Complete Control

The Little Man is not very little anymore. In fact, he’s almost as tall as I am! 

He is officially done with grade school, 

and off to middle school this fall. Now that he’s “grown up”,

 there are a lot of changes happening at home. I can no longer send him to the couch or naughty corner for time out, because he’s an incoming 6^th grader.

 Taking away toys or ipad time isn’t always effective, and sometimes I think it’s not really teaching him anything. I am fortunate that he’s a really good kid. My son rarely if ever lies. If he comes across something questionable on you tube or on line, he will bring it to our attention almost immediately. We try to keep the lines of communication open and no topic is really off limits.

That being said, he can still be naughty-he’s still a kid and still learning and exploring his world. Add to it, autism and that can just amp up things. Over the years, we have tried a variety of parenting methods  and styles, but wind up in the same place most of the time-frustrated and dealing with the same behaviors and issues over and over again. Part of the problem is how he sees and interacts with the world. Nothing can ever completely overcome sensory challenges, but we can do our best to limit them. As time has gone on, I for the most part, can figure out what is a kid being a kid vs. autism/sensory behaviors.

One thing that has worked for us, and continues to work is using Beyond Consequences. It is a parenting methodology designed for families dealing with reactive attachment disorder. I am not comparing autism to RAD, but there are some commonalities with the rages and meltdowns and behavioral concerns. Being able to divorce myself from my own emotional state at the moment I can help him  understand why what he did was the wrong choice. Much of the time its either we are asking him to make a transition from one activity to the next (transitions are super hard for him) or to do something he doesn’t enjoy (like homework or cleaning his room). By validating his feelings, we are letting that connection take place and even solve the problem at hand together.

I am not saying this happens all the time, but when it does, its magic.

 

Here’s a real life example of just how awesome this exchange can be:

 

Scene: hanging out in the living room, little man is playing on his ipad. I am reading a book and listening to music. I remind him he needs to practice piano. [this is a transition from one activity to the next]

 

Meltdown ensues.

 

I ask why he’s upset. He responds he never gets to have any fun. Lots of crying and yelling.

 

I can either respond in kind or take a deep breath. I choose the latter.

 

I tell him, I understand that you are upset. You got to play your game after dinner. It’s now time to practice piano, and then you can go back to your game. I know it’s hard for you to go from one thing to the next.

 

He continues to be angry and yelling at me. [note: this is common autistic behavior. He is not in control of his emotions and can’t help it] I let him rage for a little bit. He knows he’s safe, and I make sure there isn’t any self harm or anything potentially dangerous.

It can be uncomfortable. It is painful to watch someone you love unconditionally to be that upset over something (that I think anyway) is trivial.

After a bit, he calms himself down and is “regulated”. At this point, we can get to the core of why he is upset. He tells me he wanted to get to the next level on his game, and it would take a few more minutes to get there. At this point, we discuss what would have been a better way to communicate this to me, and he said that next time he will tell me that he wants to finish the level. I get a giant cuddle.

 

I let him finish the level, and he goes on to practice piano for the next 45 minutes (15 minutes longer than I ask him to practice). The next day, we are in the same situation, and instead of a meltdown, he comes across the room, shows me his game. He spends the next 10 or so minutes sitting next to me, explaining the game and including me in something precious to him.  He goes on to finish the level before practicing piano.

 

If I had just forced the issue originally and taken away his ipad, the meltdown would have been worse. It would have gone on for a long time, at a high intensity, and nothing would have been gained. The piano would not have been practiced. I would be spent, he would be spent, our house in chaos.

 

Beyond Consequences doesn’t always work, but even when it fails miserably, we still are able to maintain that connection. My son is learning to reason out his behavior and figuring out what works and what doesn’t. For that, I am grateful.

Oh, and cuddles too.