Friday, September 28, 2007

Losing my Religion

This past week has been one of transition for me. I've been thinking a lot about who I am and what kind of life have I been living. I know that for a long time I have not been incredibly authentic, which is sad. I have not been who I've meant to be. I think a lot of the conflict and anger that I feel inside of me is related to that inner mess. I am angry because I am not being myself. I have to admit, publically for the first time, that I am not who I've been acting like. In reality, I support gay rights, animal rights and environmental causes. I believe in global warming. I feel that the Patriot Act and wiretaps without warrants are an infringement on our civil rights. I will admit that economically, I am a Regan conservative. I also feel that we need to have a strong national defense and need to do something to protect our country and prevent another 9/11. I also believe something needs to be done to eliminate poverty and hunger. We need to limit our carbon footprints. We need to have national healthcare for all. And housing. And adequate transportation. We need to stop teaching our kids to take tests and actually teach them.
I feel that I have had to hide some of my more socialist leanings from my husband. He's so conservative he makes Rush Limbaugh look like a liberal. I guess I am just afraid to admit this to him-yes, even after 15 years I am a big chicken. I am afraid that he won't love me anymore. Actually, this is a real fear.
I've been living with this fear for a very long time. In fact, there was a point in time where this did happen, and I felt like my life was over.
Just like I really don't want to admit to him that I miss the Episcopal church. I miss the services and the fellowship. I didn't want to leave, but I did for his sake.
I hate having long hair. I would love to have my sexy shag back, but my husband loves my hair long. And so it is.
I am actually very unhappy with various aspects of my life. Its been simmering for a long time. Its like I had to become someone else to feel loved, and now I am miserable in my starring role. I don't think its fair to my family or myself to continue being like this. I am so tired of pretending that it just exhausts me. Maybe that's why I am so tired all the time, because I am tired of being someone I am not. It's not easy and it's not fun. Instead of just having fun and living my life, I feel like I have to be careful and not say something or do something "wrong". I miss being the independent woman that I used to be. I look in the mirror and I am looking at a stranger.
I took a deep breath and became someone I really didn't know anymore.
Now I am exhaling and rediscovering who I am.

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