Nothing but Flowers

I've struggled for years with the thought that I need to achieve x to be happy. It didn't matter what x was, be it a relationship, losing weight, whatever, I needed to grab that brass ring in order for happiness to arrive.

You know what? I'm still waiting.

The other day I had a revelation. I can be happy, without all that external stuff. In the last 7 months, I've watched my whole world crumble. Who I was and what my place in the world was in October is not true anymore in July. That's a bitter pill to swallow, and I'm still processing all of that. What I do know is nothing will ever be the same again, and I'm trying to adjust to the new normal. There is so much uncertainty and unsettledness in my life, but I'm making a conscious choice to be happy despite it all. 

Every day, it's going to be a decision. Do I want to wallow in self pity or do I want to be my best self? I'm choosing the latter. I can't control the outside world, but I can control me and my reactions to it. I am choosing joy. If those around me don't, that's on them. I can't make them follow my path, for it is not theirs to walk. 

I know that things come into my life and can be put into one of two categories-a blessing or a lesson. What's happened, happened. People make their own choices, and no matter how much I try to cover them with love and grace, sometimes that's just not enough. I've got to do things for my own soul and sanity. I've expected people to treat me the same as I treated them. News flash: that didn't work out for me. If I want a party, I'm going to have to plan it. If I want to be healthy, I'm going to have to do it on my own. I'm not going to have a squad out there with me. I need to stop waiting for others to be a part of everything I want, because they've made their intentions clear. I just need to take off my blinders.

I can't force people to be in my life when they chose not to be. Begging is beneath me, yet I'm so guilty of it. Im guilty of not setting and maintaining strong boundaries. I've allowed people to treat me as an afterthought, rather than being their front and center. I've put up with a lot of crap, because of a distorted view on who I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to act. It's hard to say that I've wasted time, but I have.

Not any more. 

Today, I'm planting my garden.