welcome back

Its been a long time since I've written. Its already a long, cold winter and its not even Christmas. It usually is my favorite time of year, next to Halloween. However this year it seems very different. I'm not into the whole holiday thing and its cast a long dark pall over my home. I haven't baked this year, and I really don't think that I am going to either. I didn't make cards this year-and I usually have my cards done in August. Its like I'm rebelling against the season or something. Its something deep dark inside, and I can't quite put my finger on it.
I'm really trying hard for the little man's sake, because its important for him. But its a struggle. I havent written for a long time either, as evident by my sporadic blog postings. I'm just not that into...anything. Its not depression, as many might be quick to point out. Its basically apathy and indifference. I'm just feeling stagnant and stuck. It happens from time to time. I'm not running or working out. I'm not practicing good self care. there are days when its lucky that I do my hair, make up, get dressed and get out the door.
My biggest accomplishment in the last several weeks has been cleaning the grout on my kitchen floor with baking soda and a toothbrush. It does look stunning, but that's not a lot to be excited about.
I need to get out of this rut-not sure how or when, but it needs to be done.
I look at my endless to do list and think of how accomplished I felt only a few weeks ago. Nothing else has changed in my life really-actually things seem on the surface to be doing great. But internally I feel like I'm treading water.
I do know that this is the first time in about 10 years I did not use the Holiday Grand Plan. Maybe that has something to do with how I feel and how I feel out of sorts. I do know that this year has packed a lot of emotional whollops and I've been on that rollar coaster for far too long (this coming from someone terrified of heights).
Its almost the end of the year, the end of a decade that saw a lot of changes for me and my life. I started the decade mourning the loss of my grandmother, and fulfilling the past life librarian in me by managing a book store. Then I switched jobs and had a blast managing an architectural firm. I got married. Bought a house.Moved 1321 miles from all that I knew and loved. Got a dog and became a dog person (I always thought I was going to be one of those crazy cat ladies) Struggled with infertility (and no matter what anyone says, that is still an issue for me. I still feel like less of a woman because of it. Its part of my identity-I am a barren woman) Became a mom. Learned what it truly means to love someone completely and unconditionally. Found God, lost Him and rediscovered Him again in a triumphant manner. Been around the world emotionally. Learned new hobbies and passions. Lost and regained friendships.
Its been a wild ride this last decade as I move from 30 to 40. I've got from young adult to middle age. Looking forward with anticipation what the next decade brings. Heck I'm excited to see what tomorrow brings....
I just need to find a way to psych myself out of the rut that I am in.