Snowmagedon

Right now we are in the middle of a massive snowstorm with blizzard conditions heading our way in the near future. I plan on being in my jammies all day, with not too much on my slate. I have to make the lasagna for tomorrow, and the French toast. I may make some cookies, but that's only if I have time. My goal for today is to just be chill and not stress out.
I try but there are such a variety of things that interfere with that mindset and then I stress and its a perfect storm of nastyness. I just want to enjoy my holiday with my boys, and there are times where I feel that is not going to happen. There are so many factors and forces that just set me over the edge. I don't want to be like that today. I try so hard but it never seems to be enough.
I think I just might plan out what I need to do to make life better for me. Its a regular occurance. I just want the Little Man to look back on his childhood and remember that his mommy loved him very much and would do anything for him. I don't want him to think about his childhood as sad or painful or have twisted memories of time spent together.
I know that I am a pretty decent mom even if I don't do all the extras that some other moms do. I don't bake a lot-even though I love to do so. I don't do all sorts of projects with the Little Dude-heck, I'm lucky we get through our homework each night. I make every effort to do things with him and expose him to a whole variety of things, but if he doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to go. I refuse to force him to do things he doesn't want to do. Do I think he's missing out on stuff? Sure, but does that really matter? I try to be more forceful about church, but I understand where he's coming from. If Daddy can stay home, why can't I?
I think that's what's been hard for me to reconcile-what I had hoped motherhood would be like vs. the reality. I think I had just hoped that certain things would happen and when they didn't/don't I feel like I am failing in my role. We've had a lot of great things happen, and lots of really proud parental momemnts but there are times when the bad outweighs the good. I really do have a lot of anxiety about being a good mom.
I know that some might think that I am being over-dramatic about all this, but its a very real fear for me. There are a lot of things that gnaw at me and make me prone to think that I don't do anything right. I know that I can not be responsible for anyone else's happiness, but I can try to add to their cup. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to work for me. I seem to attract those who are psychic vampires that just suck the life force and happiness from me. I have to admit that this is more exhausting than anything else. Its not just physically exhausting but emotionally as well. I go through my reserves every day and I don't ever seem to get my cup completetly filled again. I really do want those around me to be happy and at peace, but it seems like that will never happen. I can't force it to be or will it into existence, although I would love it to be so. I get through the day, but there's not so much left to do anything else. I couldn't tell you the last time I scrapped or quilted. My little guy would love me to do another birthday album, but have I done so? I haven't quilted in years literally, and I really enjoy doing so. Its like I am punishing myself for some imaginary transgression. I know that for my little guy, it would be great for me to be a lot happier and more energetic.
I have plans that will make my life much, much better. I know what needs to be done on a daily basis to make me (and my family life) much better. I do know I need to clean up my kitchen, cook dinner, do laundry, take care of the running of the household, and raise my little guy as well as being a good wife. There's not much room for me and my time in all that. I don't have enough hours in the day for all that.
I do have to take advantage of the snow boundness of today and get a few more things ticked off my to do list. I already have a bit of anxiety about not getting more done this morning-that I should have worked out instead of sitting down to write. I should have cleaned up already rather than zoning out for a while. Its the choices that I make, apparently the wrong ones over and over, that kind of send me over the edge on a regular basis. So, eventually I will pull myself off the couch, clean up the kitchen so I can make the lasagna & french toast. Possibly bake. Hang out with my boys, enjoy Christmas Eve. Due to the snow we are not going to church, so that part of my holiday celebration is gone (and yes I am sad about it. I love the music at Christmas, the processional hymn of O Come All Ye Faithful, the triumphant Joy to the World proclaiming the birth of the Savior, the reflectiveness of Silent Night as the church dims). I only hope that I can get done what I need to get done today. Say a prayer...