Cornflake Girl

I did something I really despise yesterday-I went to the gynocologist. It never is a happy experience for me, but I think I found one I like. She actually listened to me, and I feel like I am making some headway with life. I do need to get Humpy removed (totally confirmed) but there still is a long way to go before I schedule the surgery.
I am also feeling confident that my life is starting to come together. I am finding it easier to get somethings done on a daily basis-all this time management stuff is really kicking in now. I do need to work on the before bed tidy up, but I was so beat last night (no post work 15 minute recharge my batteries). It really isn't an excuse, but...I don't like walking out into the kitchen and family room and seeing it messy. It doesn't make me smile in the morning.
With the mess and chaos, it kind of ranckles me and causes tension from the get go. I don't like the piles of junk and toys everywhere. It gets me very frustrated, and borderline unhappy.
Being happy is something important to me.
I think because I have persued it my whole life, with some limited success. I know that I have had this mindset (and believe me, its genetic) that happiness isn't something that my family of origin receives. Its like something good happens to you, and then you get 4 bad things. I don't agree with this mindset, but its so ingrained in me. I never thought of how much of this was absorbed by osmosis. I am frustrated by this thought process, because it doesn't do much to make my life better-and it just serves to perpeuate negativity for the next generation.
Its not just happiness, but a comfort in my own skin.
As I get older, the more I hear my grandmother's voice in my head when I am doing things. Its not that I don't love her or disrespect her, but her way of doing things and some of her attitudes are not compatible with my lifestyle. She had a skewed way of looking at the world, and I just don't agree with it. But its at the very core of my soul, its part of my DNA, and the older I get, the more it manifests itself. I hear it when I lose my temper (which seems to be happening more and more). I hear it when I go to bed with a messy house. I hear it when I am cleaning or cooking that I am not doing it the "right" way. I hear it when the to do list remains undone. Its the fact that I feel I have to "prove" everything on a daily basis. Its like ok, I am worthy of good things just because-I don't have to force myself to earn it everyday. And I definately don't want my son to feel that way either.
It dawned on me as I poured my coffee this morning that I limit myself and beat myself up over silly things. I don't do workout regularly because I don't have the time...yet anything is better than nothing. I don't eat healthy consistently...because I didn't feel like making a huge lunch the night before and lets face it, I can't say no to chocolate. I don't do x....because I am just not going to do it "right". I do get very sensitive to criticism because its been such a part of my life-feeling like whatever I do is wrong.
Its this all or nothing mentality that has been handed down from generation to generation to generation, but the buck stops here. I am tired of the martyr complex that I seem to exhibit. I don't want my little man to have the same attitude, because it doesn't do much to make your life better. He is such a naturally happy kid, and I don't want that to change. I don't remember that innate sense of happiness when I was a kid-there was always a bit of sadness that hung over my home. My grandfather died when I was 2-and while I have never been in the position of losing someone so close-it permeated everything for the rest of my grandmother's life. She wore black every day, and made mourning an art form. His absence was a very big part of my childhood.
Some of her grandma-isms were part of my formative years too. Her pronouncements on the world shaped how I viewed it. She thought if you spent too much time on grooming that you were a not so very nice woman. She didn't believe in manis or pedis or even getting your hair done (you were being self indulgent). So, I know that nagging guilt feeling I have when I spend the time on myself to take care of me comes from a long ago conversation. Its not that she was mean or crazy, but she was definately a product of her era, and that there weren't as many opportunities afforded to women to have personal success outside the home.
Once again, its a form of a generational curse. Its one that I don't want to revist on my son either.
I think its come to surface because I have had a lot of personal success lately. Its like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop-because I have been conditioned to think that way. I am trying to break that habit, because I also believe that if you put a negative thought into the world it attracts more, and then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Today is the first step on a long journey through life. I need to get through today, I need to do what I can to make life happy and wonderful for my family. Along the way, I do need to cook dinner, tidy up, do some laundry, fix my nails (they are a bit of a mess after detailing my car on Sunday)and have some downtime. There's a lot that always needs to be done (I am suprised no one has invented a self cleaning house yet) and I do stomp around feeling like I am the only one who ever does anything around here (the reality is that I am not, the big man helps a lot). I won't change my mindset overnight, but I am making smaller changes that lay the groundwork for my mission to happiness.