Fear

Last night I was elected PTO (Parent Teacher Organization)President. I've been working so hard at all of this for so long, and hard work does pay off. I am excited and overwhelmed, and a little tingly inside about it all. I've got so much good going on right now, which is a blessing.
I have to work on balancing things in my life right now. I have PTO in one corner, Church in another, home in another and all else in the 4th. My all else corner is bulging right now, and I have to figure out a way to pare some of that down. My home corner also needs some work, because there are a lot of things that can be improved there. I need to get my house in order-health wise, cleaning wise, money wise and loving wise.
This morning I woke up with my back killing me, and its really bad. Its enough to keep me on the couch this morning, although I know that it is not really an option. I need to get ready for my 5k (its less than a month away). I really need to develop a better training strategy for it. I know that running is important (duh!). But also important is focusing my mind (yoga) and building muscle strength (maybe I might learn how to use the bowflex finally as well as pilates). I know I keep writing about how much I love to work out, and how I love how it makes me feel, blah blah blah.
I think there is a healthy layer of fear undercutting everything. I suffer from a fear of success, which is related to the whole I don't deserve good things syndrome that seems to run through my life. When the big man & I started dating way back when, I thought he was out of my league. It seems that I didn't think I deserved anything good. Deep down inside, I have this fear that I am such a loser that I don't deserve to rock. I am afraid of looking good and being totally healthy and there is a fear of power in there as well. Its like I almost sabotage myself in all that I do, because of this fear.
I can write myself elaborate life plans and lists and goals, but the follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
I know in the past, especially when I've lost weight and toned up and gotten myself a rocking bod, that I wind up sabotaging my success over it. Its like I am afraid of being my healthiest and having low self esteem has a lot to do with it. What am I afraid of? For one thing, the attention that it garners. When I am all toned up and in shape, I am very curvy (I was blessed with big boobs & a bubble butt). I give that chick on Mad Men a run for her money. But I feel like I deserve to be fat and keep that va va voom side of me hidden, because I don't warrant the attention. There are a bunch of things that are interelated to all this. Its eating healthy, working out that leads to dressing better and taking better care of myself (getting my hair done, getting my nails done, etc).
But, the most important thing is doing this for my little man. It might not matters now, but as he gets older he needs a mommy that takes care of herself. He needs a mommy that is going to have the energy to keep up with him. He needs me to get my butt in gear and take care of myself. I have to admit that I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see other women who obviously got the message about putting me first. Its so hard to change 39 years of bad thinking-thinking that I don't deserve to be pretty (for whatever reason). But I am working towards it.
In order to work on the eating/getting healthy thing, I need to figure out why I eat junk instead of healthier fare. Part of it is convenience. Its more time consuming and a pain in the butt to slice an apple or peel an orange, when its a lot easier to just grab a cookie or candy. Its more time consuming to chop salad than it is to grab a burger at the drive through. Soda tastes better than water. Part of it is the taste factor. Lets face it, crap tastes better. That's not to say that fruit and veggies don't taste good, but the crap stuff does taste better. Then, the third factor for me especially is the whole fear of getting healthy-I won't have the fat to hide behind. Its been my shelter for a long time and its kept me hidden in the shadows.
I think that is what scares me the most. Me being out there for all to see. Its a little late now that I am PTO president to fade into the background. I've stepped it up to a new level, and I need to rise to the occassion.