won’t be condemned. (Luke 6:37)

For me, the radical shift came when I decided I was done with dieting and working out. I was living in a state of lack and deprivation. I couldn’t eat certain foods and I had to burn x calories and so on and so on. Discovering I had food sensitivities allowed me to focus on my health, not how many calories are in a particular product. I stopped saying I can’t eat such a such thing. Instead, I reframed it by saying, I am choosing not to eat this because I am focused on my health. I don’t work out anymore, I am moving my body because I am focused on my health. This paradigm shift is helping me focus on what’s important (my healthy) versus a short term, temporary fix (looking good, fitting into a particular outfit). I stopped shaming my body, and began loving it