Tuesday, September 11, 2007


I am feeling better and better each passing day. Its amazing to think that just a few weeks ago I could barely get out of bed, and here I am feeling great and looking forward to everything my life has to hold. I don't know what the seachange was, but I am quite appreciative of it.
For the first time in a long time, I noticed that sun rising on my way to work. Driving down the highway, seeing hints of pink and fuscia, illuminating grey clouds hovering near the horizon. Trees backlit by brilliant hues, transfixing them into the foreground. Golden hues of sunlight peeking through the clouds like laser beams tracking to the ground.
It was a spectacular sight. And I noticed it today.
I was practicing mindfullness and a constant sense of awareness for a while and then I just one day stopped. I felt so much better when I was doing this, and I seemed in tune to everything. I have this habit of stopping things that benefit me or that I enjoy. I seem to spend energy looking for excuses why I shouldn't do something, instead of focusing the energy on what I wanted to be doing anyway. I deny myself pleasure time and time again, like I constantly need to be punished for things. Its like I am consumed with guilt over being happy. Somewhere deep in my psyche, I was severely wounded. I vaguely remember being told to not stand out so much by teachers. Maybe it was jealousy, I don't know. I am just tired of hiding behind it all and using my past as excuse. We are all wounded.

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