A Blizzard Awaits...

We have a blizzard that is supposed to move in later today. For the first time in my adult life, I am looking forward to said blizzard. Big Man was kind enough to go grocery shopping yesterday for me (hes been doing a lot of that lately)He's been doing a lot of things for me like cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. While its been a help, its also been a hinderence because its the whole "he's not doing it the way I would". I know I should be grateful and accept his help and not complain. But I do and I feel horrible about it.
I know that thanks to said blizzard I am going to be forced to slow down things and I can get some stuff done around the house. I plan on getting some sleep-thats the biggest thing for me. And I have cleaning to do. I need to get back on track with that. For about 8 or 9 years I have sporadically followed Fly Lady. I found out about her on the Martha Stewart bulletin board. I slowly implemented things, and when I faithfully fluttered I did ok. But then I think that I am bigger or better than the whole program and then I crash and burn.
Basically with Fly Lady the whole mantra is you can do anything for 15 minutes. When tackling a really big project, you work 15 minutes, relax 15 minutes and so on. Big Man picks on me about the resting 15 minutes. But he knows it works in keeping our house clean and me sane.
The other thing I've done for years is the annual cleaning grand plan. You start in January and for a few months, each week you focus on one room in your house and get it clean top to bottom (the kind of cleaning that lingers on the to do list forever-like washing walls, etc)its a great way to start the year and transition into spring cleaning.
The third piece of the puzzle is the holiday grand plan, which I have done for about 10 years, except for this one and I am seeing the difference. Big time. I just couldn't get into things this year. Basically you start in August and plan the end of your year week by week. I really wasnt into anything this year period. Nothing has been mailed that needs to be mailed, including a wedding & shower gift from September, birthday presents from the year, and just mass chaos in general. I just felt stagnant all year.
I mean the whole thing is I am treading water and I know I can do so much better. I know I am capabale of it and I've done better in the past. My family deserves better and I really can do more.
I met with my life care coach yesterday, and we talked about where I am right now and what my action plan is for the next month...and believe you me it was not a great conversation. But she hit on something that made complete sense. I have a deep set fear of success. Its like I feel Im afraid of doing well and that I don't deserve good things in my life. I mean, its odd to think that I am afraid of having a clean home, a happy family and good health. But if you look at it from a different angle, its having the chaos around me means that I am the center of attention and the martyr (look how hard my life is!) Its like I thrive off of disaster and all that negative energy it creates. I have a need to be behind the 8 ball all the time and have this chaos around me. Ive been like this for a long time-waiting to the bitter end to write papers, etc. I think its that false feeling of thriving off adrenoline. I can juggle all these plates! Look how talented I am! (queue circus music)
Do I really want my son to grow up in this environment? Does it make him a better person? Am I teaching him positive habits-especially homework ones? Is he going to look back on his childhood and have positive memories or am I creating bad ones for him? Is he going to think of his mom as a good influence or am I going to give him a complex?
When I was talking with my coach yesterday, it really clicked about fear. I am afraid of a lot things. Heights, flying, driving in snow. I didnt have these fears years ago and I don't know where they come from, but I need to do some more digging and excavating to discover where these fears come from. I think Ive learned to play a role in my life and I know that I am doing that for my son and it really scares me. I dont want him to think hes entitled to something because of an issue in his life. I dont want him to feel he is limited in life and have crippling fears (for example I didnt go to his class party-and disappointed him-yesterday because I was terrified to drive in the snow) of things and life. I dont want him to think its ok to live in chaos and unhealthfulness.