Asking for It

Its Tuesday, and by some strange miracle I did not wake up in the middle of the night with a coughing fit. My alarm also did not go off this morning, so I am a little late to the party here.
Tonight I have a scrapbook class making a Home Sweet Home door hanger. It should be a lot of fun and very cute. I love taking my scrapping skills and using them in other crafts as well. I also made a page kit for myself so I can scrap at lunch this week, which will be a lot of fun. I need a bit of down time, and I need that creative outlet.
I improved my quality of life in 15 minutes last night. I tidied up the house, and I felt so much better about it all. I am so tired of junk all over, and the amount of paper every where. I need to control the amount-and where it winds up-this bit of mess. There are two different schools of thought about it as well. One, I could pile it and pretend its not there. The other is to purge purge purge. Honestly, I am of the purge way of thinking, but I get rather paralyzed when it comes to the papers the little man brings home from school. I need to get over that and find a happy way to get it done and filed.
Its spring now, and the temperatures will be soaring this week. It's supposed to be in the 70's today and tomorrow. Last night, after dinner, the little man went bouncing on the trampoline. It pleases me a great deal to see that, and to hear the sound of his infectious laughter.
I am trying really hard to not let the outside world come crashing in on my time with him. Those moments that I get are so incredibly precious, but the last few days I have just been incredibly frustrated with life overall. It all starts with feeling like I am picking up the pieces for everyone else. I will admit that I am very grateful that the big man helps me out around the house, especially since it seems that things would never get done if it weren't for him some days. Its a huge blessing, and I love the fact that he's willing to help. The one thing that frustrates me so very much is when he helps with laundry. He is not a folder/put away-er (much like the puppy dog is a retriever but not a giver upper). So, its my job if you will, to fold and put the laundry away that was just washed & dried. In my head, if you are going to do laundry just take the extra steps and finish, so I grumble and stomp around and pout that I have to put the laundry away. I realized I did this when I was putting the laundry away last night. Why do I act so ungrateful?
I've always been a planner-I like to do x on Monday, y on Tuesday etc. Its a big comfort to me to have the same thing going on each week at the same time. Maybe its because I had so much chaos in my life growing up and things were never the same all the time, but I crave this comfort. I need to know that if its Monday I am going to clean the living room and have a meatless dinner. I know that the little man will have spelling homework and need to take a bath. That provides-dare I say it?-structure to my life. I need that structure, and I am recognize that in myself the older that I get. I think the little man needs it too to a certain extent.
I am not a person who can fly by the seat of their pants. It makes me uncomfortable, and in some cases, makes me anxious. The big man is such the polar opposite of me in this regard. I have detailed to do list books, with sections including books to read, movies to watch, websites to visit, and the glorious master to do list as well as my personal budget. I don't think that the big man really has ever gotten to the specific level of to do's that I want and need to control the chaos in my life. He doesn't plan ahead on the same level that I do. I get such an adrenoline kick out of crossing something off my to do list, it gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment.
At the same time, there is a level of rebellion that I deal with where I almost ignore what I need to do. Its a mental game I play with myself-what can I neglect and get away with? How can I not do something? I do that with beauty routines, with exercise, with eating healthy. There is a certain undercurrent in my life where its a cross between attention seeking behavior and negativity. Its a strange way to think, but its there and I do not want the little man to get this mind set entrenched in his life. I want him to just do certain things automatically (I know I do that to a certain extent in my life) and just be, and not have this constant good cop bad cop mental conversations.