welcome back part 2

For the first time in weeks I was able to wake up on my own without hitting the snooze button a gazillion times. I almost felt refreshed and borderline happy when I got up today. I did my little yoga thing (its 12 asanas that I do everyday that stretch out my body and make me feel better) and sat down on the couch to drink my coffee and write. So here I am with Mike & Mike on, listening to the latest chapter in the Tiger Woods saga and attempting to get myself motivated. I did add to my current ipod playlist, where it covers the whole day from start to finish. I did make an awesome Christmas mix this year but honestly, I'm really not into it. I'd rather listen to something else right now. I've been into Phish's Joy album-and I'm not really a Phish fan but I really like this one.
I guess this is my version of Skipping Christmas this year.
So...instead of fretting and ruminating on things, I resolve to: not bake, not send cards, not get wrapped in all the material trappings of the season. So there. I'm just going to get through the next two weeks and be as normal as possible.
I do admit that there is a dark cloud over my home right now and its because mommy is not all merry & bright. I need to take a step back & figure out why I am very disorganized this year. My decorating did not go smoothly and its still half done. So, note to self when I put things away at the end of the season, I need to label the totes that the decorations with exactly what's inside of the tote so I can stress less come November.
I think that was part of it-just mass chaos with the decoration hoopla. In years past, I did a major cleaning prior to decorating and carefully put away the other knick knacks & fall decorations so I had a fresh start. This did not happen this year. Instead, things just got thrown up. There really wasn't much joy in it. And I am frustrated because I know deep down inside this is not me.
Add to it the fact that I haven't gone to church the last 2 Sundays, mainly because I had too many other things to do. I get frustrated because my family doesn't usually come with me either. My husband won't go because he's not Episcopalian, and Little Man won't go because Daddy stays home. It gives me a little hole in my soul because I never thought it would be like that when I became a mom. I had visions of something different, but I guess I have revisit my expectations. I do enjoy the liturgy and it gives me a great comfort. Add to it I have not done any of the usual churchy Christmas stuff that I love to do-Advent Lessons & Carols at church, baking for the bake sale, expanding my spiritual discipline-none of which happened this year.
I do think that this is just a valley in the peaks & valleys in life and soon I will be climbing back up on the mountain. Its just that I am gathering my climbing gear and getting ready for my ascent.
What I need to do is think about what went wrong this season, and what I can do better for next year. And what can I do overall if I want my life to be better. I am the consumate planner. I have to do lists out the yin yang. I plan to plan. Its the execution & follow through that I have issues. I can get some of the stuff done, but then there are things that just linger there. And I think that these lingering things are the ones that exhaust me more than anything else...
So, I need to start today with what I need to do to make my life better. Its not the generic eat better exercise more lower my stress level blah blah blah. its getting to the fear that resonates inside me that holds me back from being super successful.
Once I get to a certain level of weight loss and exercise success I seem to stop. Its like I hit a brick wall and stop for no real good reason. I am afraid of reclaiming my body, I have insulated myself with layers of fat. I stop because I feel like I don't DESERVE to be healthy. Its like I look at the rows of skinny clothes in my closet that call out to me and mock me because all I need to do is lose 10 more pounds and I'll fit into them. But yet they hang there without me fitting into them and without me making any consistent changes to improve my life.
The other big thing is consistently in cleaning up my house. This has been the single biggest stressor in my life since I've gotten married. I cant seem to get anything done consistently. I sputter around and then come crashing down. Basically I need to do what's on my to do list every day-clean off the kitchen counter, clean my white kitchen sink, do a load of laundry daily, make the beds, swifter my floors, run the vacuum, make dinner, feather dust the house, pack lunches-these are the things that make the house run smoothly. But I dont do them. Its hit or miss with most of them. I've even handed over the cooking to my husband since I am not capable of being consistent with it.
So...somehow I need to intellectualize what needs to be done and like Nike says, Just DO It. No more excuses, no more whining, no more hiding in my shell. I need to look at my daily to do lists and actually start crossing things off.